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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think paying my daughters debts enables her

181 replies

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 17:21

recently my daughter had two friends come to me and tell me she had borrowed a substantial amount of money off them each, she started ignoring them and reached out to me to talk to her. This was a few months apart and I’m really disappointed. Another friend had mentioned they had lent her money and never got it back.

i feel really upset, my daughter is quite vulnerable, she doesn’t work, she had two kids very closely together, two under two. Her childrens father left her with a huge rent to pay and I have spent a lot of money on sorting her out each month as she can’t make ends meet. I would love to have her back home but I have no space. Now she is borrowing money off friends that I have had to pay back, I’ve spoken to her in tears as I fear she will end up even lonelier. I suppose I paid up to try to mend things but these friends want nothing to do with her. I feel so sad as she wouldn’t apologise to them and it’s like she is self sabotaging

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 21/10/2022 18:30

I thought by ‘vulnerable’ you meant she was ND or had learning difficulties. She just sounds like an awful person.

Bigbadfish · 21/10/2022 18:32

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 21/10/2022 18:13

Bigbadfish..all ops friends will know,there was /is no need for publicity shaming

I disagree. Who knows where she would've turned next. And as others said people name and shame scammers all the time.

whereisthejasmine · 21/10/2022 18:32

Yes you're enabling her and you know you need to stop. Tell her that things the end, and she has to manage her own finances. How else will she learn if you constantly cover her financial bad behaviour.

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 18:34

I couldn’t even say how much she owes me

her friends she owed £250 and £150 respectively

OP posts:
Schnooze · 21/10/2022 18:35

Yes you are enabling her unfortunately. Why should she change when you’ll sort it for her.

Finerthings · 21/10/2022 18:35

Exposing her publicly was less unkind than stealing.

I think it's good you paid her friends back. She wouldn't learn the lesson any better if you'd refused. Being a decent human being is not a character flaw.

You could still push her to pay you back, though it may not be realistic. Whether the matter is considered settled and her debt written off is now up to you.

Bigbadfish · 21/10/2022 18:35

Also let ehr go hungry. If the kids go hungry you take them and call social services. You can help them without her.

Gunner1510 · 21/10/2022 18:36

@Rowinandgowin Do you know exactly what she told her friends when she asked for money, what she said she would spend it on, and then what she actually spent it on? If it’s holidays I can see why they would be upset, she’s lied and betrayed their trust.

If she thinks she’s entitled to holidays and a new car… without sounding perhaps she should get a job and pay for it… that’s what most people do when they have these luxuries. These are wants not needs and she isn’t entitled to other people providing these things for her. I’m sorry you are going through this and it must be hard when you have two young grandchildren as well but you are enabling her and enabling her attitude too.

Gunner1510 · 21/10/2022 18:37
  • without sounding harsh that last post should say!
Wolfiefan · 21/10/2022 18:38

She isn’t struggling though. She’s just spending money on car and holiday and then borrowing to actually pay bills etc. she’s being a major piss taker and you’re doing her no favours bailing her out.

XenoBitch · 21/10/2022 18:39

What happens when you can not afford to bail her out? Financial ruin can be one car accident or illness away.

You said she struggles with depression. If you baulk at giving her money, does she bring it up? Says you are making her ill etc.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 21/10/2022 18:40

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 18:00

The problem is she’s very stubborn, and I think she thinks she deserves a certain lifestyle. Obviously it’s not a possibility right now but her and the kids I would never see them go hungry or without. It’s all the other stuff she seems to be borrowing for. I have sat down and cried to her and she just angry at her friends for coming to me, rather than looking at what her actions have caused.

Thank you everyone for your words of caution though as I do not want to be doing this for years to come. Very very hard to watch your child struggle

She’s not struggling though is she she’s not living within her means . A lot of people work very hard and still can’t afford a holiday and a expensive car.
yes she’s single parent and not working and yes I sympathise but if it was she can’t afford to eat I’d sympathise but ffs a holiday / car .
she’s entitled and you my love are enabling her . You want to help her give her a reality check say no and let her manage .
hasn’t it dawned on you she has the holidays and expensive car because the bank of mum will sort her out .
no sympathy if you keep bailing her out .

