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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL said my breast milk isn't good enough for my baby

306 replies

goldenroses95 · 21/10/2022 20:43

I have a newborn who is feeding extremely often and my MIL claims that my baby is feeding so often because she's not getting enough nutrients from my breast milk. She says I need to change my diet (this is based on her seeing me eat 1 pizza takeaway on the weekend!) and even said "do you not love your child?"

I have told her that babies cluster feed and you feed breast fed babies on demand but MIL is having none of it. DH has not once backed me on this and her constant interfering is stressing me out. This incident is just one of a long list of things she's said/done.

Not an aibu as such but posting to see if anyone can advise me on how to navigate this situation!

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 21/10/2022 21:14

even said "do you not love your child?"

What an absolutely revolting thing to say to any new mother, let alone the mother of your grandchild.

CheekyHobson · 21/10/2022 21:14

The other day she also said "I wish I could just take the baby because you two (me and DH) have no idea what you're doing"

Between this and the equally outrageous "Don't you love your baby" comment, it seems that you need to set some extremely firm boundaries with your MIL in terms of how she speaks to you.

First step is to speak to your DH when she's not there. Tell him you find it grossly insulting and unacceptable to be told neither of you know what you are doing, and to have your love for your child questioned. Your MIL appears to have very little respect for you, and it is stressful and unhealthy to try to maintain a civil relationship with someone who feels they can insult you freely with no consequences.

Let him know that you have decided to set a boundary with her that if she speaks to you in such a degrading way again, you will stop inviting her into your home. Ask if he is going to be prepared to have your back on this, and if not, why not.

If it appears that your husband genuinely thinks it's fine for his mother to insult you both and then carry on with the relationship, ask yourself whether your relationship with him is one you really want to continue in. If he has grown up in an environment where he has been insulted and criticised all his life, he may be inured to it, and not see how wrong it is. Without getting angry with him, you could encourage him to attend couples counselling with you to try to understand why this is a really unhealthy relationship model for him, and also for your child to grow up seeing.

Next step is to contact your MIL and set the boundary. You could do this by email or over the phone, or on territory that you can leave if she becomes insulting. You don't want to have her in your house where she can refuse to leave and cause a stressful scene. She will probably not take it well, and will argue and act like you are being unreasonable. You can simply repeat, "You are entitled to your opinion, but I will not have my parenting insulted or love for my child questioned, so you will need to keep your opinion to yourself if you want us to have a good relationship going forward." If she keeps trying to make it a battle, you can eventually say, "I am sorry you are upset by this but I don't feel there is any value into going over it again. I have let you know where the line is for me, and I hope you can respect it." Then just leave.

She will either haul herself into line because she wants continued access to her grandchild, or she will have a tanty and cut contact, which will give you some peace.

Notanotherwindow · 21/10/2022 21:14

Refuse to let her in and tell DH if he wants to see her then he can stand out on the doorstep with her and anyone else who thinks they have the right to insult you in your own bloody house.

escapingthecity · 21/10/2022 21:14

How old is your baby? Well done you for BF. You keep looking after your baby the way you know it needs xoxo

Ellie56 · 21/10/2022 21:16

goldenroses95 · 21/10/2022 20:57

Thank you everyone for your advice. She doesn't live with us, but she visits weekly. The other day she also said "I wish I could just take the baby because you two (me and DH) have no idea what you're doing"

She is just unbearable!

How rude! I would tell her she's no longer welcome.

overtaxedunderling · 21/10/2022 21:18

Congratulations on your baby. Things take a little while to come through, once your baby puts on some weight, you'll be confident that you're supplying what's needed.
Right now, as long as you and the little one are getting on together, the rest of the world can bog off! Good luck.

StopStartStop · 21/10/2022 21:19

I've only read your posts, OP, not the responses.

Your MIL - I have a word for her. Rhymes with 'front'. Also, she's ignorant, as in lacking in knowledge. Take not a blind bit of notice of her.

So.

Your baby should have 24hr access to the breast and will suckle every 20 minutes or so. Think of suckling as akin to breathing, not eating a meal. That's what babies arrive ready to do. They know more about it than mothers-in-law know.

jamdonut · 21/10/2022 21:19

My ex MIL did the same to me . she insisted she was right and I was wrong and starving my children. I just carried on, but she made me feel awful.
All 3 of my children ( her grandchildren) were breast fed and have survived into adulthood!

ForeverFailing · 21/10/2022 21:20

Your MIL is an arse! Tell her it isn’t the 80’s anymore and times have changed. Go easy on yourself but give your husband hell for not backing you up. You are mum, trust your instincts.

ChubbyMorticia · 21/10/2022 21:20

“I’m not going to listen to your nasty comments anymore.”

Personally, she’d never be welcome in my home again, or at least until she’d made a genuine apology and proven she could keep a civil tongue in her head, whichever came first. If your husband won’t keep her away, I’d lock baby and I in our room, or leave when she was present.

Nope. You don’t get to treat me like that, ESPECIALLY in my own home!

ChagSameachDoreen · 21/10/2022 21:21

The way to navigate the situation is to tell MIL quite firmly to fuck off.

WonderingWanda · 21/10/2022 21:22

God she sounds dreadful. I can't believe she thinks those things are ok to say to you.

