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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
OriginalUsername3 · 22/10/2022 15:36

God he sounds shit and you have seriously low standards. He was super attentive because he let you pick dinner and what movie you watched.

He told you, as though its an insult, that someone has bigger tits than you.

They shagged. But that's a good thing, because you have an excuse to dump his ass

ToFindNewWays · 22/10/2022 15:36

Yes he cheated.

He cheated before and he made a grossly critical and undermining comment about it. Misogynist.

Respect yourself and walk away, ffs.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 22/10/2022 15:37

This relationship is very intense and had a lack of trust before last night.

Run.

SummerBummers · 22/10/2022 15:37

for me it’s not about him cheating or not it’s the arguments of you text him when he’s out and the spiteful comments about some other woman’s breasts during a fight. He’s bad news.

TugboatAnnie · 22/10/2022 15:38

Stop trying to decode the incidents. He's a waste of your time, doesn't care about you, just call it a day.

Bonbon21 · 22/10/2022 15:39

Whether they 'did' anything or not is not the issue!
He lied.
End of.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 22/10/2022 15:39

Oh get rid of this low life. There are women on here who have been there, done it, got the t shirt with these kind of men. Take their advice - bin him.

Cowhen · 22/10/2022 15:39

As many PP have said, the lying is enough to end this. Run fast, OP. You deserve better.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/10/2022 15:40

At best (and it's not exactly a fantastic benchmark) she was too pissed and he's not actually a rapist, so when she fell asleep/passed out, he didn't rape her. So she was checking whether he stayed in bed with her - and to plan a more successful night next time.

He still took her to bed in the first place. And he's been a lying, cheating, spiteful cunt to you even before this.

Dump and block. Or next time he'll definitely be shagging all night before expecting you to get into the same bed the following afternoon.

Wisenotboring · 22/10/2022 15:41

Please split up with this horrible sounding man. The previous incident alone would be enough to say that. I really do despair at what lovely young women think of themselves. You are worth more.

FleecyMcFleeceFace · 22/10/2022 15:42

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/10/2022 15:14

What the bloody hell does it mater what actually happened in the bed....

  • you contacting him on nights out has caused problems in the past.
  • he ignored you on this night out completely
  • he felt guilty enough to be extra nice and attentive the day after
  • he lied about her staying at all
  • multiple times from the sound of it
  • he got cross when you raised it
  • he then turned to into your problem for being "controlling"

Which part of that screams boyfriend material...??

All of that. ^

It doesn't matter if he had sex with her or not. Everything else about the night involved lying to you. Dump him.

BigCheeseSandwich · 22/10/2022 15:43

Ugh, he sounds absolutely awful. He's lied to you and he just sounds nasty. "She's got bigger tits than you?" Grim FFS. Raise your bar, OP!!

XmasElf10 · 22/10/2022 15:46

Whether he shagged get or not he doesn’t sound like a nice boyfriend… throw this one back and get a better one!

Clymene · 22/10/2022 15:47

Just dump, he's a fucking negging, controlling arsehole. I despair sometimes of the utter shit women put up with on here

This

Come on OP. You should have dumped him for the tits comment.

jays · 22/10/2022 15:47

Get out now. Seriously. The ex wasn’t jealous of that girl, your boyfriend made her jealous of her with his behaviour. The friend sounds like a bitch, he’s gaslighting the arse off you, he knows you’re serious so it doesn’t matter what she thinks. The pair of them have some toxic shit going on, I know it will be hard to leave and I very rarely suggest leaving as a first option to anyone but honesty, get away from the pair of them, he is going to torture you. He really is going to torture you and down the line you won’t have the strength to leave if you stay and take it now.

Alertthecorgis · 22/10/2022 15:47

It all sounds really dodgy. Especially his reaction to you seeing the text. His attitude stinks. I’d be strongly considering ending this relationship.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 22/10/2022 15:48

You might be feeling sad now but empower yourself by dumping him, he'll continue to treat you as an inconvenience when something different comes along.

His type don't change into a loving committed man for anything.

He's a player.

PupInAPram · 22/10/2022 15:49

Run don't walk. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.....

millymog11 · 22/10/2022 15:49

"He didn’t tell me until months after and said it was in the first few weeks of us dating so I just thought I couldn’t really call it cheating."
Why did you think it was not cheating OP? Is it because he told you "it was only in the first few weeks woman, stop being so clingy/demanding you are so uncool" etc

Sheesh, almost all men out there will try this one (yes I am sleeping around but we have only been seeing each other a few weeks)
And of course if they can get away with it it will become "yes I am sleeping around but we have only been seeing each other six months" then "yes I am sleeping around but we have only been seeing each other three years" then "Woman will you stop being so controlling yes I am sleeping around but we have only been married 10 years" etc
99% of men will try this one for as long as they can get away with it.

Ohhhhladz · 22/10/2022 15:50

Let's say he didn't cheat. He lied, several times, and not by omission but specific lies in answer to direct questions you asked him. And then when he realised you had seen the message that proved he lied, he deflected by blaming you for looking at his phone and calling you crazy. (It was wrong for you to look at his phone if the two of you don't have the kind of relationship where that's usual, but it's hardly "crazy" to glance at your partner's mobile if it pings when they're out of the room).

He either cheated or has such a low opinion of you he thought you couldn't handle the truth and it was OK for him to make the decision for you. The bigger tits thing also suggests he may not be that mature or respectful of his female partners in general. You didn't trust him and you certainly won't again if you stay together. He isn't trustworthy - and he'd probably say you aren't either because you looked at his messages. It's over.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2022 15:54

OP you don't deserve to ever feel the way you feel right now. Find a man who never makes you doubt yourself or him.

WaltzingWaters · 22/10/2022 15:55

Time to leave him

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/10/2022 15:56

In your OP, you seemed briefly quite sorted:

got into bed, spidey senses were tingling - good! Trust them!

Confronted him but let him hang himself on his lies first, then confronted with the evidence - good!

But since then, you seem to be asking him and the bed woman what to think. And not engaging with any opinions on this thread about leaving him...?

Anon778833 · 22/10/2022 15:58

It’s bad enough him sleeping with someone I’m a bar and then telling you her tits are bigger than yours. He sounds like a total arsehole.

RampantIvy · 22/10/2022 16:01

and said it was in the first few weeks of us dating so I just thought I couldn’t really call it cheating.

That's cheating in my book. He wouldn't have got a second chance after that, especially after the remark about the size of her boobs.

You deserve better.