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 18:42

her friend told me it was for dinners, her needing a food shop. At the time I had just paid for a particularly large bill of hers £800 so she couldn’t come to me and ask. I think it’s the lies more than anything, her friend has been asking for the money back for 5 months before she exposed her, she said she had ignored her and lied to her

OP posts:
PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 21/10/2022 18:43

She's a scammer and a thief who is willing to steal from her friends. Why are you making excuses for her? If you enable this she will just do it again and again

Myunclesmustache · 21/10/2022 18:43

You don't say how old your DD is OP.

However, you still need to have a serious talk with her.

Her Student Loan, which she blew on a holiday, was paid for out of taxpayers' money - that's your, mine and that of a lot of other people reading this thread. It's intended to help people better themselves and I suspect that misuse of same is fraud and has consequences.
It's an outrageous way to behave in the present economic climate.

You need to stop bailing her out -now.

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 18:45

She is 26. Old enough to know better. Thank you everyone for giving me a reality check. I feel like she does maybe manipulate me, I love her very much and want to get through to her, she just needs to get back on her feet again.

OP posts:
Gunner1510 · 21/10/2022 18:46

Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 18:42

her friend told me it was for dinners, her needing a food shop. At the time I had just paid for a particularly large bill of hers £800 so she couldn’t come to me and ask. I think it’s the lies more than anything, her friend has been asking for the money back for 5 months before she exposed her, she said she had ignored her and lied to her

That’s an awful way to treat friends and I can see why they are so upset. Do you think she might be spending on things you aren’t aware of that are outside her means, designer clothing/nails/hair etc? Do you know if she is in debt and if so what that debt looks like?
Is she quite materialistic? If so I imagine it’ll be difficult to get her to change unless you cut her off with bailing her out all the time

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 21/10/2022 18:47

Look, she's got big problems.
I find it hard to imagine she's just suddenly turned out like this.
She's out of control and needs steadying properly.
She needs help.

RonSwansonsChair · 21/10/2022 18:47

Exposing her on SM sounds like it was a last resort of her friend. You really need to stop bailing her out, she needs to accept responsibility for her own finances.
• Lots of people have 2 young children
• Lots of people are single parents
• Lots of people want a certain high level of lifestyle
But they don't steal from their friends. You need to have a serious conversation with her, she needs to grow up!

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 21/10/2022 18:51

26 ,two children and dumped?
She's extremely young alhough others will argue differently on here.

She needs support and proper budgeting help.

However she doesn't seem to listen to you op.
Is there any other family members she will talk too or listen too?
Have you ever given her targets to meet? Goals...
Eg I will help you until X but then I will taper off my support or can you actually order her food shop and pay for it?
On your own account? But not give other money?

The friends said the money was for dinners?

Does that mean meals out?

Is she sociable?

Does she get to go out?

skyeisthelimit · 21/10/2022 18:51

OP, you do need to stop enabling her. She cannot afford the lifestyle that she wants and she needs to accept that or do something about it. Going to Uni to learn a skill would be a good start.

If you want to help her, then pay for a Tesco shop every week so that they don't starve and then leave it at that, no more help. She is never going to prioritise bills over holidays while others keep bailing her out.

It's time to ignore the sob stories and give her some tough love.

I know a parent who re-mortgaged their home to stop their DC going bankrupt (£40K) and the DC just built the same debt up all over again and went bankrupt that time. The parent was left with the mortgage to pay as the loan to their DC had to be written off within the bankruptcy creditors.

So the DC didn't learn anything and the parent was left in debt. It was a hard lesson to learn.

ForeverFailing · 21/10/2022 18:51

Please stop bailing her out. Yes you love her and it’s awful to watch her struggle but she needs to learn a hard life lesson. The quicker you stop the quicker she will understand that she can’t have everything she wants. Feed the kids, take meals round but stop giving her cash and stop paying off her debts. Research support available and the next time she asks. give her the details of services that can help

Original poster
Rowinandgowin · 21/10/2022 18:52

She loves nails hair etc. I am only recently learning of the extent of these problems, she obviously cannot afford the life she is living but doesn’t want to change. I am seeing her tomorrow so I will have a talk with her, I do think it goes deeper than not paying people back and it’s a bit scary

OP posts:
Applesandcarrots · 21/10/2022 18:53

Good you are starting to see it.

She isn't vulnerable, you need to get that out of your head. She is manipulatorand yy to public shaming. It's deserved

Fundays12 · 21/10/2022 18:54

You are enabling her lifestyle choices. She can't afford holidays etc. If you continue to enable her she will never learn to take responsibility for her own behaviour. If she loses her friends so be it. They are adults and made the choice to lend to her too.

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