To think paying my daughters debts enables her

[Rowinandgowin]

recently my daughter had two friends come to me and tell me she had borrowed a substantial amount of money off them each, she started ignoring them and reached out to me to talk to her. This was a few months apart and I’m really disappointed. Another friend had mentioned they had lent her money and never got it back.

i feel really upset, my daughter is quite vulnerable, she doesn’t work, she had two kids very closely together, two under two. Her childrens father left her with a huge rent to pay and I have spent a lot of money on sorting her out each month as she can’t make ends meet. I would love to have her back home but I have no space. Now she is borrowing money off friends that I have had to pay back, I’ve spoken to her in tears as I fear she will end up even lonelier. I suppose I paid up to try to mend things but these friends want nothing to do with her. I feel so sad as she wouldn’t apologise to them and it’s like she is self sabotaging

I think she thinks she deserves a certain lifestyle.

This jumped out from your posts, OP. And it’s the reason why she just doesn’t ‘get’ this. The holidays, nails, hair, flash car are all about appearances and from what you say, she seems stuck in a very immature, instagram-style outlook.

Because of her age and the two children under two, I’m guessing she’s never worked? Who pays her rent? Does her ex pay maintenance?

Would she sit down with you and do a really honest review of her finances? Or go to Citizen’s Advice Bureau? If you can help her clear her debts and make a budget it could be a whole new start.

Without that, I can’t see her breaking the cycle of living behind her means, and isolating her much- needed friends in the process.

Wasn’t kind not giving back their money either.

I do babysit, I watch them when she needs. Her childrens auntie helps and the kids are with their dad at weekends.

So she doesn't in fact "do it all", as you said previously. You're enabling hour daughter far too much - hair, nails, fancy car and a holiday and she has the audacity to do the poor mouth and go to her friends for 400 quid to feed her kids. I would have outted her on social media too.

Taking money off people with no intention to pay it back isn't far off from stealing.

That is whst I call an un-kind move.

Also her decision to have two babies back to back with no means to provide isn't her friends responsibility. She knows how babies are made. If she isn't in a position to support herself and kids financially, should have thought better of it

Oh, and don’t give her any more money. If she says she is desperate and the children need shoes, and you want to help then buy the shoes. No more cash or ‘loans’. But equally, don’t let her use the children to emotionally blackmail you into being a regular source of income.

Borrowing money off friends and not paying the money back is very low to be honest and they clearly didn’t realise they wouldn’t get it back. You need to stop enabling her, she’s only spending money and going on holiday because you’re bailing her out every time.

Hang on - she spent her student loan on a holiday? And you are still enabling her?

Stop now. Your daughter needs to learn that her irresponsible actions have consequences no wonder she is losing friends, no-one will want to have anything to do with her if she carries on like this and if you keep funding her pretty soon you too will go down with her.

Well if she is reliant on universal credit she has been pretty daft to spend her loan as it will come of the amount of Universal credit she receives each month? What is she going to live on ? Or is she one of those fortunate ones who still gets tax credits and therefore student loans do not affect them in quite the same way ? Either way it seems pretty foolish to spend money intended to help her study on a holiday!

Fucking Hell, I went to Uni as a single parent aged 30 with 3DDs, I would never, ever have spent my loan on a holiday! It’s to cover living expenses until January, and, frankly, it barely covers it, even with the UC top up.

Has she informed UC that she’s a student now? Because they’ll dock £600 a month off her claim as that’s what the loan works out at per month.

Unless you want to be bailing her out her whole life I’d stop now. There’s someone in my extended family in their 50s and they’ve just had a parent in their 80s clear thousands of pounds worth of debt once again. They’ve been bailing them out since they were a teenager and it seems no-one has ever learned any lessons from this. It’s frustrating as a bystander seeing the cycle being repeated over the years. The parent is concerned for their adult child but if they’d left them to sort their own mess the first time it happened rather than continually enabling them, everyone would be in a much better position now.

If you're worried about the children not eating, bring food over from time to time. Or invite them all over and give her leftovers to take home. Young kids don't eat all that much anyway.

Just don't hand over any money.

And don't leave any lying around...

This. My Grandparents (80s) are still doing this for my Dad (60s) because he is a walking financial disaster, has just got divorced for the fourth ^time and is an absolute joke of an adult. They’re wealthy, and that’s the problem - my Dad will forever be shit with money because he knows Bank of Mum & Dad will bail him out, and he’s made no plans for retirement because he knows he can live comfortably of whatever he inherits, and I hope they give it all to the local dogs shelter tbh.

This is why people get annoyed by some on benefits: people like your daughter absolutely taking this piss. Not the ones that truly need that support and more because benefits are shit.

I got that she can’t work with two young children and she does it all alone, although she doesn’t does she? The children are with their dad at weekends and she has others also helping her out. So she could work minimal part time couldn’t she or does the depression stop that? ( but not holidays, nails and new cars, plus new relationships) if she’s truly depressed her financial situation/ friendships ending will drag her down.

