To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

Speaking as someone who spent her childhood living in squalor I absolutely hated it

So did I @Nave

I would only do what I might do when any visitor coming. I would not spruce up at all. I might Febreze the carpets where I thought there were wee smells etc but that would be it. If in laws have a problem in a basically clean but a bit chaotic household (understandably with little ones) then that is THEIR problem!!

I would only do what I might do when any visitor coming. I would not spruce up at all

I would only do what I might do when any visitor coming. I would spruce up.

I totally agree. DP and I were the most efficient when the HV and midwife were due. It was immaculate, like a show home!

Homebirth at 6am, midwife was off around 10:30am and we started to thoroughly clean and tidy the house. It’s amazing how much energy you can mobilise when you are scared of the visitor.

It isn’t ‘basically clean but a bit chaotic’ though. It’s dirty and very messy. OP admits that.

Kanaloa

The OP says this...I could honestly cry at some of these comments. Someone said, we're living in squalor - it's really not that bad! I'm embarrassed but I think it's because my mil has got such high standards

I stand by comment further upthread!!

@Madamum18 she also says the “fridge and hob need a good clean”, there’s urine in the carpet, and they haven’t unpacked properly, or been able to use DD’s room because it’s full of dirty laundry.

Doesn’t sound like my version of “basically clean”!

She admits the place is cluttered and very messy and needs a good clean. That’s not ‘basically clean.’ That’s not what that means. So you can stand by your comments if you like but they’re not accurate.

Op it sounds like you are really struggling to manage household chores. Can you use a chore schedule to help, ideally after a deep clean? Maybe hire a cleaner for a few hours first to help.

You can also hire carpet cleaners for a day from a lot of places, or alternatively replace carpets with laminate or lino, or wooden floors.

Don't just do it for the in laws, but for you. It doesn't sound pleasant to live as you are, for either you or the children, and I think you feel the same, otherwise you wouldn't be so upset about people commenting on how you live.

Fair enough

but i would hazard a guess that your home isn’t far off the what the OP describes.

What's your DH doing? Is he worrying about 'sprucing it up' for his parents? I'd let it be driven by him although pretty much everyone on MN seems to think this is your responsibility. I wonder if OPs DH a posting on a mens forum about his messy house with his parents visiting.

@Floomobal I never said that dd's room was full of dirty laundry. I said that it's full of clothes that have been outgrown and need sorting. All clothes in there are clean and I've actually started bags of labelled sizes for sorting but it's just not been finished so looks like a muddle.

So no, not dirty clothes. Sorry to take away your elaboration.

Ok, I’m sure that a room that is so full of clothes that it can’t be used, is able to be cleaned.

So your house sounds lovely. Apart from the urine carpet and dirty fridge 👍🏻

Why do the clothes need 'sorting'? If they're clean then just bag them up and drop them at the charity box/shop. No need to make more work for yourself by sorting them by age, etc.

Incorrect guess as it happens! But not sure what the state of my own home has to do with this issue for the OP!

Why does someone who comes on asking for help and clearly finding life difficult have to put up with this sort of stuff?

My go to with a 4 year old 3 cats and a puppy is scented salts, it helps mask smells. I use white vinegar on accidents and the carpets don't smell

Helpful advice and hopefully useful to the OP.

I feel for you on this one OP. Decluttering is not as quick and easy as people suggest, it if were there wouldn't be a full on industry of books and blogs with advice on how to do it.

Baby stuff is hard, at least I found it so because it is really sentimental. I would start going through their little garments, intending to have a clean sweep and start thinking about how quickly they'd grown, how cute the looked etc etc. Sometimes things cost quite a lot and it felt wasteful to throw them out and I always felt that I ought to try to sell them --- but that was a whole other job when there was so much to do all at once.

And that is the problem. At this stage in family life, new house, jobs, babies there is too much to do all at once.. so you have to absolve yourselves from guilt of not being wonderwoman and wonderman and just do what you can. Keep at it, bit by bit and you will find things looking clearer and clearer.

With your DD's clothes. You've already put them into sizes. Could you find a bag that definitely needs to go to the charity shop. Just one. And take it on your way to the grocery shop (although in your case a monthly delivery of the big stuff might really help atm) And then if you are hesitating because of perhaps you should sell the really expensive stuff... put all of that into one bag too. Could you get some of those Duvet storage bags from Amazon. They fit quite a lot in and they are MUCH tidier than carrier bags etc..It would be very quick to do and it looks organised and as if there is a plan going on. and you can label them or get ones with view panels.
For the sentimental stuff. Buy a nice "memory box" and put all the sweet baby things you cannot bear to part with. One for each child. Artwork etc, and sometimes the mass of Christening cards etc.. just photograph them and put in them in a google photos online album (so you can find them again) You can come back and prune all these things later, but for now, you have them out of the way.
Toys are the same. Photograph them and pass them on, except for the special ones or ones they might still use. Otherwise find a storage unit - Those clear plastic three draws high units on wheels are ideal. We had one draw for art stuff. one for playdough and one for cars and characters.. All labelled.. Job done. That's why I used when we first moved in and money wouldn't stretch to new furniture.

Also. Remember if you are feeling overwhelmed and getting stress about all the jobs that need doing, that the whole house doesn't have to be a show home. If all goes well... You'll have made an effort and cleared up and cleaned up but at the end of the day, you've bought a do er upper and it's a work in progress.
If money is tight you can't do this overnight and if the ILs are reasonable people they should understand this. If they are not - who cares what they think anyway. The ILs have to take you as you are.

This should be a lovely time in your lives and you have to enjoy it and have fun with your young children as much as you can, and not get overwhelmed with anxiety even if the house etc isn't totally magazine perfect. Best of luck.

Why is it ok for an OP to be snarky, and not get anything directed back at them?

Neither is "OK" but the OPs "snarky" probably comes from coming on here upset, asking for advice and, amongst the helpful suggestions having to also put up with a load of unhelpfully critical and assumption making comments, expressed sarcastically and unkindly. I really don't want an argument; I just don't get why people have to be unpleasant even when giving advice that might be difficult to hear for the OP!!