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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you stay in the bed with me all night?”

268 replies

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:08

Name changed. New (ish) relationship with this guy - 7ish months or so. I semi-live at his place, maybe stay 5 nights, sometimes 6. I have my own clothes drawer etc there and my own key.

He went out with his friends to “watch a film”. I wasn’t invited which is quite unusual but didn’t really think much of it. there was a friend I’d never met going who had just come back from working abroad. Boyfriend told me his ex was jealous of her because she was flirty with him but he wasn’t interested in her.

He didn’t get in touch with me all night, which again is a bit unusual. I didn’t want to bother him on his night with friends because it’s caused arguments before when I contacted him.

The next morning he text me at 11am to ask me to come round to his and he’d cook for me. When I got there he was really overly attentive and let me do things like pick what I wanted him to cook & what film we would watch. He said they’d ended up going for drinks after and not getting back until late so that’s why he didn’t text. He said he got back and just fell asleep.

When I got into bed to watch the film I just felt weird. I can’t explain it - the sheets just smelt weird - not of perfume or anything like that but just not what I am used to. When boyfriend went to the shower his phone pinged with the message “😋 did you stay in the bed with me all night??” from this female friend.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I asked whether anyone had stayed after the drinks. He said no. I asked how female friend had got home, he said taxi. I asked why he hadn’t offered her the sofa (as she lives about 30 mins away and taxis are expensive), he said she wanted to go home. I asked if anyone had stayed last night - he said no he came home alone.

I then picked up his phone and showed him the message asking what it meant. He called me nuts and controlling, asked why I’d been on his phone, and then I left.

I messaged the girl and asked her and she said “I didn’t think you’d be bothered I just stayed in the bed with him, nothing happened.”

boyfriend has since said maybe she didn’t realise how serious the relationship between us was, swears blind that nothing happened and part way through the night he went to the sofa

I just don’t get the message the evening after discussing the fact they shared a bed? Like why was it needed?

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

is it inevitable that he cheated? I don’t know what to believe and to be honest I do feel bad for looking at his phone - it’s not the first time I’ve done it

OP posts:
JustOrderADoor · 22/10/2022 14:59

@Queeenyy

Listen VERY carefully, for I shall say zis only once...

(probably before your time 'Allo Allo reference)

but seriously, listen to what EVERYONE has said!

dump the twat.

it doesn't matter that he ducked some girl when you'd started seeing each other?! Really? He liked you so much he still fucked her?

it doesn't matter whether the girl that stayed in YOUR boyfriends bed, essentially YOUR bed as yours almost living there, slept or fucked, it really doesn't. He LIED to you several times.

Ask yourself why you're so desperate to make what happened 'ok'. It's very much NOT ok.

where do you live when you're not at his, why do you feel so unhappy there?

you need to look at your life, make yourself happy & ditch the lying bastard.

Delilahonabike · 22/10/2022 14:59

He lied, that's enough. Honesty should be your very lowest bar, there is no excuse for not telling you the truth, not 'I didn't want to upset you' or 'I knew you'd get jealous/paranoid so it's your fault I didn't tell you' or any of the other ridiculous excuses liars try to use. You are worth, at the very least, honesty and respect and this man has neither so he doesn't make the grade, dump him Flowers

ImGood · 22/10/2022 15:01

You’re analysing it all and it sounds like you want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 15:01

Pinkittens · 22/10/2022 14:47

Do people still really not have a keypad/face recognition lock on their phones these days? When you get a new phone it prompts you to choose a passcode etc, I'm surprised your BF didn't have one.

He has a passcode but you can still add messages when they get delivered on the Home Screen

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 22/10/2022 15:02

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

Why are you trying to find ways to explain this away? Forget whether or not they had sex. He's lied and been shifty about his night away. You don't trust him to the point that you've checked his phone several times.

What has he got that means you're desperately trying to find ways to justify staying with him?

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 22/10/2022 15:02

Read this back to yourself as someone else writing it. Get out before it’s too late.

Topseyt123 · 22/10/2022 15:03

Run for the hills! Of course he cheated.

Frazzledmummy123 · 22/10/2022 15:04

Queeenyy · 22/10/2022 14:36

If he cheated and they had sex why would he leave the bed after it happened? Like surely they have sex and stay in bed together, why would he randomly go to the sofa?

The text seems odd to me, like it’s not explicitly talking about sex or whatever, just wondering where he went? I don’t know if that makes sense.

Who are you trying to convince that it was nothing? us, or yourself?

You know the answer. He has lied to you, then turned it on you when confronted with the text. What a catch he is🙄

MegGriffinshat · 22/10/2022 15:05

Christ on a bike, life is far too short for this shit.