Next time she says she wishes she could take the baby reply with 'I wish you could just fuck off with your unsolicited opinions'.

Kakinkankakoo · 21/10/2022 21:22

It sounds like she is actually desperate to hurt you and undermine you. She actually sounds very controlling and she cannot stand the fact that she has no say over the baby and she is trying to exert her power to make you stop breastfeeding so she can wrestle in on the act. I feel this is all about control. Has she controlled your husband, or tried to, in the past? If your husband won't put boundaries in place, you definitely need to. These are very harsh and unfair comments to make to a new mother. Put your foot down and don't feel bad because she is will ride roughshod all over you over the coming years if you don't assert yourself now.

nutbrownhare15 · 21/10/2022 21:22

The classic 'did you mean to be so rude?' seems like it might be useful here.

ivykaty44 · 21/10/2022 21:22

when she visits

ask her if she can do something useful, rather than critique your breast feeding on demand.

I have tried hard to support my dd1 bf and have learnt so much from her about the subject, she read the La Leche book, available in most libraries and very informative about cluster feeding, baby putting in their order for the next day, the night time 2 am feeds and why they happen, how the woman's body breast feeding mimics a menopausal woman with hot flushes

perhaps your MIL could get a copy form the library and inform herself wink

every time she starts Id say

if you want to be useful can you

do the washing up
put the laundry int he machine
hang the Landry on the washing line

possibly your dp hasn't backed you up on a subject he feels out of his depth?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 21/10/2022 21:23

goldenroses95 · 21/10/2022 20:57

Thank you everyone for your advice. She doesn't live with us, but she visits weekly. The other day she also said "I wish I could just take the baby because you two (me and DH) have no idea what you're doing"

She is just unbearable!

Thats a horrible thing to say!! I'm sure all new parents are clueless, DH and I definitely were. And I'm sure she was when she was a first time mum as well.

You need your DH to address these things, I like what a PP has suggested about telling him to have a word, or you will as a sleep deprived new mother.

You are doing great btw!

Bitterbean · 21/10/2022 21:25

Next time she visits, could you make sure you are out with baby? She will soon get the message if every time she comes you are not there.
Alternatively you may have to be quite adversarial I'm afraid, in this situation, to let her know it is not acceptable.

magma32 · 21/10/2022 21:26

I agree with pp you need to tell her to fuck off and not politely ignore her. As your Dh never backs you up you’re well within your rights to get angry and offend her. If he has a problem you can tell him to fuck off too. This sort of thing is so damaging for new mums and therefore their babies so you need to toughen up and set these boundaries. It’s hard to be tough when you have nobody to fight your corner but you have full permission from many of us here to do that. You don’t need permission from your Dh who is clearly the real problem. If you keep being polite she will carry on.

goldenroses95 · 21/10/2022 21:26

I have spoken to DH about not backing me up and his reasoning is he's never had a baby before so he has no idea what's right or wrong. I have tried to tell him there's nothing wrong with how I'm breastfeeding but it seems he believes his mum over me since she's a nurse.

OP posts:
BobDear · 21/10/2022 21:26

Tell your DH that if he doesn't defend you from her - frankly disgusting - comments, then you will have to defend yourself and you will not hear a word about 'how you spoke to his mother'. How you then deal with your DH is another matter.

I would be completely clear with her.

"I am a new mother but that doesn't make me a shit mother. We are cluster feeding - and if you don't understand that, I suggest you do some research - and our baby is safe, loved and thriving. When you insult my parenting in front of my husband and baby, it makes me feel anxious and angry and THAT IS bad for my baby. So either stop being toxic or stay away until you can respect that I am this baby's mother, not you."

And stick to your guns

NancyJoan · 21/10/2022 21:26

“My medical team are happy with the way I’m feeding and with the baby’s progress.”

Start with this, move on to

”I’m worried you affecting my milk supply. It will get better if you leave now.”

Whatwouldyado · 21/10/2022 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

Congrats on the most unhelpful post in mumsnet history - go crawl back under the mean rock you came from

Kennykenkencat · 21/10/2022 21:27

goldenroses95 · 21/10/2022 20:57

Thank you everyone for your advice. She doesn't live with us, but she visits weekly. The other day she also said "I wish I could just take the baby because you two (me and DH) have no idea what you're doing"

She is just unbearable!

Time to plaster on a smile and say that she is so funny.
All you have had is positive feedback from everyone who has seen baby.
Times have changed since you did all this.

britsabroad · 21/10/2022 21:28

Tell her to f**k off! How dare she? Also tell your husband he needs to tell her she's out of line and should be supporting you. My MIL is similar. She bottle fed all three kids and every time she couldn't understand why anyone would want to breastfeed, everytime she rang she would ask if I had switched to a bottle yet. Fortunately I live overseas so I stopped taking her calls.
It's your baby and you decide how to feed your baby. You know best. It's none of her business and quite frankly she's being incredibly rude.
Don't engage with her. You don't need that negativity in your life.

Letthesunshineonin · 21/10/2022 21:28

Would you feel comfortable saying
Oh do fuck off MIL
I honestly would be very tempted. Seems like she needs a short sharp shock to butt out of your business. She sounds unbearable!

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