“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

[Queeenyy]

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

He’s been horrific with me most of the time we’ve been together.

Right, so now you need to think about why you're still there - for 5/6 nights a week.

What are you getting from him that you need? Companionship, not having to be on your own? Are you afraid you'd be on your own for the rest of your life if you don't stick with him? Is there someone in your life (friends/family) who doesn't like him and has said so, and you don't want to give them the satisfaction of saying 'I told you so'? There has to be a reason why you're so reluctant to let go. Please try to work out what it is and face up to it. MN will help if we can if you don't have anyone else to talk to about it.

No way, don't talk yourself down like that! We're all cheering you on to leave him because we've been in similar situations and we want you to get to a brighter future fast!

He lied because he cheated and it couldn’t be more obvious! He’s a scum bag! Leave now.

Not pathetic at all, sometimes you just need to have the hard truth that you can’t face yourself.
I hope you ok, just remember you are worth more and although it hurts now you’ll be better off well rid of him.
Stay strong, follow lalalaletmeexplain on insta and check out her book block, delete and move on (block him)! Sending hugs xx

Please leave him. Find someone else who treats you with the respect you deserve.

No OP, HE is pathetic and humiliating, not you. Nobody who's decent behaves this way, lying, twisting blame, excusing infidelity because of the size of body parts, gaslighting and controlling. It would be an awful shame if you ignored the advice you're getting. Don't beat yourself up - be kind and good to yourself and do the best for you.

Oh Op. Don't be humiliated! You aren't the first and you won't be the last!

I told you to leave him because you deserve better and I say that as a person who has been with my DH for 9 years, married for 6, 2 DC and treated like a queen, but, my relationship before this one was awful. I was with someone for 4 years who prioritised drugs over me (I've never taken them fyi), I would find evidence of him talking to a new girl constantly. The longest I went in our relationship without finding he'd lied to me about drugs or a girl was 2 weeks! In 4 years!
But I stayed, 3 hours from my family, living in sh*tty rented flats where I paid all the bills because his money went on drugs. He would sneak out whilst I slept or during programmes I watched that he knew didn't have ad breaks for goodness sake!

Eventually I left, 4 months later I met my now husband. I was always looking for evidence of him texting girls etc but he let me, he said he had nothing to hide. He reassured me whenever I needed it, phoned me from nights out, left his phone when he went to the toilet etc and now, I trust him wholeheartedly and wouldn't even think to check his phone.

You will learn and find someone who treats you like to deserve, don't be embarrassed, but listen to people who are trying to tell you the truth, even if it's hard. In a year you'll be with someone who makes you wonder what you saw in this guy, I almost guarantee it xx

Walk away!!!!

Now youve realised how humiliated you are, WALK AWAY.

Asking for advice isn't humiliating. Neither is walking away from a dodgy bloke. What will be humiliating will be him continuing to do this kind of stupid shit and you knowing that's what he's like and not knowing whether he's lying again, comparing you again, etc etc.

He and the "friend" deserve each other.
Please, do not stay with this man. He's a liar, a cheat and a gaslighter.

Don't make this about what he did/didn't do in his bed with her. He might persuade you nothing happened. It could be true, but that's utterly irrelevant and should not be your focus. Your focus should be 1) getting away from a man who has repeatedly degraded you to the point that you feel humiliated 2) reading the book suggested above and staying out of relationships until you have a very firm understanding of how to detect decency in a man. Learn from this and move on unscathed. Mumsnet has many stories from women who accepted degrading treatment for decades and struggled to unshackle themselves later in life - but it's so much harder after they share property and children with his type. This is why Mumsnet is jumping up and down trying to get you to see this relationship for what it is - toxic to you. Do not give any more of yourself to this person. Do not enter into explanations - he will only argue and try to persuade. "It's not working for me anymore. Goodbye". Focus on female friendships, hobbies, nurturing yourself.

Run, don't walk away from this man.
He's awful.
please don't let him make you feel bad about yourself. You haven't done anything wrong.

Congratulations on having healthy, sane boundaries.

You know this isn't right no matter what they are trying to convince you of.

You don't have to look for a concrete proof that he cheated before binning him, listening to your instincts that this is an unhealthy relationship and that he doesn't respect you is enough of a reason.

He's undermining your confidence and it will only get worse.

You don't have to look for a concrete proof that he cheated before binning him

Exactly. It’s not a trail. He makes you feel crap, get rid. You don’t have to justify yourself because it’s YOUR CHOICE.

Of course he cheated.

Then he lied.

Then he DARVO'd - denied, accused you, reversing victim and offender.

And he's enjoying a harem - a selection of women at his convenience. (STI material right there).

Do you want this to be your future?

There's 3.5 billon men on planet. You don't have to accept the dregs.

"He told me this during an argument and then said “she had bigger t*ts than you”."

Listen to me OP.

I don't know how old you are but I am guessing you are quite young. Please please break up with this guy.

I don't know what you look like but the fact you remember this particular comment from him is enough (as well as the fact that he said it obviously).
If you stay with him any longer you really do run the risk of falsely believing your face, your body, your personality, your whatever is not good enough and "that is why he cheated".
Believe me it is all utter bullshit. You are enough, you are lovely, without ever meeting you I am 110% certain your tits are wonderful and that is what he should be saying to you OP, that your own tits are wonderful.
If he says anything else about someone else's tits that is enough for you to finish it (and that is whether what he is saying is comparing to you whether or not that comparison is favourable to you or not). How f**king dare he? Just don't waste any more of your life on him. Please.

OP you're not pathetic for posting on here, one of the problems with being with someone like him is that he makes you doubt yourself, erodes your confidence and undermines your decisions so you're looking for reassurance that you're making the right call in leaving which you are. Nobody thinks you're pathetic or is judging you- we are all judging him because blame and responsibility lie with him.