Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

[StrangeEffect]

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

I would want to know too.

A tapas meal sounds perfect for a 3 year old.

I find that very bizarre. When my parents or MIL take the children out they always tell me what they have planned, they seem excited to tell me, even. So that secrecy is bizarre and no I wouldn’t be letting my child go anywhere with them. I also agree with the poster who said you drum it into your child that there’s no secrets from you or their dad, for their own safety.

It’s very odd. My eldest is 10 and I would still expect a grandparent to give me an idea of where the was with them prior to going if they knew. I would definitely want to know for my 3 year old even if it was just if it’s nice we will go to the play park or if it’s wet soft play. It’s the secrets I wouldnt like.

If someone wouldn't tell me where they were taking my child, they simply wouldn't be taking them. Just ask where they're going and if they refuse, say you aren't comfortable.

My IL's will tell me before they go, because they're generally excited to tell us or will ask if LO will like it.

Then they'll text if they're running late, but they don't have to keep us updated in between journeys.

They'll often go to three or four places in a day and I don't need to know all of them. I trust them completely.

The intentional secrecy is bizarre though.

Do they point blank say “we don’t want to tell you”?

In short, not a even the whiff of a chance that I would let my 3 year old go off with anyone (let alone a chronically ill one) if I asked “where are you taking him?” And they refused to tell me.

Not. A. Chance

You don't need to keep your fingers crossed you have a right to know where your child is!! Why are you even questioning this??

I’d be alarmed at the secrecy.

It’s not just ‘a matter of trust’. Anyone who is weird and secretive about what they do with your child is flying red safeguarding flags. Even if there’s nothing untoward going on (there probably isn’t), the secrecy is not ok.

That sounds hyperbolic and alarmist. But it’s really not. There’s no reason not to tell you. And every reason you’d want to know.

The fact you’re worried that you’ll be labelled controlling if you insist they tell you is also worrying. Do they imply you’re controlling?

Posters really need to drop the tapas restaurant thing. The way I read it, it’s not tapas restaurants in generally the OP has a problem with, it’s that the specific one they took him to wasn’t the kind of place suitable for a 3yo SEN child.

Yanbu OP, of course you should know where your child is and what they are doing.

My parents had ours one or two days a week when they were babies / toddlers. I don't think they would always have told me in advance but probably they would have.

I think tapas is fine for a 3 year old. My parents used to take mine to every cafe and restaurant going as part of their trips out and now my kids both love eating out and also always have known how to behave in a cafe/restaurant from a young age.

No, it's not like that. They might say they'll go to the park but then go somewhere else that's more of like a day out place, like a big farm park or zoo.

My parents usually mention to me what their plans on for my approval - I think they just want to hear that whatever their plans I think the kids will enjoy it. Really strange not to.

they purposefully lie to you?

Is dad / their son around? Is he involved at all? If so surely he can just speak to his parents?

If for example, they were going to go to a big, busy zoo in half term and I knew about it beforehand. I would probably say, just don't let ds get too overtired because this is a chronic problem he has with his immunity and getting tonsillitis.
Also with his SEN, he needs an adult to hold his hand pretty much all the time at a place like a busy zoo. He has little concept of danger and will run off.

Inlaws do know this but I don't think they want me saying it and I feel I have to say it for the wellbeing of my child. I think their attitude (although not said aloud), is, don't tell us, we already know and we'll decide what we do.

Right, so they tell you they want to take DS to the duck pond on Saturday, then they'll come home hours later and it was actually a big pre-planned da

To be honest put like that it doesn’t seem like too big a deal. I thought you meant that you would ask them outright beforehand and they’d blank the question.

But if it dies burger you then tell them explicitly.

...day out at the zoo?

What happens when you say, "Oh right, but you said you were going to the duck pond!'

I’d have thought a three year might really enjoy a tapas restaurant

Presumably the op knows her 3 year old better than you? They're all different you know. One of mine would have loved it at that age. The others would have hated it.

Totally get this op. It's exactly what my in-laws did with ds. They lived a couple of hundred miles away so would come to stay for a week periodically. Right from when he was a baby they would get up some mornings and clearly be getting ready to go out. They'd never ask if it was okay but just announce at the last minute that they were taking ds out for a bit. If I asked where, I'd get an evasive/not sure, we'll play it by ear answer. It usually involved lunch and visiting some of their friends/relatives in the area. It was always presented as giving me a break. They started doing this when he was still breastfeeding and - despite my requests to be no more than a couple of hours in case he got hungry - they'd keep him out for hours. Ds is late 20s now so this was before everyone had mobile phones therefore no way of chasing them up when they were late or check everything was okay.

From your explanation it sounds like if they tell you their real plans you'll take the excitement out of it by worrying. It's still not ok for them to keep it secret though. Do you trust then to hold his hand and meet his needs? If you do then do you really need to remind them? Can't you just be excited with them about their plans?

I think that's unusual enough for you to just say, "Sounds like fun but I thought you were going to the duck pond" and see what they say.

Hopefully it's just crossed wires. Of course you need to know where he is. Taking a kid to the local park is different to taking him into the zoo or a tapas restaurant. If they're making a point of not telling you, that's weird and they need reduced access.

Have you ever asked them?

DGP: ‘Can we take DGS out on Tuesday?’
(expecting a yes no answer)
You: ’I’ll have a look on the calendar, where are you thinking of going?’

YANBU. It's just basic. It's not like you're going to say no to the zoo, but surely, for example, he might have been to the zoo recently or you might have planned to take him in a couple of weeks. It's just planning!

It sounds like you're concerned they don't understand your child's needs, in which case, do you feel comfortable with them looking after him?