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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh unemployed and spending on my salary

305 replies

Boxshibe · 22/10/2022 14:24

I'm pissed off. Dh has gone to meetca mate with the dogs for what I thought was a drink then walking the dogs together. So far he's spent £60 in the pub. I'm pissed off.
He quit his job end of July and is struggling to find a new one ( whole other story) so we've lost 2/3 of our income. I can pay rent bills and food if we're vv careful. He promised me that he'd only spend around £20 after the train fate to meet his friend. So annoyed.

OP posts:
User112 · 22/10/2022 20:12

Oh wow! Look at how big hypocrites some of you are!
this man earned 2/3rds of family income and spent £60 as a ONE OFF! There are plenty of women who don’t work, yet feel entitled to spending the money the husband/partner earns. Wtf ! ??

BecauseYoureWorthIt · 22/10/2022 20:16

@CheeseForTea I wasn’t the one who suggested for the card to be cancelled, I also agree that it is wrong. Nonetheless to quit your job (at a time of financial stress for the entire country) when you do have a family to help provide for is wrong. If he was made redundant it would be a completely different argument, but he made the choice to quit and that was months ago.

deeperthanallroses · 22/10/2022 20:18

It’s not hypocrisy. Threads where mumsnet tells women who’ve quit their job that it’s family money invariably have the woman doing everything around the house and unable to sustain the job plus the house and parenting and the school runs etc etc and no option for aftercare. They are never just ‘so I quit my job and now my Dh still does all the housework and I am mainly looking for work. Money is very tight and we don’t have much for our dds birthday and can’t afford to buy them coats but I’ve spent £60 on lunch so far that’s cool right?’

Skinnermarink · 22/10/2022 20:18

User112 · 22/10/2022 20:12

Oh wow! Look at how big hypocrites some of you are!
this man earned 2/3rds of family income and spent £60 as a ONE OFF! There are plenty of women who don’t work, yet feel entitled to spending the money the husband/partner earns. Wtf ! ??

Because they bring up joint children to negate wildly expensive childcare costs?!

Lunarpsychobitch · 22/10/2022 20:19

I feel for you OP.... tough times 😣
Has your DH registered with any recruitment agencies? It might only get him temp work initially, but could lead to something more permanent.

thedancingbear · 22/10/2022 20:20

The number of cool wives on this thread is really fucking depressing.

Skinnermarink · 22/10/2022 20:21

thedancingbear · 22/10/2022 20:20

The number of cool wives on this thread is really fucking depressing.

Yeah, agreed, it’s really sad to see.

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:22

thedancingbear · 22/10/2022 20:20

The number of cool wives on this thread is really fucking depressing.

The fact grown women use the term ‘cool wife’ is really fucking pathetic

Skinnermarink · 22/10/2022 20:23

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:22

The fact grown women use the term ‘cool wife’ is really fucking pathetic

Show quote history

Who is that term for then?

RandomMusings7 · 22/10/2022 20:25

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:22

The fact grown women use the term ‘cool wife’ is really fucking pathetic

Show quote history

Definitely less pathetic than being one 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Aria999 · 22/10/2022 20:26

We have a joint account which the money goes into, and we put a set amount each into personal accounts which we spend on ourselves.

If I went out for a drink I would do it from my personal account not from joint.

That way it's possible to budget and nobody has to be controlled or controlling.

Good luck to DH with his job search.

ilukp · 22/10/2022 20:27

Love how the concept of family money only exists on here when it’s women sponging off men

Nonsense. The concept of family money is mentioned on here many times in all contexts. In this case, the DH has gone out and spent 60 quid of the family money on getting pissed. This is money they cannot afford because he quit his job and now the family is existing on 1/3 of the family money they had before. It is not acceptable for him to go out and piss that money up the wall when they can barely afford the rent and bills. If he wants to have the money spare to do that then he needs to go out and get another job.

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:28

Skinnermarink · 22/10/2022 20:23

Who is that term for then?

Show quote history

It’s extremely immature to resort to name calling when someone has a different opinion

ifs shockingly common on here and really rather pathetic. Almost as bad as the oddballs who use the term handmaiden

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:29

ilukp · 22/10/2022 20:27

Love how the concept of family money only exists on here when it’s women sponging off men

Nonsense. The concept of family money is mentioned on here many times in all contexts. In this case, the DH has gone out and spent 60 quid of the family money on getting pissed. This is money they cannot afford because he quit his job and now the family is existing on 1/3 of the family money they had before. It is not acceptable for him to go out and piss that money up the wall when they can barely afford the rent and bills. If he wants to have the money spare to do that then he needs to go out and get another job.

