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Original poster

To think paying my daughters debts enables her

181 replies

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:21

recently my daughter had two friends come to me and tell me she had borrowed a substantial amount of money off them each, she started ignoring them and reached out to me to talk to her. This was a few months apart and I’m really disappointed. Another friend had mentioned they had lent her money and never got it back.

i feel really upset, my daughter is quite vulnerable, she doesn’t work, she had two kids very closely together, two under two. Her childrens father left her with a huge rent to pay and I have spent a lot of money on sorting her out each month as she can’t make ends meet. I would love to have her back home but I have no space. Now she is borrowing money off friends that I have had to pay back, I’ve spoken to her in tears as I fear she will end up even lonelier. I suppose I paid up to try to mend things but these friends want nothing to do with her. I feel so sad as she wouldn’t apologise to them and it’s like she is self sabotaging

OP posts:
mollymole999 · 21/10/2022 20:39

Hmm

orangeisthenewpuce · 21/10/2022 20:46

I was a single parent to two young children but didn't behave like your daughter. Stop enabling her, you know why she's behaving the way she is.

olympicsrock · 21/10/2022 21:02

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 18:52

She loves nails hair etc. I am only recently learning of the extent of these problems, she obviously cannot afford the life she is living but doesn’t want to change. I am seeing her tomorrow so I will have a talk with her, I do think it goes deeper than not paying people back and it’s a bit scary

This is a joke OP. We’d all like to have the money and time to have nails and hair done, holidays and a nice car. She cannot afford this lifestyle and is stealing from friends. I don’t blame them for not wanting anything to do with her any more.

she needs to pay them back, budget and only have what she can afford.

creamwitheverything · 21/10/2022 21:18

With all due respect OP you are just like my mother. Only when YOU stop making excuses for her will things change. She sounds like any normal person you could meet anywhere except she iis spiteful and disrespectful.My mother is in her 70s still working (her choice) but continually making excuses and coughing up huge wedges of cash to the waste of space who gives not one shiny shit for anyone but him and what he is entitled to ,my brother, Every time and I mean every time there is any stress or upset in that house its down to him.Her reply is poor little bugger it always happens to him doesnt it..all the ills of the world and so she dips in her purse coughs up and puts it back on its feet only for him to fuck up again and again...he is 46.I am so so beyond angry at the situation but funnily enough I am more than angry at her,the enabler. The one who constantly expects everyone to swallow the same old shite and sympathise with him,She has done this,You will do this if you do not break it.Your daughter like my brother deserves nothing,They should get off their arses,stop reproducing and get some dignity and a job and pay for themselves instead of holding their hands out.Yes it would be nice to have £400 jumpers it would but you are not entitled to them unless you are grafting to pay for them. What will your child teach her children? I am seething at your post,I had no need to reply but its exactly the same.What you will end up with is what my mother has ended up with..some waste of space middle aged pathetic loser of a person living in her back bedroom adding nothing to well frankly anything.You even said the friends were unkind naming in a post.See excuses...stop it.people see it for what it is a user being allowed to use and normal decent people will not stand for it and politely be quiet when they are wronged so someone can save face. She is a grown woman with children who puts her nails and hair ,car and holidays above any morals and standards what would you call that kind of person if it was a friend or neighbour.?..thats what you have. Up to you of course what you do and if you want to be like my mother and her son and that fucked up mess then you are on the right path. I would divert off there and leave her to fail.Hopefully she will learn fast.

Silverangels · 21/10/2022 21:20

Someone I know borrowed money from me (not the worlds biggest amount,but enough-swore she’d pay it back)

she told me she needed it for food for her kids at the time and I’ve been there,as a single mum with no support and I couldnt bear to see kids go hungry

she took the money and promptly fucked off on holiday-bragging about it on sm

she now runs away if she sees me in the street-I’ve written that money off now but she stole from me

she knew full well she wasn’t going to pay it back-so it’s theft-it’s no different to her going through my purse

my brother does the same thing as your dd

he’ll run up (drug) debts with people and my mother pays it back as she doesn’t want to see her favourite child hurt (he’s a nasty bastard who will turn on her,and she knows it)

he knows full well that all he has to do is go running to mummy,she pays up and back to his dealer he goes

if she refuses,he claims he’ll kill himself,she’s that scared he’ll carry it out she caves everytime

the best thing she could do is refuse and allow him to mop up his own mess for once

Thepossibility · 21/10/2022 21:43

She is not a vulnerable victim, she is a predator out there scamming people for money!
Stop enabling her. Why shouldn't people write about it on SM? It will protect her future victims.

Calandor · 21/10/2022 22:12

Tbh it's not your loan. My mum has learnt my sister thousands. If she hadn't helped with the money tbh I would have... even though it would've been my life's savings.

I'd pay these off then have a chat with DD saying you will not do so from here on. If it's for rent etc I really feel for her. Can you not get a sofa bed and let her live at home if she's struggling

Calandor · 21/10/2022 22:17

She also needs to learn to stop begging from people though as that's what she's doing. If she's at uni she shouldn't have an expensive car....

Calandor · 21/10/2022 22:29

And FYI my sister was the same. It was all on nails and hair and designer clothes she couldn't afford. Thankfully she only ever borrowed for family but I know how stressful it is. It's horrible. You want to help but then feel like why should you pay for her hair and nails when you don't even get that yourself!

