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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
XAQ · 22/10/2022 17:18

He is taking you for a mug. Stop letting him.

  1. He lied.
  2. He cheated early on in the relationship.
  3. You are having arguments when you have only been together 7 months.
  4. He belittles you - calling you crazy and controlling - then gaslights you.
  5. He told you about another women to make you not feel good enough.
  1. He probably slept with this women.
  1. Even if he didn't sleep with her 1 - 5 are awful behaviours anyway.
  1. He's a wanker.
Ginger1982 · 22/10/2022 17:19

Bin him. Seriously. If you don't then I will have no sympathy for whatever comes next. Because it will come 🤷🏼‍♀️

totallyoutnumbered · 22/10/2022 17:19

Annabananna1 · 22/10/2022 14:26

Don't waste your time. Get out of this. Be sad for a few weeks. Thank yourself later.

This needs ending.

This. You'll be absolutely fine. Stay with him and you won't be

HikingforScenery · 22/10/2022 17:20

You certainly don’t need his nonsense, OP. I’m so sorry :(

Musti · 22/10/2022 17:22

He went out with a girl and you weren’t invited because he fancied his chances. They slept on the same bed and would probably have had more happen if she let it. And he has already cheated on you. Leave the cheating and gaslighting wanker.

Eloise38 · 22/10/2022 17:23

Run, don't walk. He's a liar who can't keep his dick in his pants. And if letting you choose what film to watch is him being 'overly attentive' then you really deserve better.

BronwenFrideswide · 22/10/2022 17:25

Just do yourself a favour - dump him.

The reason for all the extra niceness and attentiveness was his guilty conscience, he's lying and taking you for a mug.

ilukp · 22/10/2022 17:31

He cheated.

And this:
I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger tts than you”*
He's a shit. You can see from this behaviour what type of person he is. So you were "dating" and not officially together but he met a woman and shagged her at her workplace.
Then once you were officially together, not only did he tell you about this, but then he compared your breasts to hers.
He's a complete and utter prick and you should dump him.

You deserve better than this.

dottiedodah · 22/10/2022 17:33

Just dump him ASAP.you are worth so much more op.

StellaAndCrow · 22/10/2022 17:33

And it shouldn't be that unusual for him to "let" you choose a film and what to eat - that's just what nice people do.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2022 17:33

Yes of course he cheated, and he's been seeing other women all the time he got cross with you for calling him when he's been out.

Moveoverdarlin · 22/10/2022 17:40

I’d dump him for the big tits comment alone.

GabriellaMontez · 22/10/2022 17:45

He's disgusting.

Maytodecember · 22/10/2022 17:49

So many red flags flying.
He lied
He cheated
He “ let you choose” what you wanted him to cook” ( wow)
He gets cross if you contact him when he’s out with his mates.
He insults you.
Walk away, this will not get any better.

Blueink · 22/10/2022 17:57

He's shown he is willing to lie/can't be trusted, the rest is irrelevant

Doingmybest12 · 22/10/2022 18:01

He sounds horrible. Make a devision that you don't need him in your life .

LimeTwists · 22/10/2022 18:02

It’s the repeated lying that’s the issue here, whether they slept together or not. A woman stayed in his bed, and he repeatedly lied about it until confronted with evidence, then somehow made it more of a crime for you to have seen a worrying notification pop up than for him to be a bare faced liar. Naturally, his jealous ex was the one with the problem with this woman, too. Oh, and he’s spiteful enough to criticise your body. He’s a fucking loser, OP. Get rid of him. He lies, gets aggressive when caught lying and tries to make you feel shit about yourself.

PuckyMup · 22/10/2022 18:10

Ghost that fucker and don’t look back. Don’t explain a thing, just cut him out your life. Anything at his, write off and move on.

mavismorpoth · 22/10/2022 18:14

Yeah he did and you're not the girl he's willing to give his lifestyle up for, so walk away.

If he realises his mistake then great, you could make something of it. But if not then he was never going to commit to you and will still have your dignity.

If you stay he will treat you this way until he finds someone he truly likes.

weemouse · 22/10/2022 18:17

"she had bigger tits than you"

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Grab what is left of your self respect and

Run.For.The.Hills.

Randomword6 · 22/10/2022 18:19

Be very wary - the extra attention when he knows he has done wrong and you will find out is part of a pattern of control. It is love-bombing.

BaileySharp · 22/10/2022 18:24

LTB. Hes untrustworthy, he lied and when faced with evidence deflected and blamed you. It isnt your fault if hes being shady! The other woman with bigger tits thing is a bit weird, he was trying to upset you and make you sound not good enough (because in this stupid mans world big tits are a womans value). Overall, i really think you could do better

ChristmasFluff · 22/10/2022 18:27

Another big problem is that he told you how his ex was jealous of this woman - this was to tell you that any questioning of this dodgy relationship was a no-go, and unless you want to be like the unreasonable ex, you better not do it.

Or if you did do it, then yes, you are just like his jealous ex.

He's a skilled manipulator - but not skilled enough to change his bed or act normal. You know the truth. Everyone is right. Ghost him.

FlabbyPirate · 22/10/2022 18:27

He's lied, you've caught him. He then kicks off and blames you.
You don't trust him, he seems to have a pattern and dissing your body in an argument is just the start.

You are worth more than this, pull up those big girl pants and get rid. Your gut is telling you it isn't right. Listen to it, it'll serve you loads of hassle. Also, it's unusual he didn't invite you along because he planned all this.

See your own value! Break ups are shit, but having your heart broken again and again is worse.

Letthesunshineonin · 22/10/2022 18:29

You’re desperately looking for reasons you might be unreasonable thinking bad of him
He’s a cheat who is taking the piss out of you.
Get rid of him and raise your standards!
Don’t be somebody’s fool.

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