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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

301 replies

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:43

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 21/10/2022 00:07

@Lonlov 🤣🤣 yep I get you! ‘You’ll never guess who we saw at the zoo? Brenda! You know Brenda, with the dog? The dog with the leg thing? You know Brenda! She was with her grandson! I said Brenda we will have to take them out together one day! She was getting lunch at that new cafe but I said Brenda, it’s expensive there!’

this is my mum 🤣🤣🤣

Lonlov · 21/10/2022 00:48

Blueeyedgirl21 · 21/10/2022 00:07

@Lonlov 🤣🤣 yep I get you! ‘You’ll never guess who we saw at the zoo? Brenda! You know Brenda, with the dog? The dog with the leg thing? You know Brenda! She was with her grandson! I said Brenda we will have to take them out together one day! She was getting lunch at that new cafe but I said Brenda, it’s expensive there!’

this is my mum 🤣🤣🤣

Is your Mum, my Mum? 😂are you a secret sister I don't know about??!! 😂

ChellyT · 21/10/2022 01:09

declutteringmymind · 20/10/2022 22:44

Air tag

Absolutely this! Simple and non evasive (kind of).

He is your child and you deserve to know when, where, who else with, why, what everything. Yes it's lovely they take him every so often and you still need to know.

I am a GM of two I take them on day trips, interstate, anywhere I wish and the longest has been for 1 week holiday together BUT I ask their parents (my children) and make sure they are part of our trips via pics on messenger, phone calls and full tell all when we get home

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/10/2022 01:12

What's wrong with a tapas restaurant?

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/10/2022 01:32

I'd definitely want a vague idea of what they're planning to do/where they're going. If they changed their mind while they were out, no big deal, but I wouldn't expect them to deliberately withhold the information from me.

Imagine if the school said your DC were going on a school day trip, but they weren't prepared to tell you where they were going. No parent would be OK with that! And that's despite the fact that schools and teachers are entirely responsible and look after the DC very well. You'd still expect to know where your child is being taken, despite trusting the school with their well-being. I think it's the same principle - it's not a reflection of a lack of trust.

Worst case scenario - huge bomb goes off in the train station in the city centre. You can't reach the grandparents by phone. Are they just having fun at a park which is miles away from the explosion or were they planning a trip by train and caught up in the blast? Horrible scenarios like that are thankfully the exception but it's always useful to know the general vicinity of where your child is likely to be, just in case something happens. it's just for peace of mind. And why wouldn't you tell the parent of your grandchild where you were planning on going?! Unless you had something to hide - or it's a power struggle.

mackthepony · 21/10/2022 01:33

Er, yes I'd want to know where they are going?

changingforthebetter3 · 21/10/2022 01:39

My mil used to do this too, when I asked all I got was 'so you don't trust me?' It was weird, that was just one of many issues tho.

Ottersmith · 21/10/2022 01:43

It's really strange that they won't tell you and you are being a pushover. This is your son of course you should know where he is going. Like others have asked, do they say 'we're not telling you.' how do they get away with it?

Poppins2016 · 21/10/2022 01:59

I'd take my three year old to a tapas restaurant... in fact, we're planning to go to one with family in a couple of weeks time. They don't do "children's food" but he'll have "picky bits" from whatever we have on his own plate and so will his baby brother. Hadn't crossed my mind to think it odd or unsuitable. Just thought I'd post to add a different perspective to the balance!

...on the more general theme, I can't decide whether I think you've got a point or not. If my parents take my children out, I wouldn't expect regular updates about what they're doing during the day (sometimes they message or send a picture, sometimes they don't), but they will tell me what they got up to when they see me in person. They don't always have anything in mind when they plan to take the children out and/or sometimes their plans will change on the day.

I think it's interesting that you said "posters will likely say I'm controlling". To be honest, the vibe I got when reading your post was that you sounded controlling, albeit from a place of concern/protectiveness. I'm wondering whether your in laws have picked up on this and are pushing back because they feel as though you don't trust them. I may be way off the mark, but it was the first thought I had upon reading your opening post.

How does your DH feel about it? And how does the situation compare to when other people (your own parents, for example) are looking after your DS?
I guess it comes down to trust. Either you decide to move forward and trust that your son is loved and safe, or you decide that you're not comfortable and you need to know plans in advance/updates during the day or they can't spend time with them... but be aware that this approach may hurt feelings and damage relationships. That might well be justified (there's nothing wrong with maintaining boundaries as a mother if it's necessary and that may involve hurting feelings as a matter of course), but I think it might be worth reflecting on how much of this is coming from you being (perhaps over?) protective vs objectively justified in feeling how you do.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/10/2022 03:35

Can you ask casually, as in 'have you made any plans?' or say ask because 'He's been a bit clingy lately, just in case you need me to collect him'. Failing that - first suggestion of an Air Tag in his jacket

CJsGoldfish · 21/10/2022 04:18

Are you saying that they refuse to tell you when you ask where they are going?

Do they tell you afterwards what they've done? I assume so going by the 'tapas' comment. If they flat out refuse to answer your question, I'd be unimpressed.

I'd only ever ask in a general "so where are you off to today" way, not really caring if they said "not sure yet" or similar. I trust my childrens grandparents and don't feel the need to grill them. Is it possible that you are a little controlling and they are fearful of you reacting in a certain way. "Tapas? No, terrible idea, I'd rather you didn't" Do you like to micromanage them/your child?

