Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

[StrangeEffect]

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

And how would an AirTag help with these issues?

If he's ok to go to a park and run around, why no a zoo? Send a buggy if you're worried about him getting tired and reins if you think he will run away?

Still don't know what's wrong with a tapas place for lunch

Well for me, I liked to know where my baby was. In case there was an accident, or one of them was taken ill or fell over. But mainly it’s common courtesy, if I’m going out I’d say to my husband “I’m heading to the shops” not “I’m going out but not telling you where” because honestly it’s weird to be secretive like that.

I think it’s weird that they don’t tell you in normal conversation. However I suspect that you get quite fussy if they do tell you. So may just be trying to avoid the list of instructions:

• make sure he wears his coat
• Don’t let him get tired
• hold his hand in case he runs off
• dont forget he needs lunch at 12

You’ve already said that if they take him to the zoo, you’ll be concerned that it’s busy & half-term. Also if they’d said they were going for tapas, I bet you’d have made a comment about being unsure if DS would like it.

So ask them directly where they are going, if they are evasive you could say ‘That’s unlike you not to have a plan?’ BUT when they do tell you where they are going all you say is ‘Sounds lovely/exciting, I’m sure he’ll have fun!’ and NO INSTRUCTIONS or negative comments.

For what it’s worth nobody ever wanted to take mine out alone when she was 3, but I’d probably have been a lot worse than you!

I would want to know, yanbu at all.

I look after my baby niece and while I don't always say at drop off what we're doing (because it's hectic and I sometimes don't know) I send my sister a text with a pic of baby and some details of what she's up to.

I don't want my sister worrying about where her baby is, even though she trust me.

My childminder used to do the same for me and I loved it.

It depends the extent of what you mean - I'd expect them to mention the broad plan for the day when they pick him up and say what they did when they bring him back, but I wouldn't expect them to update you on everywhere they're going in live time. It's okay if they spontaneously decide to get lunch out and only tell you where they ate when they return.

We take our toddler to proper restaurants all the time, so I find your tapas restaurant thinking a bit bizarre. If you don't like taking him to restaurants, I think it's great that they did so that he can experience new things. It's very normal to take young children to 'adult centred' places. Children only think these places are boring when they're used to adults revolving their lives around them and only going to child focused places.

Sounds like you're quite anxious generally and a bit choosy about where your child does and doesn't go? Maybe they just want to enjoy their time with him and know you'll have a strong opinion about where they go, so don't want that to ruin their day when what they're doing is harmless.

They sound like really involved grandparents who give you a break and take him on thoughtful days out!

What's wrong with a tapas restaurant for a three year old??? I'm guessing that's why they don't tell you, you have preconceived ideas about what a 3 year old should do, eat etc.

We took our kids to restaurants we wanted to eat in, never once did they have an issue with my children, in fact one of dd1's first proper meals (rather than puréed food) was buttered tortilla and beans prepared by our local Mexican restaurant, they brought it (no charge) for her at about 8 months old and the owners said it's what his wife cooked for their kids when young.

They sound like loving grandparents

Honestly, I was totally on your side until you described your reaction to the tapas place @StrangeEffect. I think it’s strange to think a tapas place is strange! Why wouldn’t a 3 year old enjoy it? And if your child is a picky eater, aren’t you grateful that the GPs are giving them a chance to try nice new food?

I just wouldn't let them take him. I will never leave my children with anyone who I can't trust or don't have very open and honest communication with. Anyone who isn't open to hearing my opinion or requests about my own child, whether they agree or disagree, isn't having my children. Anyone who thinks they get to keep secrets from me about my children, however trivial they think it is, isn't having my children. Those are hard no’s.

It isn’t unreasonable to want to know where your 3 year old is, or even to get a say in where they are taken.

YABU

The only reason you want to know beforehand is so you can be controlling and say no or limit the experience in some way.

It’s really normal to stop off at a cafe on the way home and things like this can’t be told in advance.

It would be different if they barely knew you/him.

Your son has additional issues - holding his hand in busy places and not letting him get too over tired should be things that they are made aware of, regardless of where they are going.

They don’t need to give you a planned timetable of all the activities.
They aren’t being secretive and running off with him.

They are telling you where they are going but are also doing spur of the moment things like getting something to eat which your son will enjoy.

You don’t know that your son wouldn’t enjoy a tapas restaurant but you are being controlling by deciding that for him.

