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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

301 replies

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:43

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 20/10/2022 22:44

Air tag

ofwarren · 20/10/2022 22:45

Yeah that's weird
I'd want to know too
YANBU

ItsNotReallyChaos · 20/10/2022 22:47

I'd find it odd. People who've looked after DD for me have had free rein to do what they want but to be honest I'd be suspicious if they didn't tell me where they'd been afterwards.

People know I see softplay as a germ pit so that's the sort of place people might think it would be fun to take DD and only tell me about it afterwards.

I wonder if they're taking your DS to the pub or something!?

NoSki · 20/10/2022 22:48

Very wierd. Your his parent and say you need to know where he is in case something happens to anyone or they don’t take him. Thats beyond bizarre

PaintByLetters · 20/10/2022 22:49

I would expect "we're off to the duck park and then maybe we'll get some lunch".
I wouldn't expect a text telling me where they were getting lunch - that does feel like overkill.

lannistunut · 20/10/2022 22:49

It is weird not to tell you, it is harder conversationally not to tell you!

Original poster
StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:50

Last time they had him they took him to a tapas restaurant that definitely wouldn't have been a 3 year old type of place. They didn't tell us they were doing this until afterwards.

There have been various occasions where they haven't said what they're doing and I just don't like it.

OP posts:
meateatingveggie · 20/10/2022 22:50

Grandma here.. yanbu. I'd feel uncomfortable having my grandchildren anywhere if their parents didn't know about it.

Original poster
StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:51

PaintByLetters · 20/10/2022 22:49

I would expect "we're off to the duck park and then maybe we'll get some lunch".
I wouldn't expect a text telling me where they were getting lunch - that does feel like overkill.

@PaintByLetters yeh, I agree, that would be fine too

OP posts:
Winterfellismyhome · 20/10/2022 22:53

I would absolutely hate this. I would say "tell me where you are taking him, or dont take him" i dont care if it makes me look controlling

Original poster
StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:53

They want to take ds out next week and I'm already stressing about it as they haven't said anything else about where. I will be asking and just keeping fingers crossed that they'll tell me.

OP posts:
DoodlePug · 20/10/2022 22:54

A general idea is not unreasonable at all.

However your comment on the tapas above does make me wonder, if they'd told you they were taking him there what would you have said?

I agree it's not really somewhere you'd take a 3 yo but also he'll come to no harm whatsoever. If you'd have said they shouldn't take him then you probably have your answer about why they don't tell you.

wheretoyougonow · 20/10/2022 22:54

That's very odd. I think I would just ask them outright and stand there with an awkward silence until I got a reply. How do you know what to send with him if you don't know where he is going?!

redbigbananafeet · 20/10/2022 22:55

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:53

They want to take ds out next week and I'm already stressing about it as they haven't said anything else about where. I will be asking and just keeping fingers crossed that they'll tell me.

No not 'fingers crossed they'll tell me'. Ask them beforehand where they are taking him. If they dont tell you, don't let them take him. He's your child.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2022 22:56

They won't tell you when you ask directly? Is this really true? Surely not.

Anyone who refused to tell me where they are taking my child wouldn't be spending any time alone with them. That includes grandparents. Totally unacceptable.

Original poster
StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:57

DoodlePug · 20/10/2022 22:54

A general idea is not unreasonable at all.

However your comment on the tapas above does make me wonder, if they'd told you they were taking him there what would you have said?

I agree it's not really somewhere you'd take a 3 yo but also he'll come to no harm whatsoever. If you'd have said they shouldn't take him then you probably have your answer about why they don't tell you.

@DoodlePug Tbh I wasn't worried about the restaurant and I didn't question why they took him there. I just thought it was strange but kept my options to myself.

But I suppose it shows that they can make odd decisions about where they go. That, plus the secrecy, just stresses me out a bit.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 20/10/2022 22:58

When we had childfree time, we just got on with our plans and learned all about what they'd been up to with grandparents when we picked them up. But we trusted grandparents to look out for their welfare so maybe that's different.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 20/10/2022 22:59

Please air tag him and report back. Also stand up for yourself. He is your child.

Hobbitfeet32 · 20/10/2022 23:00

Why would the tapas place not have been suitable for a 3 year old?

notdaddycool · 20/10/2022 23:03

Is want a general idea where my kids were going. Might change a bit, but that’s fine.

Beamur · 20/10/2022 23:05

declutteringmymind · 20/10/2022 22:44

Air tag

My first thought too!

CaronPoivre · 20/10/2022 23:06

I’d have thought a three year might really enjoy a tapas restaurant.

Nightynightnight · 20/10/2022 23:09

What does your child's dad say? Does he find this odd?

wheretoyougonow · 20/10/2022 23:11

Sorry to comment again but... It is REALLY important that your child is taught from the start that there are NO secrets from you EVER. If your family can't be transparent then he doesn't go. It's not normal to be secretive and you don't need to be polite about it.

ordinarilyordinary · 20/10/2022 23:14

I would get an air tag as well.
Are your inlaws religious and you aren't? Could they be taking him to church maybe? ( I think I read that years ago in a previous thread very similar to this one, snd that's where the child ended up)
Or are there any other similar activities that perhaps you would approve of that they might be into?