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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 22/10/2022 18:30

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 22/10/2022 14:26

Tell him he is dumped. His dick is too small
.

This. Please please do not stay with this man. It's a road to misery.

Robishar · 22/10/2022 18:32

Does it matter if he actually cheated?

1.He lied about being alone.

2.He has fought with you before because you dared contact him when he was out

3.He not only slept with someone else but threw it in your face and was spiteful about it

4.His response to being found in a lie was to gaslight you into thinking you were in the wrong.

I'll be honest 2 would have been a red flag for me and 3 would have an offence the relationship would not have come back from.

You may like him alot, but please think about how much more you are worth. This is not the behaviour of a man who loves and cherishes you, it will get worse and if you don't get out now, you might not recognise yourself in another 7 months.

Xx

Mealoftheday · 22/10/2022 18:44

He is not that into you

He swapped you immediately for someone else

Fairislefandango · 22/10/2022 18:47

If you want to be in emotional turmoil, cheated on, lied to and gaslighted so you think you are going mad then stay. Otherwise get away as fast as possible.

^This. Fgs why do so many women tie themselves in knots trying to come up with reasons to stay with these utter wankers?! Why are you trying to justify his behaviour? There is no justification for any of the stuff you've told us he's said and done. He is clearly just an unpleasant person.

Foreverinjeans · 22/10/2022 19:17

Great advice on here. Wasted words though. OP will stay with this sad sack of shite . Her silence says it all.

Piglet89 · 22/10/2022 19:21

”she had bigger tits than you”.

what is he, 13?

Bin. immediately.

User174133 · 22/10/2022 19:23

I think it makes sense - he had sex with her then felt weird/guilty about it afterwards so left the bed and went to the sofa. If he hadn't cheated he wouldn't have moved.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2022 19:25

User174133 · 22/10/2022 19:23

I think it makes sense - he had sex with her then felt weird/guilty about it afterwards so left the bed and went to the sofa. If he hadn't cheated he wouldn't have moved.

Which explains all the extra affection the next day too. If he didn't feel guilty he'd have acted like normal.

I'd have expected him to at least have the good grace to change the sheets.

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 19:29

Foreverinjeans · 22/10/2022 19:17

Great advice on here. Wasted words though. OP will stay with this sad sack of shite . Her silence says it all.

I’ve been reading them all and taking them in. The silence is more that I have nothing else to say really do I. He’s been horrific with me most of the time we’ve been together. It’s pathetic I’m even posting here.

it’s just humiliating

OP posts:
fruktsoda · 22/10/2022 19:31

He sounds like an immature man-child, not worth your time. If dump him and find a real man instead.

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 22/10/2022 19:33

Get rid, it's a no brainer. He's an absolute arsehole and you'll never feel secure.

Gandalfsthong · 22/10/2022 19:33

He sounds vile

RampantIvy · 22/10/2022 19:36

He’s been horrific with me most of the time we’ve been together.

He doesn't even deserve to get the "you're dumped" message. Just block him and move on.

Being alone is better then being with an arsehole.

badassbaby · 22/10/2022 19:36

Foreverinjeans · 22/10/2022 19:17

Great advice on here. Wasted words though. OP will stay with this sad sack of shite . Her silence says it all.

OP don't feel like this.
This is on him not you.
I bet there's not a woman on here that hasn't gone out with a twat once in their life.
I know I've gone out with loads!!!!
Please take heart, you can and will meet someone worthy of you xxxx

hookiewookie29 · 22/10/2022 19:37

Sounds like a great catch!!
Op, you are worth more. If you let him get away with this, he'll do it again and again. He's an arse.

Weirdlynormal · 22/10/2022 19:37

You’ve got to live and respect YOU OP. Dump this waste of space and start taking back control.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/10/2022 19:37

I’ve been reading them all and taking them in. The silence is more that I have nothing else to say really do I. He’s been horrific with me most of the time we’ve been together. It’s pathetic I’m even posting here.

it’s just humiliating

It's not your shame though OP - it's his.
And plenty of us have wasted our good selves on rotten men. Shit happens - but now you have seen exactly who he is, you can move on with your life.

I hope you get a huge sense of satisfaction out of dumping him, & gain from this experience.

Also ... when a man tells you "it wasn't cheating because we were only just starting dating" ... fuck him off immediately.
And when he tells you "my ex was jealous" - run from the gaslighting, boundary testing fucker. He's telling you that he makes women jealous, but that you'd better not express any. It's a sign of a man who is manipulating you to gain the upper hand.
Finally - any man who compares your body to another woman's, especially when he's focusing purely on specific body parts, is a man who only sees women as bodies. Don't allow yourself to be lowered by twats who do that. Walk away from them - no chances, no examining his motivations, no excuses.

Here's a book you might find very helpful & reassuring - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

BiscuitLover3678 · 22/10/2022 19:38

He is an absolute DICK. God, he’s getting away with murder. You deserve better.

Americano75 · 22/10/2022 19:44

Oh please, get the hell away from him.

ExtraJalapenos · 22/10/2022 19:45

I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him

This alone is bad enough for 7 months.
Its insane you pretty much live together and have these type of arguments having only been together since...March?

The rest of your thread screams zero compatibility. You cannot trust each other. You were not right to look at his phone and he was not right to share a bed with some woman.

I have male best friends who I would share my last penny with, but sharing a bed is fucking inappropriate.

I'd say more but come on, it's 7 months just block and move on

BatshitBanshee · 22/10/2022 19:52

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 19:29

I’ve been reading them all and taking them in. The silence is more that I have nothing else to say really do I. He’s been horrific with me most of the time we’ve been together. It’s pathetic I’m even posting here.

it’s just humiliating

It's only pathetic if you go back to the sack of shite.

FWIW Op I think her message was meant to read as... "Did you really stay in bed with me all night?" As in oh wow, I must be special because you didn't get up and leave after sex. Different smell to the sheets? That's sex. With someone else. Eugh.

ICanReadYourMind · 22/10/2022 19:52

He sounds like a right knob. If you let him get away with it once then he’ll keep on doing it.

RedRobyn2021 · 22/10/2022 20:09

What a gross man. Throw him in the bin.

If I was to bet, I would say they definitely had sex, but even if they didn't

  1. he lied, repeatedly
  2. he thinks it's acceptable to have another woman in his bed

But ALSO
3) he gets mad at you for messaging him on a night out
4) you thought he was being overly attentive asking what you wanted for breakfast etc

He is gross. The company he keeps is gross. It's all just a toxic cesspool. I would be removing myself from it sharpish.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2022 20:14

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 19:29

I’ve been reading them all and taking them in. The silence is more that I have nothing else to say really do I. He’s been horrific with me most of the time we’ve been together. It’s pathetic I’m even posting here.

it’s just humiliating

It's never pathetic to question something that feels 'not right' to you and sometimes the 'outsiders' (people not in your life) can see things that people near you can't see or are afraid to call out. It's wise to seek to know the truth. And that is what you're doing.

And it's not 'humiliating' for you because you have done nothing wrong! You accepted him at face value and he took care to see that his mask didn't slip often enough to alert you, until now. And if you hadn't happened to be near his phone when it went off, he'd still be deceiving you about who he really is. He is NOT a nice man.

As Dr Maya Angelou said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". So now is the time to sit quietly for a moment and consider what is best for you. Just you. Then do it.

ThereIbledit · 22/10/2022 20:24

You are worth so much more than this. xx