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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 22/10/2022 15:15

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

The internet is clear pointing to the nose on your face.

But if you want to find a rationale for this in order to airbrush it out, then fine. It's your life.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/10/2022 15:16

At this stage in a relationship (under two years), you should be walking on air whenever you think of your bf. It should all be lovely, being asked to choose stuff should be the norm.

What have you got? Confusion, worry, and uncertainty. This is not the life you deserve!

Imsomeoneelse · 22/10/2022 15:17

When you’ve dumped him, raise your standards and don’t allow anyone to treat you like this again. And don’t twist yourself in knots trying to make excuses for someone who lies, cheats, accuses and treats you like dirt.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/10/2022 15:19

He sounds revolting. Bin.

Pinkittens · 22/10/2022 15:20

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 15:01

He has a passcode but you can still add messages when they get delivered on the Home Screen

I know but you said you texted the girl directly (presume you'd have had to get the number off his phone) to ask what had gone on, or did I read that wrong? Apologies if so.

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 15:21

Pinkittens · 22/10/2022 15:20

I know but you said you texted the girl directly (presume you'd have had to get the number off his phone) to ask what had gone on, or did I read that wrong? Apologies if so.

I messaged her on Facebook

OP posts:
ParsnipsAndPies · 22/10/2022 15:23

I'm assuming he's very good looking OP. He doesn't appear to have any other redeeming features. Please raise your bar, you deserve so much better. Remember, we teach others how to treat us. What are you teaching him?

Avrenim · 22/10/2022 15:26

Walk away now. Don't do what I did, hang around for months like a bloody doormat, refuse a really good job, and end up thousands of pounds in debt to the twat and unable to trust men for a long time. And maybe think about working on your self-esteem a bit. (Bitter voice of experience will shut up now.)

ThingsIhavelearnt · 22/10/2022 15:26

He is a liar
he gaslights
he Is abusive
he judges women on the size of their toys
he uses womens bodies to demean them

what a bloody catch

Yesthatismychildsigh · 22/10/2022 15:27

You sound very young. Do you want a lifetime of this? If not then dump him now. It’s the second time in a very short relationship. And don’t lose your dignity messaging other women.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/10/2022 15:28

It doesn't matter if he had sex with her or not. He slept in a bed with her and lied to you about it. Time to chuck this one back.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/10/2022 15:29

He’s just not boyfriend material.

Spareline · 22/10/2022 15:29

The comment about ‘she had bigger tits’ would have ensured I never saw him again.

He sounds like an absolute prick.

Melroses · 22/10/2022 15:29

He has already had sex with someone else and got you to belatedly agree it wasn't really cheating.

Even if he didn't have sex with this friend, he has laid the groundwork so that if they did go and have a passionate fling for the week, you would just dismiss it as their (close) platonic friendship.

The previous girlfriend has been dismissed as jealous and you don't want to be that woman.

He has been displaying classic over-compensation behaviour for doing something he knows would make you unhappy. At some point that will stop and he will expect you to put up and shut up, or your life will be full of kind acts in recompense for his bad behaviour.

He doesn't have enough respect for you to behave honestly up front.

BlueDiamondGlow · 22/10/2022 15:30

It doesn't matter whether or not he actually cheated. He probably wanted to and he lied.
You can't trust him.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/10/2022 15:31

Playthegamebwah · 22/10/2022 14:16

Fucking run. He’s absolutely horrible. He cold you controlling when you showed proof he’d slept in the same bed as someone after he’d just lied to your face.

This - please don't demean yourself by accepting his lies and blustering. You are worth more.

misskatamari · 22/10/2022 15:31

Ugh! Dump! Whether he cheated or not, he’s a big giant liar liar pants on fire! You can’t trust him, because he hasn’t been honest about this at all, even when you asked, he lied to your face without a second thought. Get out now

BankseyVest · 22/10/2022 15:32

He lied, told you she got a taxi and has only admitted to what you can prove now. Walk away, not worth the hassle. Find someone who will treat you with respect

StrangerOnline · 22/10/2022 15:32

Probably did have sex - but even if not he has definitely lied about her staying, is disrespectful about women and has given you cause to doubt him before… you KNOW what you should do…
Good luck plucking up the courage to do it (please don’t get pregnant)

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 22/10/2022 15:33

Best you find out what he is like now, sorry this has happened to you

hippoherostandinghere · 22/10/2022 15:34

Dump his ass.

Quitelikeit · 22/10/2022 15:35

I’m sorry this happened to you.

absolutely he cheated. Seems you were kept out of the way in purpose.

Bigfishlittlefishcardboardfox · 22/10/2022 15:35

He either has cheated or he has behaved incredibly disrespectfully, lied and would cheat.

break it off. You aren’t being crazy. This is him not you.

Thefoxsays · 22/10/2022 15:36

You will never trust him- and nor should you. Walk away - it does nothing for your self esteem waiting to see if they will text you on a night out, what time will they be home, are they alone. It will drive you insane. Cut your losses and leave yourself space in your life for someone who deserves you.

millymog11 · 22/10/2022 15:36

He sounds grim. In my opinion the likelihood he did not sleep with her is very very low. I would get out if I was you OP x