MIL said my breast milk isn't good enough for my baby

[goldenroses95]

I have a newborn who is feeding extremely often and my MIL claims that my baby is feeding so often because she's not getting enough nutrients from my breast milk. She says I need to change my diet (this is based on her seeing me eat 1 pizza takeaway on the weekend!) and even said "do you not love your child?"

I have told her that babies cluster feed and you feed breast fed babies on demand but MIL is having none of it. DH has not once backed me on this and her constant interfering is stressing me out. This incident is just one of a long list of things she's said/done.

Not an aibu as such but posting to see if anyone can advise me on how to navigate this situation!

She's ridiculous! And you would be perfectly fine to laugh in her face at some suggestions!

Your dh needs to back you up very clearly

I would try and go out but would also be using phrases like

"I will stick to the latest advice from midwives and health visitors thanks"

"Really - how strange, that's not at all what the W H O says"

"That's not up for discussion"

"Ha ha - Don't think I will be up for leaving my child for a week for a few years yet!"

"Mmmm, ok then"

"Well we're happy with our decisions for our baby"

Great video….could have done with this 28 years ago !

The fact she just turns up is wrong too, I’d be sending a family text telling people if they want to visit they are more than welcome but to make arrangements beforehand as you may be busy that day.

we did this before we had our 1st baby and it worked well,

Don’t let her in. She doesn’t give you the courtesy of letting you know she’s coming, you don’t have to give her the courtesy of letting her in.

Tell her to fuck off next time she makes comments. It’s obvious she wants you to bottle feed so she can take the baby for a week.

You do need to get assertive now. Your MIL can't just drop in whenever she wants and expect you to be happy with that. Tell your DH that you want her to ask in advance if it's convenient for her to come over, and to accept it when the answer is no. Tell your DH that she stops it with the comments about your BF routine.

His reaction should tell you everything you need to know. Be clear that if he fails to support you 100% in this, you will take this to mean that he does not put you, your baby and his family first and that it's the beginning of the end. He needs to stop being a wishy-washy mummy's boy.

goldenroses95 · Today 01:11

Also, I typically never know when she's visiting. She just calls and says "I'm on my way now!" And turns up minutes later and I kind of feel obliged to let her come since she lives over an hour away.

When she phones, tell her you are out and won't be home for a while and when you get back you and baby will be napping so todays not good for a visit. Suggest a particular time that suits you for her to visit, and if she says not good for her, then just say oh well, lets leave it for now. Do this a few times and she 'should' soon stop this unwelcome popping in at her convenience.

I'm not a fan of 'popping in' - and now with mobiles and ring doorbells its easy to discourage. Different when DSD starts coming over unexpectedly, but as its DH she wants to see and defo not me, its unlikely to happen too often.

Congrats on your little one!

The word "cluster" may not have been used but "feeding on demand" absolutely was. I was breastfeeding in the 90s and my older friends were given the same advice in the 80s.

My DM and MiL were both instructed on the "4 hourly feed" model and that most women don't produce enough so bottle feeding is better. That was across mid-late 50s to early 70s when advice was already changing. So unless the OP's MiL was a very late mother indeed then breastfeeding on demand was the main advice when she was a new mother.

Just to reiterate my earlier point about going to a group to get your latch checked and adding I think it would be great to take DH. We have lots of dads accompany mums and babies at our group and it can be really useful for them to hear what is normal breastfeeding behaviour. As for her being a nurse, I've stood and watched some midwives giving out outdated or just incorrect feeding advice so I certainly wouldn't expect a nurse to be a breastfeeding expert!

Go out when she next says she’s on her way. She’ll only learn if she is inconvenienced.
On the feeding you need to speak up firmly. Remind her that you went to the antenatal classes and are follow current advice from midwives. But first, give your DH an almighty bollocking. It would also be helpful if he can hear this from a HV as well.

