To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

Use an odour neutraliser spray on the urine.

Sit down and make a list, room by room, of the tasks to do. Start with the most important rooms. Then tackle it one task at a time.

Going forward make a list for each room of tasks to be done weekly, monthly etc and tick off as you do it. It'll help you focus.

A favour is popping to the shops
Watching the kids for an hour
Lending a tenner

This isn't a favour. It's basic hygiene and as adults with children living in their house, they should clean it themselves. Hell would freeze over before I asked my parents/in laws to clean my hob and piss stained carpets for me cause I'm too scutty to do it myself.

You will not change my mind.

Thank you for the positive, helpful comments. It's given me food for thought and I will definitely try some of the useful suggestions.

Maybe because her mother loves her and wants to help.

The Organised Mum Method is an absolute boon.

Little and often tasks. 👍

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

I wouldn't spruce. DH would probably spruce. I'd offer to help but wouldn't do more cleaning or tidying than he did. His mum is house-proud & DH is afraid of upsetting her. She could literally lose sleep fretting that he lives in a pigsty. I am a lifelong slob to my parent's immense disappointment. Once you know that no matter what you do they'll be disappointed, then you stop minding that they are disappointed and just live to your own standards.

If hyperbole was your intention I don’t think it came off very well - it seems like you were trying to diminish the issue by insinuating only OCD super clean-freaks would think that what op’s described is problematic, when in fact it’s problematic because it’s a chaotic living situation.

I’ve actually specifically said that op should start a thread asking for tips for keeping on top of things and she’ll get lots of good advice from people who have coping mechanisms to help them live a normal life where things are kept in order. But I don’t think it’s helpful to act like this is a great environment for the children and only fussy perfectionists would think it wasn’t good enough.

Actually it’s the exact excuse

OCD Super clean freaks? Just no.

Errrm you've made it into Hull Live
https://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/news/real-life/my-house-smells-like-urine-7725087?fbclid=IwAR3JCi1QpwvfSDDIWDBMMl81eCDp7u2ylu125frHBxzeo8qYg96rDap3FuI

clean, but your dh needs to do at least half.

take it as an opportunity to freshen up the house.

Yes the Hull live article appeared on my newsfeed, I live nowhere near Hull!

@ThreeLittleBirds11 I can really sympathise. Mumsnet can be so judgmental. We struggle to keep our house tidy too and there always seems to be a smell coming from somewhere. I really try to keep on top of it and when I do I feel great but it really does feel like a constant battle.
I can’t really offer you any advice but I just wanted to say you’re not alone in this struggle. The perfect Pollys on here with their zoflor’d houses and pristine kitchen counters are a different breed. You sound like the kind of person I’d like to be friends with.

This has got to be a troll? You manage to work OP with 2 kids and you have awareness to acknowledge your carpets smell.....

Well I wouldn't be hosting family.

There is a middle ground. Your comments about zoflora'd houses are just ridiculous. My house is clean and tidyish, and I simply could not live like the OP does. I feel that this is the norm for most mumsnetters.

I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting a cup of tea in a dirty house that smells of wee, and nor would most people.

At least the OP has the social awareness to realise it, and I hope some of the tips on here have helped.

@RampantIvy fully agree. There's untidy and being dirty huge difference.

I can totally understand how hard it is to motivate yourself to clean up when you're a naturally untidy messy person (like my husband and I are)! My mother in law visits every other Sunday which is an excellent reason to clean up.

What really helps me is having loads of storage space so I have places to put everything out of sight. Also get rid of as much stuff as you can, the less you have the less messy things can get!

Such pathetic excuse for journalism when news sites regurgitate anonymous posts from internet forums.

OP I think you were really brave to put this in aibu!

Some of the comments on here are really OTT and rude.
The OP said there was one spot on the carpet that smells of wee that she has tried to get rid of but it’s not working. She hasn’t said that her house is covered in piss and that she doesn’t give a shit 🙄.
Also those who are saying that asking parents or in-laws to help is terrible: Err, are you aware that family care about each other and would like to help if they see their loved ones struggling or overwhelmed. That doesn’t mean she gets her MIL to scrub the urine out of the carpet. It could mean helping declutter and organise or giving tips on how to do things. Or taking the grandkids for a bit. Honestly, some on here just love kicking the boot in. Pathetic.

