MIL said my breast milk isn't good enough for my baby

[goldenroses95]

I have a newborn who is feeding extremely often and my MIL claims that my baby is feeding so often because she's not getting enough nutrients from my breast milk. She says I need to change my diet (this is based on her seeing me eat 1 pizza takeaway on the weekend!) and even said "do you not love your child?"

I have told her that babies cluster feed and you feed breast fed babies on demand but MIL is having none of it. DH has not once backed me on this and her constant interfering is stressing me out. This incident is just one of a long list of things she's said/done.

Not an aibu as such but posting to see if anyone can advise me on how to navigate this situation!

I'm struck by you saying this is just something in a long list - not surprised though, it's rare something like this is an isolated incident. A MIL who is truly considerate would ask questions and suggest things in response, this woman criticising you to the extent she is has alarm bells ringing loudly.

As to your husband, he has been raised by this dysfunctional woman so has no idea what is normal. It is time for him to be educated. Please stand your ground and do not allow this woman's poison into your life, you need boundaries in place immediately.

In my family it was my husband who had the disastrous MIL, my "mother". She created havoc in our lives and I hope you are able to escape this by nipping it all in the bud asap. I've recently discovered podcasts by psychotherapists Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna, they're fantastic. A writer sends in a letter about their issues (usually with a narcissist in their lives) and they dissect the behaviour and explain in a clear but also entertaining way what is unacceptable. It's very validating in a situation where your nearest and dearest are telling you "it's not that bad".

Have a listen to this one:
This week Katie and Helen look at the relationship between a Mother and Daughter in Law, and how the Daughter in Law is being scapegoated by her MIL for 'stealing' the son.
They look at where the boundaries are and how to change the dynamic.
player.fm/series/in-sight-3375424/ep-30-one-way-street

And congratulations on your baby!

Just tell her that whilst she is perfectly entitled to her opinion, unfortunately for her she is in your house and in your house her opinions are worth the square root of fuck all. And then put a rocket up your husband and tell him if he can't support you then he can expect you to put his mother in her place every time she opens her trap in future.

Ugh, ignore, or tell DH to tell her to stop. Also most of us don't know what we're doing sometimes when we become parents, how does she expect you to get to know your baby's needs if she takes her??!

Cluster feeding is normal but if she's feeding constantly round the clock I'd always suggest getting your latch checked at a specialist drop in group. Your breastmilk is enough for her, but you might find that a couple of tweaks will mean she doesn't need to.feed quite as frequently and might make your breastfeeding journey a little easier in the long run (not sure how old baby is, and obviously I may be wrong but "feeding extremely frequently" is something I hear a lot at our group).

Suggest to DIL and DH that as a HCP she has a responsibility to report poor care. She can put her professional reputation on the line for crap advice, or admit you are doing fine.

Put up or shut up

This video is wonderful!

Did MIL breastfeed? I’m guessing she didn’t.

My MIL did and was so, so helpful at all times with it.

My mother, however, did not. She was openly disgusted by it and constantly criticised me for breastfeeding/breastfeeding in general.

Both of my DDs were, according to her, starving, malnourished, clingy, and obviously I was making a rod for my own back because I was holding them too much.

Women can be fucking weird about breastfeeding at times, but in my experience, mostly when they’ve never done it or been around it, so have zero knowledge, yet constantly boldly state things as though fact when they aren’t.

I wouldn’t share any breastfeeding information with her. I don’t think this is a knowledge issue, though I’m certain she is ignorant about breastfeeding. If you give her printouts as a means to help her understand, she will see this as you trying to convince her and will enjoy turning her nose up at your research. Don’t give her the satisfaction of feeling like you need her approval.

My own mother told me with my first, I hen I was a desperate single mum of 21 with a colicky screamer, 'that's because your milk is weak isn't it. Plus the colic is from the Diet Coke you drank earlier.'

STFU MUM!!!!

Just ignore. Smile. Roll your eyes extravagantly. And carry on doing what you're doing. I managed it for years and my son actually grew despite my weak, fizzy milk!

Your MIL is taking shit. Your milk is everything and more that little one needs. The best gift you can give the baby x

Just say - research since you had babies has shown - and continue with what you’ve said already about cluster feeding. Then ignore.