What a nightmare, so sorry @goldenroses95 I really can't think of any practical advice about navigating this (other than ignore) but just wanted to post to let you know that I know people whose MILs are exactly the way you describe. They are so rude and uncaring towards the new mums, trying to interfere all the time, always thinking they're the experts, and putting the new parents down. I think they do it to make themselves feel better about themselves. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

What does this even mean

I think she is unconciously regretting that she didnt breastfeed herself. Thats what often triggers behaviour like this. Still its not an excuse to be this nasty to you.
Have no practical advise, sorry. Your husband needs to back you up and educate himself, not hide behind "I dont know and Mum knows better"
.

Jesus Christ she sounds awful! I wouldn’t be letting her visit until she can behave herself and be helpful, and your DH needs to be having that conversation with her. I wouldn’t be going out of my way to explain breastfeeding or my parenting choices to her, I would simply be telling her she’s not welcome to visit. And if she turns up out of the blue and you happen to be putting your coat on and going out, well that’s her problem because she should have asked first.

So much of this is familiar... Previously reasonable relatives going mad when a baby is born, grandma's who are nurses knowing absolutely nothing useful but thinking they know everything, and relatives thinking they can turn up every week and be unpleasant to the mother while fawning all over the baby.

It's difficult to deal with these situations but you have to just steel yourself and be assertive. It's all about communication. First talk to your husband, he needs to know you expect his unconditional support. His mother knows less about looking after a newborn than you do, because her knowledge is outdated. And even if she does have some useful advice to offer, it's no good unless she is respectful. Tell her to let you know before setting off and if she doesn't, don't let her in. And think of some suitable responses to her comments. Don't get into a debate about your choices. Say that you are following the advice of your midwife or that you are happy with your choices. If she's nasty then tell her so. The truth is that either she starts behaving or it will drive a rift between you and your husband or she will end up unwelcome at your home.

@C8H10N4O2 My MIL had her first in 1976 and my mum in 1980. They were both encouraged to formula feed on the every four hour model back then, probably from their own mothers who had kids in the 50s. So while breastfeeding may have been encouraged from the mid 70s by health professionals (they both attempted it for a hot second with their first), they didn't have the support network in their family to carry on. In the early days, encouragement and support is vital. Luckily I had my NCT group, but not all have that.

That's what they were taught back in the day. Just tell her advice has changed and it's a perfectly normal amount to feed. I tend to just repeat "We're fine thanks " after that if people keep telling you what you're doing wrong.

No more visits for MIL until she can stop being a controlling, unsupportive bitch. She has no idea what she’s talking about , cluster feeding is completely normal and nothing wrong with eating the occasional pizza! She just wants to take over. And DH needs to start supporting you.
you’re doing amazing OP 💐

It's easy to say don't let her in but harder in practice. The husband has to be fully on board with it first otherwise you're arguing with both of them

That's true. It also feels terrible in the moment. But so great afterwards when you feel you have some control and have escaped the weekly ear bashing!

Im now NC with my MIL, due to what started when DD1 was born. She just couldn't respect boundaries. But it was 4 years in the making after many different ways of handling it. I feel FREE!!! (Although she has recently started trying to get back in.)

But I have been in OPs position. Her MIL will start saying to the flying monkeys that OP is stopping her seeing her GC. So it needs to be handled carefully.

My ils started arriving at 8.20 trying to take dc to school.. Mil wore her glasses to help fil with the driving.. Mil never got out of second gear when she drove. Over my dead body was she having the dc in their car..
I had the dc ready with coats on and breezed past them with a cheery Bye!!
Took me a few times for them to get the hint..

That’s just one paragraph from the NHS website. You need to cheerily tell her she’s talking nonsense. Ugh! Be kind but firm. Congratulations!

Same with my DM. We were both bottle fed. DM said as they stayed in hospital for several days then, the babies were in a 4hrly routine before discharge which she found helpful.

Just tell her that your baby is healthy and thriving, then ask if she struggled with breast feeding her son, and is that why she doesn't understand how it works.