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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:29

IroningThrone · 22/10/2022 14:27

You should have run for the hills when he cheated on you the first time!

He didn’t tell me until months after and said it was in the first few weeks of us dating so I just thought I couldn’t really call it cheating.

OP posts:
Imogensmumma · 22/10/2022 14:31

I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.”
⬆️⬆️⬆️🚩🚩🚩🚩
This caused my spidey senses to become alert before even getting to the lady in his bed

7months and you get into arguments when you contact him …. That’s not a good sign

toastfiend · 22/10/2022 14:31

I don't think it really matters if they had sex or not, the bloke sounds like a cunt regardless.

The fact he had to twist the knife about the other woman he had sex with after you'd met tells you what you need to know about him, tbh. Not to mention the fact that he lied, then immediately verbally attacked you as soon as you challenged him. Walk away, he's not worth your time.

CamillasToe · 22/10/2022 14:32

It doesn't matter if he 'officially' cheated or not with this woman's or the first one. His actions are not building trust in your relationship and you need this to move forward and feel comfortable. He has different values to you around honestly and faithfulness - it's never going to be a happy relationship.

CamillasToe · 22/10/2022 14:32

Honesty*

IroningThrone · 22/10/2022 14:33

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:29

He didn’t tell me until months after and said it was in the first few weeks of us dating so I just thought I couldn’t really call it cheating.

I mean this gently, but of course it was cheating. You two were in a relationship. Doesn't matter if it happens on day one or day 972. It's still cheating.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 22/10/2022 14:34

Thank God you are not tied up financially with this absolute twat. Nothing would make me see him again.

Calandor · 22/10/2022 14:35

My partner has shared a bed with a female friend before. I don't mind but only because I know her and their relationship and it's very sibling-like.

Her flirty texts, the ex being jealous and most importantly his LIES mean even if he didn't do anything sexual it's not totally off the cards and he's willing to lie to you anyway. So it's over. He's dishonest and there's something there between them.

Passanotherjaffacake · 22/10/2022 14:35

Girls who stay after things like this can end up as those women who post really desperate OPs stuck with a man they don’t trust and young kids.

don’t fall for the drama of ‘will we/won’t we make it’ (popular culture has a lot to answer for with this) or having your emotions yanked around so you don’t know which way is up - just go.

I could read my husbands phone at any time and he would hand it over no hesitation. Never have. No real reason to.

1224boom · 22/10/2022 14:35

Even if he didn't physically do anything he still shared a bed with another women and then lied about it. It suggests something more than a friendship between them even if it's only flirty vibes.

SmotYci · 22/10/2022 14:36

He's a cunt. Why put yourself through the emotional roller coaster he will bring?

Protect your emotional health, and your physical health and fuck him off. He sounds like a nasty piece of work, and it will only get worse.

You can't trust him now, it will only get worse.

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ImGood · 22/10/2022 14:36

No he lied and he sounds really nasty (the comment about him shagging someone else.) You knew something was off and you were right. You could never trust him again.

AnxietyForever · 22/10/2022 14:37

So he lied?
Why lie if nothing happened?
I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with a liar, you won't trust what he says again!

ImGood · 22/10/2022 14:38

Well yes maybe he didn’t have sex with her but you don’t know and you will probably never know the truth. He still lied to you and you can’t trust him. It was obvious when you said he didn’t invite you. Why didn’t he want you to meet her?

Sunshinebug · 22/10/2022 14:39

Busted! Not really sure why you need to ask advice here???

rosesinmygarden · 22/10/2022 14:39

He lied to you.

You might not know anything else for sure but you know he's a liar.

What else do you need to know?

Lisagreen12 · 22/10/2022 14:40

He got you in the same bedsheets, unwashed might I add, that he slept with a girl in a few hours before. LTB

rosesinmygarden · 22/10/2022 14:40

If you stay with him, you're just showing him you're willing to be lied to.

badassbaby · 22/10/2022 14:40

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

Maybe they had sex and then he made a comment about her breasts so they argued and he left the bed?
Does it matter?
If you accept this behaviour now you will end up in a terrible relationship...this man will not take care of your heart.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/10/2022 14:41

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

Just dump, he's a fucking negging, controlling arsehole. I despair sometimes of the utter shit women put up with on here

Doowop1919 · 22/10/2022 14:41

Even IF he didn't cheat (and that's a big if), he lied to your face easily, then turned it around on you for going through his phone. Horrible man.

Goldpaw · 22/10/2022 14:41

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

Stay with him then, OP, you seem to have such a low bar. The tits comment would be enough for most women.

CamillasToe · 22/10/2022 14:42

I once had sex with a guy who got up and slept on the sofa afterwards! Sharing a bed can feel very intimate.

I found out after he was married btw.

FanTaill · 22/10/2022 14:43

Regardless of whether he cheated or not, he lied to your face repeatedly and then called you nuts and controlling when you caught him out on his lie.

And brought up another girl when you were arguing.

He’s hardly a catch is he!

You owe yourself better than him. You can do miles better. Hold your head high and walk away.

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