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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 22/10/2022 16:30

whatever the details of what happened overnight, this man is not a keeper. You can do better.

WhoAre · 22/10/2022 16:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WilsonMilson · 22/10/2022 16:35

What a dickhead. And then to have the nerve to gaslight you by calling you controlling for looking at his phone.

Lying, cheating asshole. Not for the first time either.

Stop scraping at the bottom of the barrel. Walk away and never contact him again. You would be INSANE to forgive this.

TomAllenWife · 22/10/2022 16:35

Oh OP I could've been you a few years ago

Happy to be in a hideous relationship being gaslighted, love bombed, made out to be crazy, not valued etc etc

I PROMISE there is so much better than this out there for you
I just read your OP to my DP and he shook his head

This is not ok
He is a cunt
You are worth more

mackthepony · 22/10/2022 16:35

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened?

^

150 posts telling you he's a scumbag op. Stop flogging a dead horse and listen to people

He ain't interested in you. Just move on

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/10/2022 16:38

SpideySensesIsALoadOfShit · 22/10/2022 16:16

7 months is nothing, OP. And he's a bellend. It's nothing to do with "spidey senses" <boak> and everything to do with him cheating, making that completely unforgivable and juvenile comment about tit-sizes, and being a complete knob.

Interesting reaction. I think "spidey senses" is a useful term because I was in a really bad relationship for a long time and if I'd ever trusted my feelings and taken then as a sign something was wrong and I needed to get out, I could've got out a lot sooner.

SilverPeacock · 22/10/2022 16:39

He’s horrible to you. He lies to you. Whether he actually had sex with her or not makes no difference. Bin him.

Liztrussisuseless · 22/10/2022 16:44

Don’t waste any more time on this arse. I speak from experience having wasted 4.5 years on someone I knew within about 2 months of dating was a rotten apple

ButIamBatman · 22/10/2022 16:46

Cheating wanker. Get rid.

TalesofHoffman · 22/10/2022 16:47

**You stayed with him after “she had bigger tits than you” …. His arse would have been out the door at that.

Set your bar higher**

This^

Regardless of whether anything happened or not ( it definitely sounds like he has cheated on you btw), you should have ditched when he told you "she had bigger tits than you” after cheating on you on the first occasion. Ditch him. Don't be a mug and don't waste your time.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/10/2022 16:47

Christ, I would have run a mile as soon as I found out he'd shagged someone else while dating me. I'm worth WAY more than that! All this "are we exclusive" modern cultural shit that young women seem to want to put up with these days is so far away from the standard that I hold for myself. It's just another version of the oft-mentioned on here "pick me dance". Whether he shagged this "friend" or not is neither here nor there. He just sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

He's probably got you right where he wants you. If you're staying over a lot he's got a ready made shag, you probably end up tidying and cooking for him I bet too. On the days you're not there he's off out living the single life.

What a catch.

Livinginanotherworld · 22/10/2022 16:48

You need to raise your bar…..walk away, you are worth so much more.

spinachmonster · 22/10/2022 16:53

Sorry to hear this.

I read something recently along the lines of 'a red flag is a stop sign, not something which 'might improve if I love him enough.'

I think you have a number of red flags here 😕. In better news I think you'll look back at this relationship with huge relief that you saw him for what he is so early on. Good luck.

TheVikingGirl · 22/10/2022 16:59

Regardless of whether he had sex with her, he flipped out at you calling him out and he was lying!! Huge red flags here screaming out.
I have been in this exact position before, old friend flying in he didn’t want me to meet was weird about it when she left, I wasted 5 years on a prick like this, found out he was fucking one of students towards the end. Don’t waste the best years of your life on someone that does not deserve you and yes cheating on you in the beginning is still cheating, this is defo enough reason to fuck him off now.
It will be shit but later on you will look back thinking what the fuck and why did I put up with that. Know your worth! Xx

zizza · 22/10/2022 16:59

"he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch"

I found that phrase odd and concerning about the state of your relationship. I can't believe you're still with him

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 22/10/2022 16:59

It doesn't matter if he did or did not have sex with her. His initial response was to call you controlling... This is not his first rodeo, he had that defence ready and waiting.

Nobody deserves that.

Jaffacats · 22/10/2022 17:00

“I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

Your boyfriend has a pattern of turning on you when he’s in the wrong. It has made you wary of asking him reasonable questions about his behaviour - it’s a well worn silencing tactic . He sounds like he’s living a partially single man’s life and doesn’t want to be asked about it. He hasn’t bothered to tell his friend about you or the fact he’s in a relationship with you. Please don’t get caught up in wondering if he had sex with his friend, just cut the line and let this one go, he is so not worth your time and concern.

Obki · 22/10/2022 17:00

his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

That’s a ‘post-coital’ sort of message if ever there was one.

Look at the licking lips emoji, OP, she is referencing oral sex.

Schnooze · 22/10/2022 17:02

He lied. You can’t trust him. Dump. Doesn’t matter if he cheated or not.

Nolosomi · 22/10/2022 17:04

If you stay with this dickhead then you effectively saying to him that he can do what the fuck he likes, with whoever he likes. I’ve been there…wish I’d dumped when I found out my ex had another girl on the go when we first met and we were ‘falling in love’. I didn’t & he was an absolute cheating bastard & liar throughout.

If you want to be in emotional turmoil, cheated on, lied to and gaslighted so you think you are going mad then stay. Otherwise get away as fast as possible.

He sounds vile. Why didn’t you dump him for the bigger tits comment? Get a bigger opinion of yourself OP. No one is worth this abusive shit.

DemBonesDemBones · 22/10/2022 17:04

100% he cheated. Get out while you can.

Runmybathforme · 22/10/2022 17:04

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

OP !!!!!! You're looking for excuses !!!
Stop it, he's a total bastard. You let him get away with it at the beginning, so of course he will do it again. Get away from him.

Gillume · 22/10/2022 17:11

Simple he lied - bye bye get rid of him before he does worse!

KendrickLamaze · 22/10/2022 17:17

We don't know if he cheated or not but we do know that he lied and can't be trusted. Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about this? You knowing he will probably do it and lie and him know he can get away with it? Get out now.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Seebee · 22/10/2022 17:18

what a little shit he is. Leave him now. Like everyone else said.

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