Shes not vulnerable, She’s living the life of Riley while scamming people who are her friends and family of money, I bet she quits uni now or soon now she has had the loan already.

I’m sure sorry you’ve read some home truths but you need to let her stand on her own two feet and learn from her mistakes like the adult she is. You can be there as support but no money.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more debts to be discovered too!

This. Your daughter is utterly taking the piss. I feel sorry for her children.

@Rowinandgowin

Well my sister is 45 and is STILL like this because my parents basically pick up her financial fuck ups and hideous Brain waves causing debt.

My mum is so weak where she is concerned and treats her like a friggin toddler who stamps her feet so mum to the rescue.

It's constant.

My parents just paid a massive bill for her and then she rocks up with a new very very expensive item,I'm talking nearly £2000 and doesn't see the issue.

45 op she is. Just think how skint youl be with another 19 years of this crap

Being a parent is hard. You want to do everything to help them, however at times they have to grow up and help themselves.

Step back, she owes money and she can sort herself out.

How exactly is she vulnerable? Any SN? ND?

I just feel publicly exposing her wasn’t the kindest move

Maybe it isn't kind, but hopefully it has the effect of warning people not to lend money to her in future.

Publicly shaming a con artist is exactly whay I would do, I can perfectly understand her former friends' frustration.

I wouldn't pay her debts and I wouldn't give her money.
I would advise her to seek debt management and income maximisation advice from Citizens Advice or Step Change.
I'd keep an eye on her situation and if she was low on food or clothes for the children I'd buy those for her, but directly, no cash hand outs.

I meant to say that I agree with other posters on here, you make sure the kids are fed and warm, but please do not keep giving your daughter money. Give her things to help out, but sit her down and make her understand that she needs to live within her means and she also needs to work out how to pay back the money she has borrowed. If you keep bailing her out then you will be back here in 10, 20, 30 years with the same story - only it will be even worse by then.

She really needs a reality check.
The expensive car needs to be sold so she can pay the stuff the loan should have been used for.

She needs to get a job. Unlike lots of single parents she has lots of support. Sell her stuff. Learn how to do her own nails (not hard bajillion vids)

The only way for her to change is for her to hit rock bottom.

How will she save herself from eviction? Even with children if she is evicted due to arrears council have no responsibility due to her making herself homeless.

Im a lone parent with zero support. Due to various health conditions I am considered vulnerable. I’ve been in lots of debt and faced eviction. I did the only thing I could and pulled myself back up. What I didn’t do was scam people. If a mate did it to me I would be all over sm warning everyone to not lend them cash. It’s the only way scammers get shut down.

I assume she’s getting benefits. As she’s spent her student loan on a holiday, how is she expecting to pay rent and food? If she hasn’t notified the benefits agency of the loan, that’s benefit fraud and is literally a crime. If she has notified them, she will almost definitely be getting a significantly reduced amount.

I have a good job that means I’m not as worried about the cost of living increase as many people. I haven’t been on holiday in years and I drive a 7 year old car with no plans to change it any time soon (touch wood it stays running). I also don’t have expensive hair and nails. I’d like your daughter’s lifestyle but I can’t afford it so it doesn’t happen.

You need to stop bailing her out. She’s a user and I’m not surprised her friends are sick of her - that may well have been money they actually needed for food or rent but she manipulated and lied to them to convince them her need was greater. I cannot imagine she was truthful about what she needed the money for. If she’s lied to them, there is every chance she’s done the same to you.

We all know someone like your DD. She is an entitled brat, thinking the lifestyle she leads is one she deserves. Who else do you know that lives like she does (single mum essentially on benefits with a high rental value property, nice car, holiday, the nails, hair, clothes... on her income? The answer is no one.
I'd be surprised if there aren't credit and store cards maxed out too. Meanwhile, you're still excusing he awful behaviour. She isn't vulnerable and she doesn't do it all, you list the help she gets.
Those priceless bonds of friendship and your relationship are expendable at a price. She's demonstrated that already. I'm sure she'll be emotionally blackmailing you or withholding the grandchildren shortly, unless her new BF is ready to pick up where you end.
She is leading a life that she is stealing because she has zero intention of repaying any of it. How did she get to twenty six and think this is normal behaviour?

When my husband died in 2016 my son (then 22) constantly asked me for money, which I gave him. I stopped the day my daughter told me she was scared that when I died he'd start asking her.

I had a good chat with my son, explained that until my behaviour changed his behaviour wouldn't change, and I wasn't helping him learn to manage his money by bailing him out all the time. I said I would always lend him money when he needed it, but we'd have a written repayment programme that I'd expect him to honour.

I was never good with money at a similar age. My Dad used to say I had champagne tastes and a water purse. I got into so much debt my Mum took out a bank loan secretly to pay it all off, and I had to pay her back weekly, she used her Freemans catalogue customer card to record it all. It was a great day when I paid the last £100 off.

Good luck.