Stay with him and this is what your life will always be like.

Leave him and one day you might meet someone who isn’t a liar and such hard work.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 22/10/2022 15:06

I have a feeling OP is just hoping someone will give her "proof" they didn't DTD, and she'll stay with him, despite everyone seeing that this man is seriously a piece of work whether or not he cheated.v

MulberryMoon · 22/10/2022 15:06

Do you really want to be with someone who lied to you and used someone having bigger tits than you in an argument?

inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/10/2022 15:07

I am extra sensitive because before we were officially together he met a girl on a night out and they had sex in the bar she worked at. He told me this during an argument and they said “she had bigger t*ts than you”.

This tells me everything I need to know about what type of man he is.

7ish months is no time at all - run as fast as you can and don't look back. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone who is not going to treat you like a doormat.

butterfliedtwo · 22/10/2022 15:08

Fucking run. He’s absolutely horrible. He cold you controlling when you showed proof he’d slept in the same bed as someone after he’d just lied to your face.

This. Op, please don't let this fucker run you around.

PollyAmour · 22/10/2022 15:08

Empty your clothes drawer at his, give him back the key, and draw a line under this one. He's not a keeper.

viques · 22/10/2022 15:11

IroningThrone · 22/10/2022 14:33

I mean this gently, but of course it was cheating. You two were in a relationship. Doesn't matter if it happens on day one or day 972. It's still cheating.

Call it cheating or not cheating, what is shows is that he is an opportunistic shagger. So ex in his bed? Yes he did.

And how skanky to not even change the sheets knowing you were going to get into the bed and give him a quickie after the film.

Motherofalittledragon · 22/10/2022 15:11

He's a liar and a cheat, dump his ass and hold your head up high and think that you had a lucky escape!

Changingmyminddaily · 22/10/2022 15:12

Urgh. Whether they had sex or not the whole thing stinks. She stayed over, they inexplicably shared a bed which he clearly wouldn’t have done with a normal ‘mate’, she text him in a flirty way after. And then he lied about the whole thing, got mad at you when you pointed out his lie and then she’s helping him think you’re in the wrong.

Every bit of that stinks and put all together it really stinks.

bewarethetides · 22/10/2022 15:12

He's not a keeper.

Run, don't walk, run.

Sarahcoggles · 22/10/2022 15:13

OP think about it.
He cheated on you early in the relationship, and then threw it back in your face in the most painful way months later. What a cruel thing to do.
And now he's told you blatant lies. It's irrelevant whether or not they had sex last night. It's the fact that he lied about sharing a bed, then blamed you when you questioned him.
And in the past he's got angry with you for messaging him when he's on a night out.

And all this in just 7 short months, when you should still be in the honeymoon phase.
Get some self respect. If you let this pass you're showing him that you're a doormat and he can treat you however he wants. Is that what you want him to think?

StickofVeg · 22/10/2022 15:13

So he's cheated on your once. He says horrible things like "her tits were bigger". and he lies and he's cheated again. I say block, run and don't look back. What you've experienced in the last 7 months is how the next few years look if you stay with him.

Olsi109 · 22/10/2022 15:13

Whether he cheated or not (probably did) is irrelevant - he lied about it which means he has something to hide, and then tried calling you controlling for being extremely reasonable and calling him out. Massive red flags. Keep your dignity and walk away from this loser.

Cw112 · 22/10/2022 15:13

Regardless of what happened between them he's a liar and untrustworthy. He lied to you that she didn't stay over, he only admitted when you'd already caught him out and even then he tried to throw blame on to you by saying you're "nuts" when you were stating facts (gaslighting you) and "controlling" because you'd caught him red handed. It was his responsibility to ensure he was acting in a way that was respectful towards you even when you're not there with him. Whether or not they kissed/had sex he crossed a line and for me I'd be done.

Walk away now, you deserve better and he's showing you exactly who he is.

lentilly · 22/10/2022 15:13

Just leave him.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/10/2022 15:14

What the bloody hell does it mater what actually happened in the bed....

  • you contacting him on nights out has caused problems in the past.
  • he ignored you on this night out completely
  • he felt guilty enough to be extra nice and attentive the day after
  • he lied about her staying at all
  • multiple times from the sound of it
  • he got cross when you raised it
  • he then turned to into your problem for being "controlling"

Which part of that screams boyfriend material...??

Wombat100 · 22/10/2022 15:15

He sounds like a tit OP.

It’s really hard when you’re invested with someone/see a future with them but it really really shouldn’t be this hard only a few months in.

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