Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh unemployed and spending on my salary

305 replies

Boxshibe · 22/10/2022 14:24

I'm pissed off. Dh has gone to meetca mate with the dogs for what I thought was a drink then walking the dogs together. So far he's spent £60 in the pub. I'm pissed off.
He quit his job end of July and is struggling to find a new one ( whole other story) so we've lost 2/3 of our income. I can pay rent bills and food if we're vv careful. He promised me that he'd only spend around £20 after the train fate to meet his friend. So annoyed.

OP posts:
mavismorpoth · 22/10/2022 15:35

WindsweptNotInteresting · 22/10/2022 15:20

The title of your thread says "spending on my salary", which I think i unreasonable. Family money should be joint, so it shouldn't be my money/you don't earn so you don't deserve nice things. And like PPs have said, it the sexes were reversed, responses would be very different.

However, I think you have every right to be annoyed that he has gone back on the amount you both agreed he would spend, especially if things are tight financially. But you need to stop thinking of him spending YOUR money, that's not really fair.

We live primarily off my husband's wages but they are still his wages/wages that he earns, and the money I earn is my money. We have a breadwinner/housewife set up but that's how we describe it as well.

Such a MN thing to pick on semantics and make the whole thread about one word.

Vapeyvapevape · 22/10/2022 15:35

Teresa777 · 22/10/2022 15:31

She's made it pretty clear they need to budget and she already pays for everything. There is absolutely no financial abuse here (well, not by the OP anyway).

Show quote history

I would still be critical if the sexes were reversed, spending money in a pub or anything non essential when you're on a tight budget is irresponsible whether you're male or female.

Teresa777 · 22/10/2022 15:37

@Vapeyvapevape that was pretty much my point.

EmmaH2022 · 22/10/2022 15:38

Boxshibe · 22/10/2022 14:35

I know which is why I'm venting on mumsnet. He's also been buying smart stuff to make our house more economic friendly which is good but I'm worrying about this months bill not future ones.

That stuff is often a waste of money. I think you need to limit his spending.

StrangerOnline · 22/10/2022 15:40

OP is it possible that the friend has given him cash, or intends to do a bank transfer later?
Perhaps ask him (in a calm manner) later before you go mad at him…

Although half of £60 is still £30 – which is more than the £20 he had promised you he would stick to. You are quite right to be annoyed

senior30 · 22/10/2022 15:40

OP there are places begging for employees, why has he chosen to not apply for a lower paid job? Then at least some of the pressure is off until he finds a job in his field, food warehouses near me are offering £16 an hour for night shifts! He needs to be working, if he really wanted to he could walk in to a job tomorrow

Original poster
Boxshibe · 22/10/2022 15:41

I know but I feel guilty as he used to earn v good money and doesn't seem to realise that we don't have that money now

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 22/10/2022 15:41

Tinner01 · 22/10/2022 15:12

Agreed with @RebeccaRose92 - if this was a man complaining his unemployed wife had spent £60, the comments would be full of “financial abuse” and “LTB”

Not if it meant they couldn't afford birthday presents for their children it wouldn't.

newyearsresolurion · 22/10/2022 15:41

Freeze the card temporarily

mavismorpoth · 22/10/2022 15:42

So tell him, you're a team right? You need a stopgap job at times like these and responsible people take them until they find something they want. As for his age, don't add that to his CV.

nannync · 22/10/2022 15:43

You're going to have to message him asking what the heck he's doing!!!

@RebeccaRose92 you're ridiculous

KangarooKenny · 22/10/2022 15:43

Separate accounts.

RealBecca · 22/10/2022 15:44

Perhaps the reason he isnt getting past the 3rd interview is because by then they have sussed out that he cant prioritise....

I'd be disgusted if my mate was buying me drinks and struggling to buy birthday presents for their child. He thinks you're work day, which is bringing in the £60, is for fun?

He is a loser. The London of loser most of us date in our early 20s and dodge before committing. Stand your ground. He is being unreasonable. Even more so for going over the agreed budget. however much he gaslights you.

ScottishInSwitzerland · 22/10/2022 15:44

I would message him now OP. Something non confrontational like ‘is everything ok? I noticed you put £60 on the card.’

honestly I would be pissed off but I would save that chat for later. Right now I would want to gently bring it to his attention and hopefully make him stop before he spends any more.

Mangolist · 22/10/2022 15:45

Clymene · 22/10/2022 14:48

Anyone who quits their job without another one to go to when they have kids is an irresponsible wanker

If I hadn't quit my job when I did (only earner, DH is retired) there is a genuine chance I would have killed myself. I'd hung on for a year worrying about money but there was no way I could continue. I did, however, once out of the place, manage to get myself back together and got a job within two months.
We're not all selfish wankers!

Realityloom · 22/10/2022 15:46

Sorry but your OH quit his job just like that? 3 months ago? Can he not find ANY work at all?

The £60 wouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't every week. You have bigger fish to fry!

BronwenFrideswide · 22/10/2022 15:47

Boxshibe · 22/10/2022 15:41

I know but I feel guilty as he used to earn v good money and doesn't seem to realise that we don't have that money now

Well he needs to realise damn fast, like now.

Does he not comprehend the strain on the whole family having so much less coming in does?

He needs to take any job he can for the time being and keep applying for others in order to keep the family finances afloat and no he can't just go out and blow £60+ that's not right or fair on the rest of you. You all have to go without - including him.

EmmaH2022 · 22/10/2022 15:49

Realityloom · 22/10/2022 15:46

Sorry but your OH quit his job just like that? 3 months ago? Can he not find ANY work at all?

The £60 wouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't every week. You have bigger fish to fry!

But OP has said, there are problems paying basic bills

how people can say "only £60" is beyond me.

thelobsterquadrille · 22/10/2022 15:49

Boxshibe · 22/10/2022 15:41

I know but I feel guilty as he used to earn v good money and doesn't seem to realise that we don't have that money now

Surely he's not stupid?

Vapeyvapevape · 22/10/2022 15:49

Teresa777 · 22/10/2022 15:37

@Vapeyvapevape that was pretty much my point.

Sorry I quoted the wrong person 😬

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 22/10/2022 15:50

Clymene · 22/10/2022 14:48

Anyone who quits their job without another one to go to when they have kids is an irresponsible wanker

I've done that before as my mental health was terrible but I found a temp job almost straightaway and then a perm job and got offered a perm role by the temp job

Teresa777 · 22/10/2022 15:51

@Vapeyvapevape 😊

TimeForMeToF1y · 22/10/2022 15:51

Boxshibe · 22/10/2022 15:41

I know but I feel guilty as he used to earn v good money and doesn't seem to realise that we don't have that money now

How does he not realise? That can't be true, everyone knows that if you don't have a job you don't have money to waste, is he like this about other things

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 22/10/2022 15:51

RebeccaRose92 · 22/10/2022 14:28

You’re a bit controlling. He’s your husband, that means legally it’s both of your money. £60 as a one off doesn’t sound unreasonable. Do you have anxiety, OP?

😂 WTF?!

@Boxshibe YANBU. If he can't control his spending when he has no job, he DESERVES to be treated like a child. Give him £20 a week pocket money ... That's £19 more than he deserves by the sound of it.

Sennelier1 · 22/10/2022 15:51

Oh wow, where did that come from? Who has £60 pub money on a regular night?

Swipe left for the next trending thread