Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

[StrangeEffect]

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

I'd have no problems with spontaneous trips "oh it's a lovely day let's go to local adventure farm" but I would have a massive issue with intended secrecy and honestly I would stop the trips unless it stopped. It's just fucking weird to purposefully hide where you're taking someone else's child!

OP you said you trust them but you feel the need to give them the same instructions every time. I think if you honestly do trust them you need to stop saying the same things to them. I get why you do it but it'll make them feel like you don't actually trust them.

DGP: ‘We’ll probably just go to the park’
You: ‘Ok, please will you let me know if you decide to go anywhere else or if plans change, DS hasn’t been well (insert whatever concerns you)’

DGP: ‘Can we take DGS out on Tuesday?’
(expecting a yes no answer)
You: ’I’ll have a look on the calendar, where are you thinking of going?’

And if the DGP say, 'not sure yet, we'll see what the weather's like and play it by ear.'

How does the op respond then?

It’s not normal to hide where you’re taking someone else’s child, and in those circumstances I wouldn’t let him go. Vague plans are fine, tapas is fine, seance at the local spiritualist church is not fine.

Inlaws do know this but I don't think they want me saying it and I feel I have to say it for the wellbeing of my child. I think their attitude (although not said aloud), is, don't tell us, we already know and we'll decide what we do.

I can kind of see their point, I think you either trust them to take him out or you don't. They might not do everything the same way you would do that's ok.
Presumably you don't suspect they're not caring for him properly of you wouldn't be letting him go with them.
However not unreasonable to ask where they're taking him though, and they should be honest about it.
I'd frame it as wanting to know if he needs wellies/waterproofs/smart clothes etc.

My husband doesn’t take the kids out without letting me know where they’re going. “Heading to the park… going into town to look for x, y, z, do we need anything else?” Etc

No way in Hades would someone else be taking our kids without telling us the plan.

(And yes, I let him know what we’re up to if I’m headed out with the kids too)

You should just expect normal levels of communication before or afterwards, like in a conversational way. It all sounds very clunky. Yes I would want to know how the day has gone or known about special trips before hand . Not sure I'd expect texts during the day about stopping there, eating here etc.

It’s the secrecy that is odd.
Your child, your rules. They tell you their arrangements or your ds doesn’t go.
Either they think you’ll object to anywhere they suggest or it’s a control thing. Whatever the reason you should always know where your son is.

My in laws used to have my DS one day a week and I don’t remember ever specifically asking what their plans were but it naturally comes up in conversation during drop off. For instance they might tell DS where they were going to take him that day or they’d ask me to bring his bike so they could go to the park etc.
It’s definitely odd that this isn’t happening for you

Maybe they don't like telling you because of the list of instructions they'll get.

“I want to know in advance where you’re talking ds. I want you all to have fun. However, being evasive is making me nervous and question what you aren’t telling me. I want to know in case something happens and I need to come and collect ds.” If they then become off and accuse you not not trusting them. “If anything, not telling me is making me doubting whether or not to trust you. I don’t understand this when the situation can easily be rectified.” Bottom line, he is your child and you can decide whether or not trips are ok.

The secrecy is creepy and a red flag. Them
being in laws rather than your own parents is another red flag. If your boy is non verbal (you said he has SEN) then I would not be allowing the trips. You’re his mother and the buck stops with you.

Mine used to do this and it would drive me mad. Or they’d say they were taking him to the park and to meet there at 12 and I’d get there and no sign of them, and they’d gone for a coffee. I didn’t mind but I hated not knowing where he was. What if something happened and I was saying to the police “yes I have no idea where my small baby is”. But also it felt like they were doing it to make a point that I didn’t trust them - not seeming to realise that the reason I didn’t trust them was because they kept buggering off and not telling me where they were going!
This was in addition to some other things though like my FIL rolling his eyes at me asking him nicely to use the strap on the pram.

