To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

I'm not denying it might be harder. But, if the motivation is great enough you will get it done.

Even though circumstances might differ, I'm really talking about motivation and what people genuinely think is important to them. Even when our DDs were tiny, there is simply no way I would have allowed our carpets to smell of pee. If that meant me still scrubbing them at 1.00am when I had to be up for work at 6.30am, then so be it. There would have been no level of tiredness that would have let me tolerate pee stained carpets.

Yeah, you definitely need to do something. Untidy is one thing, unclean is another but it's easier to clean if it's tidy.

Honestly I'm not the most organised and tidy either but I think it's important to at least have the kitchen, loo and living area clean and presentable. If need be, temporarily relocate the mess to an area they won't go in (probably your bedroom).

I appreciate you have ADHD issues, but if you can manage for the bathroom then you can do the same for the kitchen at least. I'd also add that it's also your DHs issue to resolve not just yours.

I'd forget the garden. It's nearly winter and isn't a priority.

Yes agreed.

but ADHD has very very real implications that you and I can’t possibly relate to.

We want a clean and tidy home therefore we do it. Without really thinking about it. Effort? Yes. But something for you and I may take an hour short and sharp and focussed, may run on for hours and be picked up and dropped multiple times

It’s sounds a truly revolting environment. No doubt.

but if this mil has raised an adhd son, I am surprised if she would be surprised. She may however be disturbed that he’s not drawing upon the tactics and strategies that he and the Op will have likely been counselled on over the years if they were professionally diagnosed years ago.

hence he asking if op and her dh professionally diagnosed or simply a suspicion

You have very limited experience of adhd, if any, correct?

i would have thought the same until… my son

People definition of squalor on here is totally barmy. OP made it clear that her bathrooms were spotless. The wee smell came from a potty training child, from one patch of wee that she has repeatedly CLEANED. Stains on the wall and floor and furniture??? She didn’t say they were shit stains. She’s told us her house is a doer upper so the stains and chip here and there is inevitable. She’s battling with laundry, who the fuck isn’t??? Her and and husband are both full time working professionals, they aren’t drug addicts! Their kids are clothed and housed and fed and loved. For those of you who wouldn’t accept a cup of tea from OP because of her house can just piss off and have cups of tea with all your other pearl clutching friends while having a good old gossip about OPs house like the Judgmental twats you are. For all those giving OP helpful advice, you are all wonderful.

Her and and husband are both full time working professionals, they aren’t drug addicts!

This is part of the huge problem. If you entered an addict’s home and noticed it smelled like urine, the children’s clothes were kept piled up on the stained carpet, the fridge and job were visibly dirty, one of the children had no access to a bedroom due to clutter and mess, the walls were stained and dirty… this would not be acceptable to you? You would think ‘this is squalor.’ But because op and her DH are professionals it’s ‘bohemian’ and ‘lived in’ and ‘dust if you must.’ No. It’s unacceptable living standards for children.

But unfortunately that’s where standards slip for certain people. Like on some threads where emotional abuse is mentioned ‘oh well it’s not like they’re being beat up!’ If it wouldn’t be acceptable for the children of a drug addict then it’s not acceptable for the children of teachers.

Oh you beat me to it.
Judgmental has many faces.

Basic clean. Clean bedding, clean toilets, clean kitchen, clean towels.

Then leave cleaning products dotted about. They can do some cleaning if they need. If not don't worry.

It's better they see the real you. No point pretending in the long term.

It’s not unkind, it’s true. It makes me uncomfortable seeing OP use her ADHD as an excuse for keeping children living in a dirty cluttered home (which is traumatic for them, as documented on various threads on here) when I grew up with a brother who tried and tried and struggled all his life but never ever used any of his diagnoses as excuses.

Another vote for the organised mum method. Doesn't really help with the in law situation but will help you get the home into shape.

Well , with a sister with your view on the issue, is it any wonder?

It must be unpleasant for the children to grow up like this, no doubt about that.

worse though, much worse, would be witnessing parents arguing and one of the parents constantly belittling, and nitpicking and criticising and the other being profoundly unhappy and starting threads on mumsnet about that. For example.

clear\see through\white distilled vinegar = removes stench+disinfects.
you clean it-for you+kids.

I’d always clean, clean, clean!

100% clean and tidy it

ewww pissy stains in the carpet that you can’t be bothered to rectify. Clean it for yourselves never mind the in-laws

“Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean”

these things all together would take 2 hours to tidy. Why wouldn’t you?

our house is far from immaculate but having visitors round is the one thing that motivates me to tidy (tf) up

All well and good but OP has mentioned that both herself and husband potentially have ADHD!
judgement not necessary!!

Get professional cleaners in if you can afford it and get it spotless. They will judge you. Not your DH, you. It's unfair, but there it is.

OP, I honestly don't think it sounds too bad at all! It sounds untidy rather than dirty, and given that you've recently moved into a fixer-upper, you've got two young kids, are both working AND you have ADHD, I think you sound remarkably on top of things! After all, the clothes are clean, they just haven't been put away yet. It can be really hard with ADHD to stay on target and complete tasks: I bet you're on the go all day long but you have less to show for it at the end of the day than somebody who is NT. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Nevertheless, your ILs probably will judge, and you'll feel awful if you see MIL looking around with pursed lips, so send DH out with the kids and see if you can blitz it room by room: a bag for rubbish, a box for the charity shop, and stuff what's left into a cupboard for now. Put the laundry away while you listen to an interesting podcast. Set a timer - that can help focus the ADHD brain. And write a list and tick the tasks off.

Going forward, I recommend The Organised Mum Method, although you might need to adapt her plans slightly to suit your house.

Sprinkle bicarbonate of soda/baking powder over on the carpets before going to bed then vacuum in the morning. Cheaper than cleaners.
Tidy and clean but don’t paint they know it’s a do upper. Your ILs must know how you are push for time. Try and do 15 mins a day each once they have left to keep on top of it.
Maybe ILs could help putting up cupboards and sorting through old clothing and taking them down to the charity shop.

Agree with the suggestion to get a cleaner in if you can afford it. Do you feel happy and relaxed in your home? I think it would make me cry or just stay in the clean bathroom.