What a strange remark. Breastfeeding isn't some newfangled thing, women have been doing it since the dawn of humanity never mind the 80s.

How does being a nurse make her know more about breastfeeding???

I'm a nurse.... and breastfeeding isn't a syllabus we cover!!

DH needs to step up. He's a Dad now and needs do his own research on stuff and stop listening to his Mummy

That is appalling. What a dreadful woman.
Remind her she is a guest in your child’s life - no more. Your dc is NOT her baby. ( and I speak as a grandparent)
Limit her visiting — stretch it to every 8 days, then 9. If she says she’ll visit Tuesday say that doesn’t work for me, come for morning coffee on Thursday.
Take control now because it sounds like control is her aim.

I'd be concerned that standing up to her and having an argument will make things worse. Talk to your DH, will he fall out with his mother for you (probably not)? If not you will only isolate yourself if you argue with her and you don't want to end up with them both angry at you.

You need some non-confrontational responses. So, e.g., the 'pass the beandip' method. If she criticises you then just say 'that's interesting, could you pass me a biscuit' and move the discussion along. Acknowledge but don't engage. Or the 'make it her problem' method. If she criticises the food you eat 'Yes, we'd love to eat more healthily, I'd really appreciate it if you would cook for us when you visit'. Or 'yes, I'd love to eat more healthily, maybe you could teach DH some quick and easy meals'. If she is particularly upsetting in what she say then just say 'That is very upsetting'. Don't say anything more.

I thought the post was like you were drinking alcohol and smoking but it's about you eating a pizz, is your mother in law for real? Where is your mother and do you have sisters? Next time she visits have them come along and see what the female family members have to say about your nosy old bag of a mother in law.

Please PLEASE just ignore her and stick to your guns.

You're doing a great job. She's clearly a nutter. Can't reason with people like that, so just ignore.

I know this MIL is awful but let's not tar them all with the same brush.
my own MIL has been nothing but a wonderful support to me through good times and bad for the last 17 years and has stepped into my own mum's shoes after DM had a terrible stroke leaving her unable to speak

You or her son tell her to mind her own business.

And avoid seeing her if that's how she is!

But that's what babies who breast feed do ...feed feed feed to get the supply. Why on earth is your mil around. Your DH needs to step up her and tell her to back off. Congratulations on your baby x

Her saying that you don't know what your doing? Does any new mum know what they are doing really? You're a normal woman with a newborn you will be like the rest of us, crossing your fingers and hoping it works out. No mother is perfect, no mother is totally clued up and no mother has the right to backbite at how another raises her. She is vile

Keep away from your MIL. She hasn't got your best interests at heart so by proxy she isn't caring for her grandchild either. What a horrible woman she is.

My daughter-in-law is breastfeeding her new baby and I'm trying to give her nothing but encouragement to boost her confidence as a first time mum.

Anyway, a few days ago I saw her do something very wrong/dangerous, (nothing to do with breastfeeding) which shook me to my very core. I stepped in and got it gently sorted, without saying anything to her about what terrible thing could have happened. I later told my son and he stopped it from happening again, without telling her it came from me. It's a fine line you walk as an MIL as you want to encourage and not criticize. Your MIL is totally out of line and I'm so sorry she's doing this to you.

BTW, my daughter-in-law see's what a tall strong man her husband is and knows he was exclusively breastfed, so that alone is enough for her to know breastfeeding works very well.

Sorry to offend. I know that some people do need to combi feed - I did too for the first week or so. But I just about had it with mil who came to stay with us for (25 days!) when dd was born and every single time I needed to feed her 'again' I got raised eyebrows and comments about how I must not be producing enough otherwise she wouldn't feed so often. When in fact my dd was gaining weight and doing just what she needed to do. She felt that if baby wasn't feeding only every 3 hours there was something wrong. I explained cluster feeding to her at least every other day and she just wouldn't accept it was a thing.

Not really, attitudes and advice change. Cluster feeding is not something that was advised in the 80’s or the 90’s (at least not in my experience) I am obviously aware breastfeeding is not a new concept-more the advice and support

This!