Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

301 replies

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:43

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

OP posts:
ordinarilyordinary · 20/10/2022 23:16

*wouldn't

moistmingemist · 20/10/2022 23:18

Just be blunt and ask why they are secretive and unless they're upfront with their plans you'll rethink his days out. You have a right to know where your dc is!

RainbowSlide · 20/10/2022 23:18

Yanbu. I would expect them to tell you a general plan, just as part of the conversation, so everyone knows where you'll all be. Not a detailed itinerary of course but it's weird that they are being secretive.

Tbh i would ask out right as part of seeing them when you're doing handover, and if they don't tell you, you say quite frankly "I want to know where you're taking him", and if they don't tell you i wouldn't let them take him. In a way that suggests they're the ones being really odd to not share that info.

Weatherwax13 · 20/10/2022 23:20

Do you mean that they do things like choose where to go for lunch while they're already out?
Or that they literally won't tell you where they're headed when you ask them?
Because if it's the former I don't see the issue really but if it's the latter that's not on and I just wouldn't let the child go.
I'm a grandmother.
Always tell DDs where we're planning to go
But if I decided GC needed feeding I wouldn't then ring and say where we were eating.

miceonabranch · 20/10/2022 23:21

I was going to suggest church as well. Are they religious?

B1pbop · 20/10/2022 23:22

Don’t you ask them on the day? ‘What have you got planned today?’

I wouldn’t expect full details or a running commentary.

btw what’s wrong with taking anyone of any age to a restaurant? You sound overly worried. It’s okay for kids not to have the world revolve around them all the time.

Orders76 · 20/10/2022 23:25

This sounds like a general trust issue.
Like you feel they might bring him other adult/ unusual places for a 3 year old? That can happen when people are trying to fit the child into their life and not specifically v child centred.
Not usually a huge deal unless you don't trust some of their activities?

lapasion · 20/10/2022 23:26

Any family members you don’t get along with that they might be taking him to?

279Nouveauxnoms · 20/10/2022 23:28

Air tag is an idea but if they have iPhones they will be alerted to it travelling with them so that no doubt would blow up.

Can you not just said you need to know their plans to be comfortable?

LondonLovie · 20/10/2022 23:33

Just speak to them and tell them you want a quick text when they go out.

They aren't mind readers

Arenanewbie · 20/10/2022 23:33

I wouldn't like it. It means that they know that you disagree with them on some issues or they think that they know better. Neither of options is good in my books. They should be learning from you as you are an expert in your child.
It might be just tapas now but it could be anything in the future. My DD has additional needs so I can understand, united approach is particularly important so the child is not confused.
I would ask them lots of questions e.g. Where they are going? Where they are going to have lunch? Does this place has adapted toilet ( if your DC needs one) etc etc
And then wait for answers.

jtaeapa · 20/10/2022 23:34

Air tag in his pocket

Babygirlnameq · 20/10/2022 23:34

Do you think they don’t tell because they’re concerned you’ll get judgemental? Do you have a good relationship?

Babygirlnameq · 20/10/2022 23:35

but I agree - it’s very odd.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 20/10/2022 23:38

My mum gives me a blow by blow via whatsapp and then recounts every funny face or piece of food chucked when she takes dd out. She’s a very chatty person gobshite though so that’s fine. I’d expect even a ‘we had a lovely time at the petting zoo today. You know the one by the church? And he ate a good lunch. We just took some sandwiches.’ A general outline. A professional childcare provider has to give detail info, so Even though it’s grandparents I’d want a little info so I could inform what to do for supper, if she will be extra tired, need a bath, whatever.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 20/10/2022 23:41

So if you say ‘where are you taking Little Billy next Tuesday?’ They really say ‘I am not telling you.’ Or do they ignore you, pretend not to hear, what??

You need to ring the day before and say ‘what are your plans for tomorrow? Where will you be going and when?’ Pretend it’s so you can send appropriate clothes and footwear if you want. But just persist until they tell you. If they still won’t, you have a problem.

TooHotToRamble · 20/10/2022 23:47

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:53

They want to take ds out next week and I'm already stressing about it as they haven't said anything else about where. I will be asking and just keeping fingers crossed that they'll tell me.

So presumably you say something like "so what are your plans" or "where are you going" when they offer to take him out? What do they say when you ask?

Lonlov · 20/10/2022 23:48

What happens when you do ask? How do they respond?

My in-laws take my DD out and while they might not have a concrete plan in place before they set off, I don't have any concerns about the general plan. So for example, my FIL will be sat googling places to go - he might come up with some options e.g well there's a garden centre at X place with a train ride, and that's close to Y village where we could go for lunch. Or we could go to Z and eat there etc etc.

The live away from us, so when they take her out it's because they are staying with us, so I'm sort of hearing the conversation about plans as they're unfolding. Sometimes giving suggestions, normal conversation really.

But I think there's a difference between, haven't fully made our minds up and being secretive.

Once it feels secretive trust just goes out the window. Then I guess if they tell you, you'll question if they are being truthful if it all feels suspicious.

Think you have to go with your gut on this one. If it doesn't feel right, it's probably because it isn't.

mamabear715 · 20/10/2022 23:49

Hell no, I'd want to know where my kids were at all times when they were little.

Applesandpears23 · 20/10/2022 23:49

YANBU. I wouldn’t like that at all. It is fine to be ‘controlling’. He is too little to make decisions himself so it is your job to look after him including having an opinion on what his grandparents do with him.

TooHotToRamble · 20/10/2022 23:50

TBH I don't think I always knew exactly where my DS was when he was with his grandparents. Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. It seems odd of them to deliberately keep it from you (if that's what's happening here?) but I don't think they should have to give you a blow by blow timetable for the day.

Lonlov · 20/10/2022 23:54

Also, is your 3yr old verbal? You mention special needs, is he able to give a vague outline of where he's been? E.g I fed ducks. I went on a slide. So you can maybe judge what sort of day he's had?

BatshitBanshee · 21/10/2022 00:02

Over my dead body would anybody take my children out and not tell me where or what they were doing. You're being far too lax about this OP. A detailed itinerary - no. But a fair idea of "off to the cinema and lunch" or a park etc etc is just normal. I wouldn't be allowing them to take him next week unless they tell me where.

Lonlov · 21/10/2022 00:04

Blueeyedgirl21 · 20/10/2022 23:38

My mum gives me a blow by blow via whatsapp and then recounts every funny face or piece of food chucked when she takes dd out. She’s a very chatty person gobshite though so that’s fine. I’d expect even a ‘we had a lovely time at the petting zoo today. You know the one by the church? And he ate a good lunch. We just took some sandwiches.’ A general outline. A professional childcare provider has to give detail info, so Even though it’s grandparents I’d want a little info so I could inform what to do for supper, if she will be extra tired, need a bath, whatever.

Haha. This is my Mum!!! 😂😂except it's we had a lovely time at the petting zoo. The one near the church, just of London Road, you turn left at the crossings, and go past the fox and hound, where there was that birthday party you went to in 1992..........

😂you catch my drift 😂

Stopthebusplease · 21/10/2022 00:07

Another grandparent here. When my grandchildren were young, if their Mum asked me what I had planned for the day I'd have had no problem telling her, equally if I hadn't made up my mind, I'd just say 'I think we'll play it by ear'. You don't appear to have answered people's question about how they react if you ask them beforehand what their plans are, presumably they don't say 'we're not telling you', as that would be REALLY weird. Unless there's some sort of back story here, I too think you should be guided by your gut, as it's clearly worrying you, and you have every right to know exactly where they're going and what they're doing with YOUR child.