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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
bananaorange00 · 22/10/2022 16:01

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

Seems a bit pointless to ask for opinions because you desperately want to believe he hasn't done anything wrong and you're still trying to convince yourself he hasn't cheated despite every single reply telling you he's a cheat and he's not worth your time. Whether he had sex or just messed around with her or shared a bed he still cheated and lied. Also why would her text have a '😋' face if it's not sexual?

mswales · 22/10/2022 16:02

Don't think it really matters if he cheated this time or not, no WAY would I stay with a guy who told me he slept with a woman because she "had bigger tits" than me. Please please don't stay with someone that is so mean and disrespectful and just gross. I'm worried you may have self-esteem issues if you can stay with someone that says something like that to you, and who you (rightly) don't trust. Please work on loving and respecting yourself! You deserve so much more.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/10/2022 16:03

"He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone"
That's his response, after telling you multiple lies?

"boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa"
But he'd already told you that she went home in a taxi! ("I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.").

And - what has her knowledge of how serious your relationship is got to do with anything? What matters is his knowledge of how serious your relationship is; which, given he climbed into bed with her would seem to be not very serious at all on his part. Certainly considerably less serious than you believed it to be.

This man is comfortable lying to your face. And presumably he lies convincingly, you just happened to be able to prove he was lying this time. And remember - he called you "nuts and controlling" for knowing she'd shared his bed. Nuts. And controlling. For knowing he's a bare-faced liar. Knowing, not fearing. Knowing.

If you have any self respect, you will dump this cheating, lying, shagging-in-a-bar scumbag. Or do you really want to be called nuts and controlling because you've caught him out in yet another lie? Because if you stay in this relationship, there will be more lies. And more cheating. And more telling you that you are nuts.

eish · 22/10/2022 16:03

Whether he cheated ir nit, he doesn't treat you with respect. Ditch him.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 22/10/2022 16:04

He lied, if he haddnt cheated then why did he lie?

Togoodtobeforgotten · 22/10/2022 16:05

Oh and then to turn it around on you and blame you? Walk away.

DragonflyNights · 22/10/2022 16:08

Well he was disrespectful enough to cheat o

SalmonEile · 22/10/2022 16:09

Convenient that you couldn’t meet her because his ex was so jealous of her too

DragonflyNights · 22/10/2022 16:10

DragonflyNights · 22/10/2022 16:08

Well he was disrespectful enough to cheat o

Sorry my fat fingers accidentally hit post. He was disrespectful enough to cheat on you then make that comment about tits so what makes you think he wouldn’t be disrespectful enough to both cheat on you again and also let you sleep in his used sex sheets. Gross.

pistachioicecream · 22/10/2022 16:10

Please, please listen to everyone and walk away from this situation. This is not what a good relationship looks like. It's just not. I know it can be difficult to accept that something is not what you thought it was. But this really isn't how you want your life to be. He's not the one for you.

NoSki · 22/10/2022 16:10

I don’t know why you are trying ti justify staying. He lied about a woman sleeping in his bed, after he cheated on you and said she had bigger tits. Whether he slept with her or not, he does not value you and will move on when he’s bored.
walk away.

7eleven · 22/10/2022 16:12

Ew. He’s not a keeper. Throw him back in the pond. He’s a liar and that’s disrespectful.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/10/2022 16:14

You don't trust him
That's all that matters
Move on

SpideySensesIsALoadOfShit · 22/10/2022 16:16

7 months is nothing, OP. And he's a bellend. It's nothing to do with "spidey senses" <boak> and everything to do with him cheating, making that completely unforgivable and juvenile comment about tit-sizes, and being a complete knob.

BadNomad · 22/10/2022 16:16

You can never trust someone who lies to your face like that. Whether he cheated or not (this time) doesn't change anything.

roarfeckingroarr · 22/10/2022 16:17

He might not have cheated but he's pretty horrible and a proven liar. I couldn't stay.

yellowtwo · 22/10/2022 16:17

Oh op, he is horrible to you, don't put up with it, leave, block him. If you don't, in a few years time you could have babies and he will be off cheating, there's no doubt about that. The "bigger tits than you" comment, what do you think he would be like when your body changes after pregnancy and birth?
Look after yourself.

lannistunut · 22/10/2022 16:18

He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger tts than you”.*

Where is your self-respect? I would have dumped him when he said that.

This man is a z-list boyfriend. Move on, he's not good enough for you.

MrMrsJones · 22/10/2022 16:21

Totally not a good man, dump and move on

Frostine · 22/10/2022 16:21

He said “she had bigger tts than you*

Walk away.

Endlesssummer2022 · 22/10/2022 16:22

I chose YABU because I can’t believe you’re questioning what is going on here. You need to love yourself more.

Planesmistakenforstars · 22/10/2022 16:23

The best possible scenarios are:
He slept with someone else when you were dating.
He belittled you in relation to another woman he slept with.
He has lied multiple times to your face.
He got angry with you when you told him you knew he'd lied.

All of those things are absolute facts.

On top of those things:
He may have slept with his friend. You will never know either way.
He will probably never tell you when she's in town again, or if he does you will wonder and worry.
If you ask about her being out he will call you controlling.
If you ask him to get in touch while he's out, he will start an argument.
You don't trust him, because you can't trust him.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/10/2022 16:24

He sounds awful. You can do so much better.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2022 16:28

Even if they didn't have sex, the crux of the matter is that he lied. He lied to keep himself out of what he perceived was 'trouble'.

To me, that means he'll always lie if he thinks he can get away with something or avoid trouble, big or small. Did he eat the biscuits? Lie. Did he forget to pick up milk? Lie. Did he take £20 from your wallet? Lie. Did he screw the NDN? Lie. Did he gamble away the rent money? Lie.

I won't be in a relationship with a liar because you just can't trust them for anything. And I refuse to live in a situation where I have to 'double think' everything that goes on or worry that someday I'll wake up to a nasty (or expensive) 'surprise'.

FinallyHere · 22/10/2022 16:28

It is not inevitable that he cheated on you. Why would you care, he has definitely lied to you, about something that he knew wasn't right.

He knew it wasn't right, did it anyway

Walk away. You have done nothing wrong here. Unlike him.

Once you know that someone tells lies of convenience, how can you trust anything they say, especially about important things like , well, what you described.

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