Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

[StrangeEffect]

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

😬😬😬

@sue20 you have no idea what @ohwhatadustyanswer ‘s parents/grandparents of the kids are like though. She might be absolutely justified. I used to think like you because I thought every nana was like my mum. Confident with emergencies, trustworthy, fun, loving. Why wouldn’t you just dump the kids and let it and leave her to it? Then I got a mil who let’s face it has mobility issues and memory issues often gets on wrong buses by accident or can’t find shops in the town she’s lived in for 50 years, has stopped driving because of multiple bumps etc. And who wants to have my newborn alone. She cannot change a nappy unless the baby is placed on the dining room table due to mobility - she then wanders off for a cloth and leaves the baby on the table. Baby rolled at 7 weeks, sorry but call me neurotic but it’s not happening . Additionally MIL believes in giving small babies rusks, tea, and closing the door and turning the tv up when they go to bed. Not everyone can meet a small child’s needs. Even if they had their own 40+ years ago

But in this case you wouldn't leave her alone with your child at all, surely? If you trust them enough to let them look after your child all day alone you should trust them enough to not need a minute by minute breakdown of plans for the day.

It’s more the dominance of the stance than the place they want to go. They are not fostering a calm relationship. If anything happens when they are out will they then say you were ok with it as you didn’t ask more questions. You can’t reason with unreasonable people. As the child’s parent you know what suits your child. If you aren’t happy say so . If you don’t they will use your silence as confirmation to do as they please.

@Algor1thm no I wouldn’t. (Pretty sure Dp would if he needed childcare for something he really really wanted go to but that’s another story, lol.) however @ohwhatadustyanswer ‘S PILS might be somewhat in the middle. It’s not all or nothing. They might be able to cope with their child for a walk to the park and lunch in a cafe, but not a full day out to a theme park involving multiple train journeys, for example.

Air tag - Are you mad?
That’s ridiculous.

There’s a reason they’re not telling you OP and the answer is in your posts

Could you say to them. Due to his weak immune system, can you let me know, if you go somewhere indoors, with loads of other kids, that could impact his immune system.
That way, they might not think you are being over protective, but more needing a heads up for medical reasons. My mum wouldn't always tell me before, but. My parents more wing it, then plan ahead. But they would tell me, where he had been when the brought him back.

She's his mother. She doesn't need an excuse.

Yeah it’s a bit odd. I mean, it’s not something I’d personally do but you’ve asked a reasonable question and they’ve basically ignored you. If they tell you at the door I don’t think they need to get in touch again unless they’re going to late home (more than 15 mins)

What wouldn’t you do?

Dear StrangeEffect,
I've only just seen your post. First please put aside any fears about being accused of being 'controlling;, With a child with special needs and health problems you need to be controlling. He is your son and nobody, grandparent or not, should do anything with him without your express approval and permission. I was a Teacher of young children and the SEN Supervisor in my school, and then changed career and became a Neuro Psychologist. But even so, when I looked after my grandson, especially all day for about a week, I did everything according to what my daughter said, and I asked her if I had any doubts or wanted to do something we had not discussed. I get so angry when people think they can over-ride the mother. Every child must be looked after according to their mother or father's standards, whether they have special needs or not. Nobody knows your son as well as you. Be confident in yourself and speak firmly to these grandparents, tell them exactly what you have told us - that you feel they are secretive about what they do with your son and, especially because he has special needs and low immunity, that there are indisputable rules about looking after him. You must be told exactly what they plan to do so you can give them any necessary instructions on how to keep him safe before they leave, or they cannot take him out.
Don't worry about sounding bossy. It might be a good thing if you do sound rather authoritative. You might find your husband is a bit surprised and thinks his parents are perfect, but he does not understand from his point of view. Just remain in charge and tell him there are no secrets or going behind your back as far as the care of your son is concerned, and your husband has not seen this side of his parents so cannot understand.
It might help to start the conversation with them by saying you need to talk to them about that something. It has been going on when they take DS out, and that it deeply worries you, and it has to stop immediately. Then say they appear to be secretive etc. and that it will not be happening any more and these are the ground rules from now on.
I'll be praying for you and wishing you well. Stand your ground. Only you can make sure your DS is cared for properly and in the way he needs. Do it for him and be proud of yourself.

CarefreeMe ·said on 21/10/2022 08:01

"YABU

The only reason you want to know beforehand is so you can be controlling and say no or limit the experience in some way...." and so it goes on, making inferences about a very responsible action of a caring and responsible mother - at some length...

StrangeEffect: IGNORE this person!