Get a tractiv pet tracker and pop it in his bag or something. You’ll get a constant nap of where he is.

are they religious and taking him to a place of worship? Or is there something where you have different views or standards and they’re trying to introduce him to their world.

I don’t need to know everything my kids are up to, but the secrecy element her would really bug me

Exactly. If they need reminding every time that they must hold his hand because he's a bolter, they really shouldn't have him alone for the day. You sound overly anxious TBH OP, which is understandable given his needs, but you need to bite your tongue and not give constant reminders of what is very basic care of him. I agree with a PP that they are being evasive because you will suck all of the fun out of it before they've even left and are fed up being told how to suck eggs. Even your tapas comment is coming from a place of negativity - presumably he didn't come back starving, so he found something he liked there? (Lots of different dishes to try give a better liklihood of success than commiting to a single DC's menu meal any way) DCs often pick up on our attitudes of 'you won't like this', whether spoken out loud or not, and adopt it as their own view. I would have been excited DC discovered some new food and have asked GPs which were the favourites.

The fact that your example is they took him to a tapas restaurant, and not the 'museum of knives and fire' makes me think maybe you're a bit OTT and they're reaction to that. Try to unclench. Your child will be school soon and then you'll have no idea what they're up to all day 😆

Yes, I suspect this is it.

You don't really trust the GP and they've picked up on it.

If they simply said "we're going to the zoo" and you said "that'll be great, DS is really into elephants at the moment" they would be more inclined to talk to you.

Same way as my teen now says "I'm going to Nandos with Bill and Steve" rather than "I'm going out" because he's realised I'm only asking out of interest and not because I'm going to critique his choice of venue or friends.

What if something happened and I was saying to the police “yes I have no idea where my small baby is”.

What if it had? You're not expected to know your child's whereabouts at every second of the day if someone else is caring for him.

Odd
We used to get ..I'll take her to the park then maybe for an ice cream ..sort of info
Could you say ..where will you be going...so I can make sure she's got what she needs clothes worse etc ??

@StrangeEffect so what do you think about airtag?

Oh, please do tell me more of this Museum of Knives and Fire....

Sounds like the perfect place to hide a grandchild, even if it is a little more effort than the usual trip to Waitrose and the duck pond before popping into the garden centre for a look at the hydrangeas and some lunch.

I might not tell dd when she drops him off because sometimes my plans change but I always send photos so that she can see what he's up to. I would tell dd though if I planned to take dgs somewhere out of the ordinary in advance.

This comes down to why OP needs to know where her DS is. If it's because she thinks the GP will abduct him, then she probably shouldn't let him go with them at all.
if it's because she thinks they will lose him, she probably shouldn't let him go with them at all.
If it's because she's just interested, then she should probably work on developing a better communication relationship with the GPs, rather than tracking them (indirectly) without them knowing.

I get where yr coming from OP my dd has additional needs, she fatigues easily because of her condition and gets ill easily. She'll always push herself to be able to join in things but then gets ill afterwards as she's been so exhausted and I'm left picking up the pieces. For example, having to take time off work to care for her while she recovers from the illness her exhaustion made her more vulnerable to. You'd never know this was going to happen on the day but I know how far we can take things and others don't.

She was the only grandchild on both sides for a while and both sets of grandparents were in some level of denial about her illness for a long time. They didn't want to hear that she'd need extra care taken, lots of rest stops etc. They'd pull tricks like the surprise days out you're describing too "to save me worrying" which translates as - we didn't want you to tell us to be careful.

They'd often do stupid things like not bring a nappy bag when dd often missed signals she needed the loo and she'd come home wrapped in a jumper. Or they wouldn't take a pushchair and then complain she couldn't walk and needed to be carried.

Thankfully for us Covid gave us a couple of years off from it all during which time we got a formal diagnosis and they take things more seriously now.

You have all my sympathies as it's awful to be painted as the overbearing parent when all yr doing is trying to get people to understand yr child's needs.