Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing dinner issue

289 replies

Lisagreen12 · 22/10/2022 14:36

thursday morning he txt when he was at work asking what’s for dinner as he needed to know if he had to try borrow some money, with it being the day before payday we had barely any food in
I replied saying we’ve got stuff in for a roast if you fancy it? And asked what time he would be home
he was happy with this
around lunchtime on his break we had an argument unrelated and at the end he said “don’t bother with dinner it’s not worth the hassle”
I didn’t reply to this message as I couldn’t be bothered with arguing but I’m not just going to not bother as the kids need to eat
he’s then gone and borrowed money off his mum and walked in the door after work with McDonald’s
So after 2 hours of slaving in the kitchen cooking a roast the kids didn’t want any of it.
Hes been in a mood since because we argued about that too, him saying I’m ungrateful and that he told me not to bother with dinner so it’s my own fault
but the kids had to eat and I didn’t know he was going to get his mum to send him money at his big age of 37, so was I meant to take the risk and leave them with nothing

OP posts:
BagpussBagpussOldFatFurryCatpuss · 23/10/2022 10:19

You’re both ridiculous.

Him for borrowing money to by McDonalds when there is plenty of food at home.

You for throwing perfectly good food away because it isn’t eaten on the day it is cooked.

Ohhhhladz · 23/10/2022 10:20

He sounds either very stupid (you'll probably know if he is) or unacceptably controlling.

He had every chance to say "no thanks; I'll bring something home for everyone" when you asked if the roast was OK. Once he agreed to the roast, he should have assumed you'd gone ahead with prepping and cooking it.

“don’t bother with dinner it’s not worth the hassle” doesn't make any sense; you'd bought the ingredients for a roast and obviously meant to cook it; it isn't going to be less of a hassle on a different day. And if you do all the cooking at the moment, why is he interfering?

It's silly for him to expect you to be grateful that he brought food you didn't ask for when he's not at least equally grateful to you for cooking food he DID ask for. And if he HAD said early on that he was bringing home something, it would have been nice of him to ask what you'd like rather than deciding for everyone on the basis of what he wanted.

Asking why he put bleach in the laundry is perfectly reasonable in order to make sure it doesn't happen again, especially as you were willing to believe it was a mistake rather than just blaming him.

(Additionally, if you're really struggling financially, both borrowing money for McDonalds and throwing freshly-cooked food away are terrible choices.)

Octomore · 23/10/2022 10:23

Overall, I don’t think you are BU, your OH’s text did not communicate a firm dinner plan, and given it came at the end of an unrelated argument you didn’t feel able to presume they had dinner covered

But in a grown up marriage with good communication, the question would have been directly asked, wouldnt it? Personally I'd have texted DH back and said, "No, I've already started prepping the food so I'm doing a roast", or if not I'd have asked, "Are you planning to bring something back for dinner then?"

If I had any inkling he was going to borrow money for a takeaway, I'd have told him firmly that I was not happy with that. £20 is 5% of their weekly income, it's not an insignificant amount of money.

I find it bizarre that the OP and her DH are living together as a family with kids, but she doesn't feel able to participate in deciding how the household budget is spent. I think that's worth exploring, because it's not a good position to be in at all.

Octomore · 23/10/2022 10:26

OP - regarding the budget question, your set up (where you have no say or visibility in where money goes) is not normal.

DH earns a fair bit more than me, but we both participate equally in discussions about where our money goes, how much gets saved/spent etc., and we are both able to say to the other one "I don't think we can afford that this month".

Octomore · 23/10/2022 10:29

Lisagreen12 · 23/10/2022 09:52

@Travis1 we’ve spoke briefly since then but still mostly the silent treatment, I’ll be expected to apologise for it before it can be resolved

I think there are much bigger issues in your marriage than the McDs.

Silent treatment isn't normal - it's abusive. Does this sort of thing happen often?

BigChesterDraws · 23/10/2022 10:31

I’m the main carer for them being at home all day so it’s my decision what they eat and what I do there

So why did you let your husband give a 1-year-old McDonald’s? That doesn’t sound like you are making the decisions. You agree that it’s a bad idea to give a child that young McDonald’s food. But you stood by while your husband did just that to your child.

HasBeans · 23/10/2022 10:33

People can make silly decisions when stressed and under a lot of pressure, including ones that are not in their or their family’s best interest. Including on a micro level like binning some potatoes. Some of us would know how to create a different meal the next day to avoid waste or having to eat a floury reheat, some might not. I doubt that was going through the OP’s mind when she reacted the way she did.

OP maybe needs tools to understand what she could do differently next time, both in terms of how to react/manage communications like this, as well practical help as what she can do with leftover food. Best done gently and with kindness.

rainbowstardrops · 23/10/2022 10:41

I think you were both unreasonable.

Your partner was unreasonable to borrow money from his mum to buy a McDonald's (I'd be so embarrassed by that) instead of going into a supermarket and buying decent food but you were also unreasonable to still cook a roast dinner when he'd said not to bother (although I appreciate you didn't want to let the kids go hungry if he came back empty handed).

Communication should have been key here, even if you had had an argument.

You are very unreasonable to throw perfectly good food away, especially as you are low on money and I can't believe you let him feed your 1 year old McDonald's!!!

I can understand the 4yr old kicking up a fuss but a 1 year old doesn't get to choose!!!

Absolutely bonkers situation!

lentilly · 23/10/2022 10:44

HasBeans · 23/10/2022 10:33

People can make silly decisions when stressed and under a lot of pressure, including ones that are not in their or their family’s best interest. Including on a micro level like binning some potatoes. Some of us would know how to create a different meal the next day to avoid waste or having to eat a floury reheat, some might not. I doubt that was going through the OP’s mind when she reacted the way she did.