"CarefreeMe" clearly has no idea of how to safely raise a child. I would not let her look after a potted plant. She clearly is one of those 'let them do anything' parents who want their children to love them rather than wanting them to be safe, decent and honest. Haven't we all met the progeny of parents such as this? Loud-mouthed, disruptive, unable to share or take turns, they look like sex trade models when they are 8, the boys play shooting games and start driving illegally at 14, they are a problem to the community while their parents do nothing but shower money on them and think all the others are at fault.

Thank God for decent, responsible parents who demand to know that their children are receiving appropriate care and are having their needs met properly. When I taught, I never once minded a parent asking me about a special situation regarding their child. Indeed, I encouraged parents to talk to me about all their child's likes, dislikes, fears and loves regardless of special needs or health circumstances.

By the way, I think this calls for the famous speech:
John F Kennedy, 1961
"The very word "secrecy" is repugnant in a free and open society; and we are as a people inherently and historically opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths and to secret proceedings. We decided long ago that the dangers of excessive and unwarranted concealment of pertinent facts far outweighed the dangers which are cited to justify it. Even today, there is little value in opposing the threat of a closed society by imitating its arbitrary restrictions. Even today, there is little value in insuring the survival of our nation if our traditions do not survive with it. And there is very grave danger that an announced need for increased security will be seized upon by those anxious to expand its meaning to the very limits of official censorship and concealment."

Correction CarefreeMe · made her nasty comments on 21/10/2022 08:01

I think there are crossed wires and crossed "feelings" here! You are not being unreasonable to want to know where your child is going and what he will be experiencing... and I think the fact that he has additional needs will increase your desire to know that in advance.

At the same time your sense of anxiety to know and asking may make your in-laws feel untrusted ...especially when it is about things that they already know about him, his needs and his care as in what you say about In-laws do know thi do know this, but I don't think they want me saying it and I feel I have to say it for the wellbeing of my child. I think their attitude (although not said aloud), is, don't tell us, we already know...

I think you need an open and honest discussion along the lines of:

"I love the fact that you take *** out regularly. He always comes back happy, and he obviously has a lovely time with you. I find it really hard when I don't know where he is going and what he is doing though. This is NOT because I don't trust you or anything, it's just that I think with his extra needs it makes me feel more comfortable to know what he is doing and where he is. I know that you know about his needs, and I am sorry if my telling you about them regularly is irritating, it honestly isn't because I don't trust you, I just feel happier if I say it out loud, it helps me to stop worrying about him!"

Try to be really hone3st about why you need/want to know and about knowing that you can trust them, good luck!

Correction CarefreeMe · made her nasty comments on 21/10/2022 08:01
WTAF? I had to go back and read the comments that made you target that poster and write a big long post including a JFK speech. What absolute craziness 😂

Threads like this and posts like that just make me understand why we have so many kids with anxiety issues 🤷‍♀️

Well there’s your answer right there - it’s not that you want to know, it’s that you then want to judge if it’s appropriate. A tapas lunch is perfect finger food for a 3yr old. They obviously know you’ll critique which is why they are evasive.

Still not ok. She's his mother

how DARE you want to know where your 3 yeasr old special needs child is! The NERVE of you.

yeah, the in-laws are being wildly inappropriate and I would actually stop letting them take him out if they can't give you the courtesy of letting you know where they are taking him. Tell them to keep you in the loop or learn to enjoy hanging out at your house.

Have you tried simply explaining how you feel?

As for you believing that they are taking ds to restaurants that are not age appropriate, I think that enabling children to experience lots of different types of food is wonderful. Of mine, 2 are very disabled, but they have always enjoyed different experiences. I remember my daughter at 2 loving Cous Cous in a Moroccan restaurant, and trying everything!

I love this post. Wise and kind. 😍

I love this post. Wise and kind. 😍

Thankyou!

Yanbu wanting to know, what is odd is them not being completely transparent about it. I can't believe they wouldn't just say in conversation! It would bug the hell out of me. After all, he's only 3 and has special needs. He might need preparing in advance or something like ear defenders or just a general low-key environment. Smacks of "we know better". My mum does this, so I know how frustrating it can be.

What nonsense! It's very hard taking some children to any 'proper' restaurant because they might have limited diet or find the environment too overwhelming. Or you'd like to send a toy or colouring to keep them occupied or, or, or....there's literally any number of reasons.

I would think NOT asking is unreasonable. A parent should always know where the kids are regardless of the guardian.

That said, the bigger question is why they won't tell you. Do they find it insulting, do they think you are overbearing or what? Or maybe they are establishing a pattern for some reason, where they want their grandchild to be surprised and telling you might ruin the surprise.

Last question I have is - do they tell you eventually?

Um no you're not being unreasonable. Making arrangements without putting the parents in the loop is weird. You should know where your kids are or what's being planned. That's not being controlling its being a responsible parent