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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think paying my daughters debts enables her

181 replies

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:21

recently my daughter had two friends come to me and tell me she had borrowed a substantial amount of money off them each, she started ignoring them and reached out to me to talk to her. This was a few months apart and I’m really disappointed. Another friend had mentioned they had lent her money and never got it back.

i feel really upset, my daughter is quite vulnerable, she doesn’t work, she had two kids very closely together, two under two. Her childrens father left her with a huge rent to pay and I have spent a lot of money on sorting her out each month as she can’t make ends meet. I would love to have her back home but I have no space. Now she is borrowing money off friends that I have had to pay back, I’ve spoken to her in tears as I fear she will end up even lonelier. I suppose I paid up to try to mend things but these friends want nothing to do with her. I feel so sad as she wouldn’t apologise to them and it’s like she is self sabotaging

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 21/10/2022 17:23

My response here really depends on what she's spending the money on.

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:24

Well she just has got back off holiday! She has decided to go to uni so she’s spent her loan on that. She will splash out for silly stuff then come to me to pay her debts, or help pay for her expensive car. It’s so hard to see her struggle though

OP posts:
serenaisaknobhead · 21/10/2022 17:26

Letting her struggle seems like the only way she will learn

rubyslippers · 21/10/2022 17:27

She’s been on holiday?!
if I were her friends I’d be very pissed off
she should absolutely pay them back
get rid of the pricey car for something cheaper

Chikapu · 21/10/2022 17:27

Let her struggle. She can sell her expensive car if things are really that bad. If her friends come knocking for money again tell them you aren't bailing her out this time.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 21/10/2022 17:28

If she's had a holiday and keeping a pricey car, then you are indeed enabling her and you need to stop.

Discovereads · 21/10/2022 17:31

Any SEN? If she is a vulnerable adult who cannot manage money due to ND or mental health, then you should probably get in touch with a social worker on how to manage her affairs for her.

FarmGirl78 · 21/10/2022 17:31

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:24

Well she just has got back off holiday! She has decided to go to uni so she’s spent her loan on that. She will splash out for silly stuff then come to me to pay her debts, or help pay for her expensive car. It’s so hard to see her struggle though

If she's choosing to go on holiday and drive an expensive car then she's not exactly struggling is she? Or she wouldn't be if she allocated her money differently. It might take her going onto a pain-in-the-ass pre-payment meter, or having her mobile cut off to realise that she is responsible for sorting herself out.

She's an adult. She needed bailing out once before, fair enough, but not again. Tough love. And don't feel guilty about it. Xx

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:33

one friend was VERY upset and posted the whole thing on social media tagging her which I’m not happy about as I thought they were good friends. But I do understand where frustration comes from

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 21/10/2022 17:38

Tell her that unless she agrees to scale down her expensive car and holiday habit that you have bailed her out for the last time.

If the bank of mum keeps funding her, nothing will change.

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 17:39

How is she vulnerable?

she is taking advantage of her friends, and you’re enabling it

despicable

Bigbadfish · 21/10/2022 17:40

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:33

one friend was VERY upset and posted the whole thing on social media tagging her which I’m not happy about as I thought they were good friends. But I do understand where frustration comes from

They probably were good friends until your daughter betrayed her. Considering how many people she has scammed it's a good thing she has now warned everyone.

IncompleteSenten · 21/10/2022 17:42

You aren't helping her by cleaning up her mess.

Luckydip1 · 21/10/2022 17:45

You are enabling her, sit her down and spell out that you will not be bailing her out again and put it in writing.

XenoBitch · 21/10/2022 17:46

Sorry, but you are absolutely enabling her. She wont sort herself out if you keep giving her hand outs.

I have a friend who is in a vey similar position with her DS. She is even paying his mortgage for him, and has done for years. He spends his own money on useless stuff, then will go begging for money for food.

pilates · 21/10/2022 17:47

How is your daughter vulnerable or are you making excuses for her?

Uni loan spent on holiday? Just 😮

Tell her you are not bailing her out anymore. The sad thing is her poor children will suffer.

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/10/2022 17:47

The best thing that you can do is to go with her to CAB for debt and benefits advice.

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:48

she has struggled a lot with depression, and being a single mum to two very young children she does it all

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/10/2022 17:49

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:33

one friend was VERY upset and posted the whole thing on social media tagging her which I’m not happy about as I thought they were good friends. But I do understand where frustration comes from

Your daughter has behaved despicably. You have no right to be angry at her friends.

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:51

I’m not angry at her friends, at all I understand why they came to me. She was upset at being publicly embarrassed. I know I am enabling her, I spoilt her growing up as I was a single mum and I felt guilty. Now I feel guilty I can’t fix her problems. I just feel publicly exposing her wasn’t the kindest move

OP posts:
Maverickess · 21/10/2022 17:52

Don't bail her out financially again, next time something like this happens - and it will - don't pay it off, but instead sit with her and work through what she owes to who and work out payment plans. Encourage her to deal with it.

If she struggles for food/fuel/things for the kids then buy those things, but don't pay the debts off.

I was similar in my early twenties, and I learned the hard way after my mum did this, it was bloody hard to face it but I had to, and she didn't abandon me and we never went hungry or cold (she would bring shopping or cooked meals but no cash).

I have really just about got straight now from it all, and I have savings now. Very, very modest but a little bit of something, and I've paid her every penny back. It was a hard lesson to learn but if she'd carried on bailing me out I would never have got what I have now and be in even more debt.

I get it from the parental side too because my DD is now an adult and I don't like to watch her struggle either. But honestly, it's probably the best thing you can do for her.

Discovereads · 21/10/2022 17:52

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This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

GoldenCupidon · 21/10/2022 17:57

You can't fix her problems because one of her problems is being a cheeky cow who thinks her friends (and mum) owe her free money to pay for her luxuries.

I know a mum like you as well, her daughter is now about 35 and still scavenging off her, her partners and anyone else who will let her. Friends dropped her for always taking but never returning. My friend is a single mum too and quite meek, her daughter exploits that.

Maybe her friends are depressed too, I would certainly be upset if I lent money to a trusted mate and she refused to return it but went off on hols instead.

You have to stop paying for her while at the same time directing her towards proper advice (online or e.g. Citizen's Advice) on budgeting and saving money. She can't afford her current house or car, so she needs to find more money (in a legitimate way, not by effectively stealing from friends) or change them, to start with.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2022 17:57

You ARE NOT helping her.

You need to make a declaration to your daughter and quickly. You will no longer bail her out. You will no longer pay off her friends. She needs to sell her expensive car. She needs to grow up right now or the consequences will be dire.

Justcallmebebes · 21/10/2022 17:57

I have a friend in your situation. Every week it's a financial drama, bailiffs calling, threatened with eviction or gas/electric being cut off but still drives a newish car, designer clothes and hols. My mate is retirement age and has had to go back to work full time, is paying majority of her wages to pay off debts and ccj's and is thoroughly miserable.

Problem is her DD has 2 young kids and my friend won't see them suffer so it carries on but I could throttle her sometimes but no answer or solution unfortunately. Oh and her DD threatens to withhold access to the GC's if she doesn't give her money