My sister no longer does this and is very money savvy now. But she was 'cured' when she had her son. Sounds like your DD hasn't learned even having had kids.

I really feel for you OP. It's SO hard. I'm 27 and was lending my elder sister money from when I was 16 :/ if I added it up it would be well over a grand.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 21/10/2022 22:35

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:51

I’m not angry at her friends, at all I understand why they came to me. She was upset at being publicly embarrassed. I know I am enabling her, I spoilt her growing up as I was a single mum and I felt guilty. Now I feel guilty I can’t fix her problems. I just feel publicly exposing her wasn’t the kindest move

Maybe not, but the kindness her friends have shown her so far has not been repaid. Literally!

mogsrus · 21/10/2022 22:43

Bailing out her debts is offering an alcoholic a drink, be strong , as this attitude will continue until you can’t do it, & then you will be vilified

bonzaitree · 21/10/2022 22:48

It's only £250 and £150 she owes. Not a huge amount she realistically should be able to pay that back.

It's not like it's thousands.

I'd honestly just tell her you can't afford any more and let her get on with it. She might struggle but then she kind of needs to. If she complains to you about money offer to help her with a budget etc. don't give her another penny you're literally just digging a grave for yourself.

Only exception would be having her and kids over for meals. You could just say well I can't afford any money but you're always welcome for tea if you get stuck.

IvysMum12 · 21/10/2022 23:09

Does the children's father support his family?
If not, why not?

KinshipGran · 22/10/2022 00:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

knockyknees · 22/10/2022 00:41

Good on her (hopefully ex) friends exposing your daughter. All scam/con artists should be named and shamed to prevent other people being taken in by them.

None of her circumstances (depression, young children, single (but with lots of time off from her children by the sounds of it) justify her actions in any way, nor you bailing her out. Years ago my friend was unexpectedly widowed in her 20s and left with a very young child. I've no doubt she understandably suffered depression after this, but did she use it as an excuse to scam people? No. She went back to work, paid her bills (didn't waste it on nails or hair dos), and looked after her child.

I think most people know someone like your daughter. She's disgusting, and 99% of the time people like this always have a parent in the background enabling their vile behaviour.

EmmaH2022 · 22/10/2022 00:46

bonzaitree "It's only £250 and £150 she owes. Not a huge amount she realistically should be able to pay that back."

but she doesn't earn. She took that money knowing full well she wouldn't pay it back.

TeaPleaseNoLemon · 22/10/2022 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

bonzaitree · 22/10/2022 01:13

EmmaH2022 · 22/10/2022 00:46

bonzaitree "It's only £250 and £150 she owes. Not a huge amount she realistically should be able to pay that back."

but she doesn't earn. She took that money knowing full well she wouldn't pay it back.

It's a few shifts of a minimum wage job. She can earn it fairly easily if she really wanted to.

Min wage is £9.50.

8 hour shift on min wage of £9.50 is £76.

So in 6 8 hour shifts she could earn the money and pay it off. So a week and a day of normal work. In this job market I'm sure she could find something.

Not much really, which is why I'm saying it's not much money.

Maybe you could offer to babysit whilst she earns it back? That would offer help but not enable her running up debt.

pilates · 22/10/2022 05:47

Op, do you think there are drugs involved?

Talia99 · 22/10/2022 08:59

Just to say, I’ve picked ‘you are being unreasonable’ because of the excuses you are making for her and the way you are blaming her victims for not being ‘kind’ for telling people what she has done not because I think you should give her money

GucciBear · 22/10/2022 19:40

Why doesn't she find a cheaper house to rent? If you are subsidising housing, car and holidays you are certainly making her life much easier. What will happen when (a) you run out of money or (b) you die?

Murdoch1949 · 22/10/2022 20:14

You have done enough. You have to tell her that you can no longer financially support her. If she has an expensive car, holidays and beauty treatments she is taking the piss. You keep on enabling her she is going to get into massive debt, that YOU will feel obligated to erase. Draw a line.

CantFindMyMarbles · 22/10/2022 20:23

I’d sit her down for a frank conversation about where her money goes and what her bills are.

Jellywellyfish · 22/10/2022 20:24

It sounds like she’s taking advantage of you. When I was in my early 20s I flew the nest and got my own rented apartment and after a year ran up a credit card bill of £900. I rang my mum in tears and told her I was struggling. She paid it off for me no questions asked, and I never let myself get into that situation again. I had a crap car, got a second job on the weekend pulling pints and learnt from my mistakes. She should put her kids first, and that means getting rid of the expensive car, doing cheap weekend breaks away with the kids etc until she can stand on her own two feet. You wasted your money paying her debts with her friends because she’s too pig headed to apologise to them anyway.

MustWeDoThis · 22/10/2022 20:30

I work with vulnerable people - Your daughter is not vulnerable.

Your daughter is living a champagne lifestyle on a cider budget.

You've paid enough, it's time to stop. Offer to have the children so she can work, or help find a minder and sign up for UC so they can pay 80% of the minding fees.

Do things which will enable her progression and work ethic, not her mounting debt.

Sit her down, call up Step-Change (Free debt help charity who will take an affordable lump sum each month and pay her debtors out of it.)

She wants what everyone else has without earning it.