To think paying my daughters debts enables her

[Rowinandgowin]

recently my daughter had two friends come to me and tell me she had borrowed a substantial amount of money off them each, she started ignoring them and reached out to me to talk to her. This was a few months apart and I’m really disappointed. Another friend had mentioned they had lent her money and never got it back.

i feel really upset, my daughter is quite vulnerable, she doesn’t work, she had two kids very closely together, two under two. Her childrens father left her with a huge rent to pay and I have spent a lot of money on sorting her out each month as she can’t make ends meet. I would love to have her back home but I have no space. Now she is borrowing money off friends that I have had to pay back, I’ve spoken to her in tears as I fear she will end up even lonelier. I suppose I paid up to try to mend things but these friends want nothing to do with her. I feel so sad as she wouldn’t apologise to them and it’s like she is self sabotaging

Can you help her to move into a cheaper rental?

And then keep any supports focused on practicalities for her and the kids - groceries, clothes etc so that she can't waste it, and let her know there's no more cash coming, either directly to her to her friends.

And talk to her about contraception- if she's vulnerable she could attract dead beat men and more kids won't help.

Sorry but don't have a lot of sympathy. I was brought up with boundaries by my parents, and my own children have grown up with the same. I'd go mad if they spent a loan for Uni on a holiday, (and that's without having kids to provide for) and who needs an expensive car when they aren't working-a cheaper one should do? The kindest thing you can give her are tighter boundaries.

A hard lesson - yes - but she is the one who has to learn from this:

Use this opportunity to reiterate that its time to turn things around and not rely on loans from other people but live within her means.

Send her to the frugal threads on here, immensely helpful to open her eyes as to how others are also dealing with tight budgets.

Hard for you to step back Mum, but better sooner than later she learns this lesson before further debt is racked up.

The problem is she’s very stubborn, and I think she thinks she deserves a certain lifestyle. Obviously it’s not a possibility right now but her and the kids I would never see them go hungry or without. It’s all the other stuff she seems to be borrowing for. I have sat down and cried to her and she just angry at her friends for coming to me, rather than looking at what her actions have caused.

Thank you everyone for your words of caution though as I do not want to be doing this for years to come. Very very hard to watch your child struggle

I would be very firm that bank of mum has now closed and she needs to grow up and prioritise as everyone else does. Offer to help her budget etc so she knows you will help financially but that is what the help will be now. No more money

People expose things like cowboy builders and scammers all the time.
I would imagine your DD's friends felt desperate enough to expose your DD and also approach you.
The one in the wrong here is your DD, not her friends. Mentioning her publicly can also warn other people not to lend her money.

But what she did to her friends, borrowing off them and not paying it back, was incredibly unkind. They were kind to her and lent her the money and obviously believed her promises, but now they see she has been on holiday, has an expensive car etc. They may well be really struggling to pay their bills.

So not vulnerable then

You're enabling her and seeing her as the victim. Time to cut the ties, or she'll never be independent

How old is she OP?

Gosh what an awful situation.

It must be awful for her and she's trying to spend her way out of it but obviously this is going to cause a lot more pain.

It's strange she has gone to friends and they lent her money! How old is she?
How much did she borrow?

When you talk,she isn't listening.

Yes it was. Your daughter is not the victim. She is the perpetrator. It was a kindness to her future victims. She should be publicly shamed.

You must be very ashamed of her. An expensive car, spending her uni loan on a holiday, fleecing her friends and getting angry at them for needing it back?! Manipulating her own mum for money?

Absolutely she deserved to be called out. I don’t know what to advise other than stop bailing her out, tell her to make changes the next time she inevitably asks for money, and stay firm.

How old is your DD OP?

Bigbadfish..all ops friends will know,there was /is no need for publicity shaming

Sorry, but she sounds very manipulative

"Obviously it’s not a possibility right now but her and the kids I would never see them go hungry or without."

That and the fact that you "cried to her" as if she is the one in charge here. She knows you will come to her rescue. If you didn't have any spare money how would she be coping right now?

She is putting herself in this situation. She isn't doing this because she's depressed - literally millions of people are depressed and it doesn't cause stealing. She's either got something else clinically wrong with her or - sorry but she's a fuckwit.

Exposing her on social media isn’t kind. Stealing is much much worse. “Borrowing” money you don’t intend to pay back because you value stuff over friendships is extremely shitty behaviour. It’s not their fault she’s living beyond her means and her bloke left her. Was she using his money to fund holidays and cars instead of food? Maybe he finally had enough of it.

She’s not going to change while she doesn’t have to. Why are you worrying about her kids eating when she isn’t? She needs to grow up and you need to make her stand on her own two feet. She’s an adult and a parent, she needs to learn to prioritise essentials over luxuries.

I disagree with this - how is everyone supposed to know? I hate this kind of public shaming behaviour usually, but I can see why someone would want to warn others of behaviour. I have seen and sympathised with similar about a man who had victimised a friend.

OP - I’m so sorry you have this problem. I think you have to stop paying for her. Keep supporting her (emotionally rather than financially) and helping her budget and asking her to see gp for her depression - and seeing her kids and making sure they are fed. It is v hard, but unfortunately she has to learn to live within her means.

If she's spend her education loan money on a holiday and silly stuff, the stop bailing her out. You cannot give her any more money or this will never stop.

You shouldn't have paid her friends back; that was her debt, not yours. And them chasing her for it might have helped wake her up faster, too.

Your daughter stealing money from her friends wasn’t the ‘kindest move’, either. I don’t blame the friend at all for publicly shaming her. I would do the same.

Stop paying her debts.

Feed her children, maybe offer to care for them if you want to, while she is studying, but don't pay her debts or her rent. Don't give her any money. You are enabling her foolishness.

Isn't she getting housing benefits etc? Why are you paying towards rent and bills?

How much does she owe them and you?