OP maybe needs tools to understand what she could do differently next time, both in terms of how to react/manage communications like this, as well practical help as what she can do with leftover food. Best done gently and with kindness.

This is a good point. I mean personally I would have had to strongly resist lobbing a potato on the floor and screaming in rage. But that's my issue.

SagittariusDwarf · 23/10/2022 10:48

Lisagreen12 · 23/10/2022 08:55

I love how this thread has turned into hate against me being wasteful by throwing away £1 worth of roast potatoes, rather than my DP borrowing £25 to get a McDonald’s 😁 completely gone off topic. for people telling me to get a job, I would earn a lot less than the cost of childcare, so why would I? I’m doing the open university so once my 2 DC are at school I can get a decent job. People saying I need to budget better, why doesn’t my DP? It’s his money, it doesn’t go into my bank account, if I set up a budget I’m demanding what he does with his own money. Making a roast dinner might not be slaving away for everyone but when you’ve got a 1 year old in a sling and a very active 4 year old to entertain then it is to me. If I wouldn’t eat reheated roast potatoes and frozen veg then why would I make my children? I don’t like it. No sort of hate will make me like the taste of reheated potatoes. Which, again, is completely off topic.

But you ate reheated McDonald's - including chips?

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 23/10/2022 10:57

I keep seeing 'reheated McDonalds'. Where does the OP state she reheated the McDonalds? I went looking but couldn't find it.

PinkSyCo · 23/10/2022 11:00

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 23/10/2022 10:57

I keep seeing 'reheated McDonalds'. Where does the OP state she reheated the McDonalds? I went looking but couldn't find it.

She said that she ate her dinner and then ate the McDonald’s later on as well, so considering a McDonald’s is usually luke warm at best by the time you get it home I’m guessing she would have needed to nuke it before eating.

deliverooyoutoo · 23/10/2022 11:02

Yesterday at 17.15

roast potatoes don’t do well reheated so dinner was chucked, I ate it though and reheated my McDonald’s later on and had that too

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 23/10/2022 11:08

@PinkSyCo and @deliverooyoutoo thanks for that, I missed that one.

emptythelitterbox · 23/10/2022 11:20

Yes he was being unreasonable to not say one way or other if he was bringing dinner home. Then at least you'd have know to make the roast or not
Does he actually pay his mum back or does she generally say that's fine, no need to pay it back?

Is there any chance in the future for him getting something that pays more the minimum wage?

Is he open to getting some more training or education?

Original poster
Lisagreen12 · 23/10/2022 12:18

@emptythelitterbox it’s about 50/50 whether he pays her back or not, I don’t get all the info about it. He does owe her thousands including for his current car.

he has training and education. This might be outing but he had a really good job for many years before but involved working 60-70+ hours a week, days and nights away and quit due to stress. He then got a job that was very physical and quit due to being too tired. So now he’s choosing the easy option

OP posts:
Octomore · 23/10/2022 12:26

So you're not at all informed about the finances of your own household?

You need to find a way to become financially independent of this fool. Tying yourself to a financially irresponsible man and not earning yourself will lead to an impoverished old age.

If you got a job - would it pay more than minimum wage? If so - why don't you be the breadwinner and he look after the kids? At least that way you'd have more control of your household money.

If you wouldn't be able to get a job at more than minimum wage - are there are training opportunities you can access? Evening classes when he's back from work? I appreciate childcare costs are prohibitive, but you really need to earn your own money in order to give yourself more control over your life.

Octomore · 23/10/2022 12:28

You appear to just be passively accepting that you, a grown woman, have no control over how money is earned or spent in your house.

Original poster
Lisagreen12 · 23/10/2022 12:30

@Octomore I’m in my last year of doing a degree with the open university, as of the moment I wouldn’t be able to get a job paying much more than he gets. The thing is there’s jobs paying £2-3 more than what he gets now, doing the exact same thing, and his commute is an hour away he just doesn’t want to leave. If the budgeting was down to me it wouldn’t be that we have no money for food at the end of the week.

OP posts:
MrsMorrisey · 23/10/2022 12:52

I think this is a classic case of a poster posting in the heat of the moment and later regretting some of the content.

OP it sounds like you need to work on your communication with each other.

He sounds annoying but you don't have to dramatic and say " I had to cook with two children in the house".
Um we all do it, not hard.

viques · 23/10/2022 12:58

You sound well matched, he spends money you haven’t got on crap food and you throw good food in the bin.

ChaosDemon · 23/10/2022 12:58

OP how would he react if you said ypu were going to draw up a budget that you both had to stick towards? Would he kick off, "it's my money I earned it" etc?

Univalve · 23/10/2022 13:16

WTAF is up with this thread? Honestly do people have nothing better to do than pick on the OP for throwing away £1 worth of bloody roast potatoes?! People actually posting suggestions of what she could have done with them? What a horrible patronising bunch. What gives you the right to goad the OP about something utterly trivial and completely unrelated to the original post? Making a fucking bubble and squeak was not going to solve any of the issues this post was about.

OP, your DH was unreasonable. You were not unreasonable. A great many posters on this thread have been way, WAY more unreasonable than your DH.

thesparkthatbled · 23/10/2022 13:29

BadGranny · 22/10/2022 17:38

This sounds more like two kids playing house and falling out. You both need to grow up.

Agreed, you both sound thick as mince

Musti · 23/10/2022 13:33

Hopefully you reheated it the next day.

Macdonalds for everyone is expensive when you have no money!! A bag of chicken nuggets, some mince, a bag of frozen chips, burger buns etc would have cost you less than £10 and had enough for a couple of meals.

He is being a dick that he’s borrowing money for food when you have food and then wasting it on macdonalds