I guess that it is easy to frame it as "they refuse to tell me where they are going" but is that completely accurate is what I'm wondering 🤷‍♀️

PotatoRabbit · 21/10/2022 04:20

I have a feeling because they've been so secretive, they're likely to give you a fake location just to get you off their backs. I'd open the lining seam and sew the airtag inside the lining of his jacket/bag. Secure it with tape or a fabric square in a spot that isn't obvious when the grandparents pick him up or change his clothes then close the seam. If have an android there are apps that detect airtags you can find in the store app.

It's stupid of them to stress you out unnecessarily. Don't let them make you feel weird about wanting to know where your child is. Knowing where your child is, is one of the basics of being a good parent.

mycatisannoying · 21/10/2022 04:22

I'd be interested to hear their side. Is it that whenever they've told you where they're going - in the past - you've tried to put them off the idea?

asdadult · 21/10/2022 04:25

Either you trust them or you don't.

I don't understand what's wrong with taking him to a tapas restaurant.

Do they tell you when you ask them what they did? Maybe they don't know yet?

AirTag to me seems a bit ott and likely to come across alll wrong.

But. At the end of the day, if you're not comfortable then get your DH on side and tell them they can't see DS on his own anymore and there will be no more days out.

CJsGoldfish · 21/10/2022 04:36

AirTag to me seems a bit ott and likely to come across alll wrong
Airtagging your kid so you can track where the grandparents take him is next level crazy. Makes me laugh every time someone suggests it.
Perhaps if you can't get your hands on an Air Tag OP, you can don a disguise, buy a giant newspaper and follow them 🙄

aloris · 21/10/2022 05:02

He's your child. You have every right to know where they are taking him. I would suggest you tell them, "Sorry, but I've thought about it and decided you can only take him out if you'll let me know where you are going. I don't need a detailed itinerary, duck pond and lunch somewhere in town is fine. But if you can't respect my right to oversight of his activities then I can't allow you to take him. Thanks for understanding."

If they were the kind of people who would tell you where they were going, you would eventually get a feel for their habits and you would be more comfortable. You'd know, he's probably at the duck pond, or, I bet they took him to Aunt Maureen's house. You wouldn't need a play-by-play. But given they are secretive, that would make me very uncomfortable. It just shows a lack of respect for you as a mum and an inversion of the correct order of authority. I would be worried what else they would think they have the right to do without your say-so. And it's making you uncomfortable.

Bobby80 · 21/10/2022 05:15

When you ask them where they are going to the avoid the question of do they just not have firm plans?

I don’t think there anything wrong with a “we’re going to a park then to get food”.

That’s very different from actually not telling you or withholding information when they get back.

If it’s the former I think you are being unreasonable and sound very grateful for your child free day.

if they don’t tell what they’ve done once they’re back then you’re not unreasonable.

Either way- I think your comment about tapas is odd. In what way is that not suitable?

Cuppasoupmonster · 21/10/2022 05:21

Sounds like a power trip to me. I would ask, ‘Have a lovely time! Where are you off to today?’

Yawningalldaylong · 21/10/2022 05:29

If I was taking out someone's child, even now when they are older, I usually take a photo of them doing the activity or just showing them having fun and send it to the parent so they can see where we are and that there child is happy. I just the parent to relax. It seems they are not thinking of you but themselves.

Cormoran · 21/10/2022 05:32

I find it cool that they take him to places you wouldn't consider such as the tapas restaurant. Maybe they don't tell you ahead because they know you would object?

Goatsanddogs · 21/10/2022 05:34

I am a grandma and look after my granddaughter 4 days a week. I always tell my daughter where I am going with her daughter, I wouldn’t dream of going somewhere without her being happy about it. Sometimes plans change because of weather/sleep pattern and I then send a text so daughter is aware of where we are.
It is a huge trust allowing us to look after their most precious child and I totally respect the need for reassurance.

PinkSyCo · 21/10/2022 05:46

From reading your first post I thought YABU, but then when I read on and see that you got judgemental about them taking your DS to a tapas restaurant I’m not so sure. Personally I’d be grateful that my kids grandparents were offering different experiences to my child. Saying that, if you don’t trust them really want to know where your DS is being taken before hand then you are well within your rights to demand they tell you.

IkeaRugsAreNice · 21/10/2022 05:49

My child wouldn’t be going anywhere I didn’t know about, how can you plan clothes, coats etc. What if they had an accident.
just no really, from me.

Ibouncetothebeat · 21/10/2022 06:00

Not sure why tapas is not a place for lunch with a three year old. I love a nice discounted lunch menu at my favourite restaurants and prefer the daytime atmosphere when I’m with my DC.
Surely this just is just casual conversation “Oh, what special plans do you all have today?” And when they return “Oh what did you get up to, can I see the pictures? Oh, what a lovely time, he’s having soo much fun!” I think it would only be an issue if they didn’t tell. It doesn’t sound like they are being secretive, they haven’t refused to give you information.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/10/2022 06:03

You’re not answering the question about whether you’ve actually asked them. Why are you crossing your fingers they tell you? Why not actually ask them what they’re planning?

also, tapas is a brilliant restaurant for a 3 year old. Lots of bits to try, lots of good food. Why on earth would that be unsuitable?