Did you miss the fact the title of it’s post refers to ‘my salary’

ilukp · 22/10/2022 20:31

this man earned 2/3rds of family income and spent £60 as a ONE OFF! There are plenty of women who don’t work, yet feel entitled to spending the money the husband/partner earns. Wtf ! ??

  1. This man is currently no longer earning because he quit his job with no discussion with his wife. The 60 quid is a huge amount of money for a "one off" when the family is now existing on a third of what they were bringing in before. It is not acceptable to do that.
  2. There may be plenty of women who don't work etcetc but this woman, this OP, does work and you have no idea how they organized finances before he quit his job.
  3. Plenty of women who don't work are raising children and saving on childcare costs. So yes, they are entitled to spend money the husband/partner earns.
  4. One of the most annoying things on Mumsnet is people quoting other women, other threads, other circumstances and saying that people are hypocrites or whatever because they are supposedly saying the opposite to what was said on some random thread from a couple of months ago when the circumstances are different
ilukp · 22/10/2022 20:34

Did you miss the fact the title of it’s post refers to ‘my salary’

Whose salary is it? Who earned it?
OP isn't going to put "our salary" because it is her salary.
She is paying for all the rent and bills because he is currently not earning. He has no salary.
They are currently living on her salary. Her salary is being treated as family money and it is being used to pay rent and bills.
He has gone out and spent 60 quid which they cannot afford on drinking. They agreed 20 pounds.
Unfortunately the family money has taken a hit because he is not working, so he can't just go out and spend willy nilly.

Skinnermarink · 22/10/2022 20:35

But is IS op’s salary. She went out and earnt it, and the DH didn’t. She’s not letting him go hungry is she? But their child needs a new coat and he’s getting pissed. In what universe is that ok?

mathanxiety · 22/10/2022 20:40

@CheeseForTea

What 'similar threads' are we talking about?

I haven't seen many where a woman has agreed to spend £20 on a day out and then spent three times that much - because 'face' - after leaving her job that contributed 2/3 of the family budget without discussion a few months ago, despite knowing there are children in need of coats, plus all the other news about cost of heating and overall cost of living?

I'd love if you would post a few links to the threads started by these selfish women and illuminate the support they have received here.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2022 20:43

@Ariela

Companies can do the math - your average job history/ career progression will tell them exactly how old you are.

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:45

ilukp · 22/10/2022 20:34

Did you miss the fact the title of it’s post refers to ‘my salary’

Whose salary is it? Who earned it?
OP isn't going to put "our salary" because it is her salary.
She is paying for all the rent and bills because he is currently not earning. He has no salary.
They are currently living on her salary. Her salary is being treated as family money and it is being used to pay rent and bills.
He has gone out and spent 60 quid which they cannot afford on drinking. They agreed 20 pounds.
Unfortunately the family money has taken a hit because he is not working, so he can't just go out and spend willy nilly.

Her salary is his salary

it’s family money after all

edwinbear · 22/10/2022 20:48

OP I’ve not RTFT but I have read all your posts. We found ourselves in a similar position with the work situation a year ago. DH was made redundant at 55 from a foreign exchange trading job. He was by far the earner in our family. It hit him hard, and he really struggled to find something else, he was out of work for about 18 months, living off savings/redundancy. He applied for hundreds of jobs, had loads of interviews, sometimes making 2nd rounds but no offers.

He eventually took a job doing bar work, as it wasn’t good for him sitting about doing nothing, getting more and more anxious and stressed. He absolutely loved it. Complete change from any other job he’d done, and actually got promoted in 6 months to running the bar. He’s smart, has a good work ethic, gets on well with people etc so I can see why he did well. He’d have happily turned it into a second career he was having so much fun, but whilst the cash was helpful, it wasn’t sustainable in the long run with 2 DC to support, so he’s now back in the City. I certainly believe his new found confidence and the fact he’d gone and worked in a pub to do something, was a factor in his new firm hiring him.

STARCATCHER22 · 22/10/2022 20:57

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:22

The fact grown women use the term ‘cool wife’ is really fucking pathetic

Show quote history

Even more pathetic that it’s supposed to be an insult…

audeloquipalam · 22/10/2022 21:24

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 20:45

Her salary is his salary

it’s family money after all

Show quote history

Factor in that resigning was to preserve mental health and he’s golden by MN standards.

Clymene · 22/10/2022 21:27

I've honestly never heard of a woman who was responsible for 2/3 of a family's income walking out of her job.