Please back off a bit.
Your son will grow to resent you if you carry on being this controlling.
Family members will also stop babysitting for you too.

The easy solution to this is to say that the latest advice for your DS SEN is to pre plan his day and support his understanding of it with visuals. Most 3yo with SEN will really benefit from this anyway so it would be a thing that would likely help him and this situation.

I'd make up a little daily routine strip with symbols you can stick on for wake up, get dressed, breakfast etc and you can have 2 slots or one slot for morning and a couple for the afternoon. Grandparents would need to tell you in advance if they were planning park or zoo etc so you could pop it on his visual timetable the night before and run through it with him in the morning. He could then take it with him to Grandparents. Usually you take a symbol off once it's complete. Grandparents would also then be likely to be supportive of being more open because they would see that the planned activities are helpful for your DS.

It might also reduce your anxiety because it will enable grandparents to see a difference between your DS with a planned routine and your DS without - ie they will likely see a calmer happier child and realise that your wanting to know the plan was driven by wanting to support your son and had nothing to do with a power struggle between you and them.

If they know his needs well I can see that it might be annoying that you repeat them each time, but choosing to address that by lying about where they are going is incredibly immature. I’d want to know in case, for example, I’d bought tickets to take him somewhere in two days and him going to the same place before will make going again pointless.

That’s really nasty, @Weepachu. My mil is just as good with my DC as my own DPs and is just as entitled to a relationship. How on Earth is being in laws a red flag?!

What's a reg flag about them being in laws?

I absolutely understand your need to know where your son is. Like others have said, not every finite detail but just location/activity. I think you, for your son’s sake, you have to shake any feelings of embarrassment or feeling like an “annoyance” and just be more stern in knowing where he is going. At the end of the day his safety is paramount and you have to set the boundary. It’s not up to you to be overly polite

OP I absolutely would want to know, and would be very concerned your DS is being asked to keep secrets from you. You're in charge of this situation. If you don't like it, put a stop to it.

My in law's didn't want me saying anything either, it was all about how she had managed to raise two DC.
She wouldn't listen to me about ones breathing issues nor about the car door locks.
She ignored us on pretty much everything actually.

No, they are being weird. You have the right to know where your ds is. Don't let them take him if you don't know where, or fit ds with an air tag...

There could be all sorts of reasons they're not telling you in advance.

So, if you give them a list of instructions every time, maybe they feel like you don't trust them to properly care for your child (in which case, you shouldn't let them take DS in the first place).

Maybe they haven't made any plans yet because it will depend on the weather and everyone's mood at the time, or maybe they just want to see where the day takes them.

They raised your husband with (presumably) no major disasters so maybe they find it offensive to have to go into so much detail about their plans before you're happy to trust them with your son.

So what if they find it offensive what's more important here ? Their ego or reassuring the mum of a small vulnerable child and one with Sen?

She wants to know,he's her son.

Do you think they don’t understand how to look after their GC, hasn’t their son got confidence in his parents?
They want to out their GC and surprise him doing grandparent things. If they have to give their minute by minute plans to you for you to ‘prepare’ him so he doesn’t get excited, you have seen his eyes light up and the shine is taken off their day out.

Well, imo it depends why OP needs to be reassured and what it would actually achieve.

Would she still allow them to take DS if she didn't approve of where they were going, or didn't find it suitable?

Why doesn't she trust them?

Yes, I would want to know. They aren’t handling your anxiety very well, but I guess if telling you what they are doing triggers your anxiety and causes you to tell them how to suck eggs when you acknowledge they are already aware of his needs and susceptibilities, and this puts everyone on edge, I can also see why they tend to be cagey about it. An anxious person can make everyone lose confidence, so maybe they just don’t want you putting a downer on their plans with your reactions, so prefer to share the successes of the day afterwards. I would still want to know where my child was, though 😉.

The buck stops with her. if she wants to stop them,that's her decision.

It's not appropriate for them to be vague and lie so they can do what they want

I’d suggest they are the ones being controlling op.

Unless he has food allergies (when a double check of the restaurant would not be unreasonable) then as long as you know the planned activity then I wouldn't worry.
You obviously trust them as they can take him out so apart from a vague idea you don't really need the ins and outs.
Btw Tapas is great for small people as there are small plates you can try lots of different bits of. Much less chance of a whole meal being rejected!