OP - my advice, post in the Good Housekeeping section. They are a lovely bunch who can give tips on how to clean and organise with ADHD. Also look into TOMM.
Good luck!

If that's the way you feel, then no you're not going to change, but for the record you are the unusual one because, it's entirely normal for friends and family to help out mothers of young babies or people with disabilities with their housework.

DM would muck in with decluttering when the DC were little, and attack the ironing basket when she visited me or her younger sister. In my turn I help DD who has ADHD get her student flat in order when I visit, and helped with the end of tenancy clean, and clear out DPs' dishwasher filter when I visit.

Asking close family members to help out with specific decluttering projects is a standard suggestion on decluttering threads - it makes life much easier when you have an independent eye. Posters normally agree that they'd be happy to help themselves if someone's struggling: there's actually a strange satisfaction in sorting out someone else's problem that you don't get when it's your own.

@ThreeLittleBirds11 wee smell removal tip:

1. Sponge off as much wee as possible. Wet sponge, warm water, water on, dab off with squeezed sponge and repeat about 10 times.

1. Apply neat white vinegar and leave for 45 minutes.

1. Apply a layer of table salt to the vinegared area, allow to dry probably overnight or for 24 hours and vacuum.

1. Shampoo treated bit of carpet with 1001 - easily done by hand with a bowl and sponge (or if you can get hold of some old fashioned daz or omo - just as good).

1. If the lad wees in the same place, could you put an incontinence sheet there? It may work, or he may chose to wee elsewhere.

Works with cat wee which is much stronger but not more than once or twice or once the wee has seeped through to the floorboards.

I am 95% sure I have ADHD as well (DS1 is diagnosed). My only hope of cleaning is an audiobook on Bluetooth headphones and disposable gloves on. If I've a good book on the go, I can clean for hours. This discovery has literally changed my life as I was so pissed off with the sheer grinding repetition of housework. I have a lot of it as DS2 is autistic & low functioning, so he creates chaos wherever he goes!

I'd suggest trying to find a trick so yourself & DH can get something done. Clutter and mess is very disheartening for yourselves never mind PILs. There's something cheering and soothing about a home where you don't have to constantly shift stuff around and don't worry about inviting someone in for a coffee or whatever.
All the best xx

Oh and shame on those who said horrible things like 'piss soaked carpets'- OP clearly said she cleans up after accidents! I really empathize how things can get on top of you, especially when working & having small kids.

Do the dishwasher, put the washing machine on, hoover around where the children have eaten (big hoover every week), clean the toilets/sinks and make sure the kitchen units have been cleaned. The rest does get left or done occasionally.

OK but you seem to be just ignoring everything else. So tackle one extra thing every day? You said the 15month old room is full of clothes. 1st job: sort into "sell", "donate" and "junk" piles. When that is done, tackle the piles one at a time, junk first: in the bin with it. Donate - take to the charity shop. Don't second guess yourself. Sell? Frankly, I'd donate because you don't seem to have the headspace.

Echo the Urine Off for the carpet. The kitchen only really needs a tidy/wipe down once or twice a day. Make a list, tick them off (break it down to tiny chunks, it is easier to handle and gives a feeling of success). Categorise by priority, and re-evaluate - A = urgent, B = to do, C = can be left. Things move around. If it's on C too long it either goes up or it goes off the list. etc

good luck

Tackle the spot on the carpet that still smells = half an hour.

Shampoo out (with Vanish upholstery shampoo) stains on furniture = 1 hour.

Clean out fridge = 1 hour if you and husband do it together.

Clean hob = 15 minutes

Buy one large laundry basket and put all clean clothes in there in your bedroom for duration of inlaw visit if you don't have time to get them put away beforehand.

Mow grass = half an hour.

That's 3 hours between the two of you to make a significant improvement. Really not too difficult, honestly.