To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

Again, nobody is talking about ‘perfect Polly’ with ‘pristine zoflora counters.’ Just a normal and acceptable standard of living for children. There’s a difference between obsessively pristine and non-chaotic living standards - ie a home that doesn’t smell and isn’t dirty.

I’m not sure if someone else has already recommended it, but please, please read ‘How to Keep House While Drowning’ by KC Davis. I just finished listening to the audiobook and honestly, I think you will feel like she’s talking to you personally. Davis has ADHD herself and the book is framed around rewriting the narrative that mess = failure as a woman/mother/wife/human. It has super practical strategies for getting to a point where you are comfortable with the state of your home and maintaining it. I say comfortable because she doesn’t advocate keeping things pristine if that’s just not realistic. I don’t have ADHD, but find keeping on top of the house with two small children incredibly hard and have a lot of hang ups about others’ judgement and this book has been quite transformational. It’s short too :)

Fuck me there's some awfully nasty people on here! I never knew that empathy evaded so many of our members.

It's all good and well saying just keep it clean, or it should be clean. But when it feels that overwhelming that you can't find a way to start or mentally tackle it, it must feel absolutely gargantuan.

And I feel sorry for some of you. If any of my family or friends were struggling with this I'd help in any way I could without hesitation, as they would me.

Op, I feel for you, I really do.

but to say We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean

is ”not squalor” is quite simply not accurate. The above is pretty much the definition of squalor in a home environment

Are you and your dh diagnosed with adhd?

My son almost certainly has adhd and we are awaiting an assessment. If he is diagnosed as we expect him to, what is the “benefit” of a diagnosis?

@Endlesslysurprised84

My son is autistic so not ADHD but the ‘benefits’ are the same as any formal diagnosis. You (theoretically) can access support for him, schools etc should make adjustments to support him, you have access to tailored professional information (not somebody dancing on TikTok as ‘adhd symptoms’ flash across the screen), you can in some cases access medication where appropriate.

My house can, and does, go from immaculate to cesspit in the space of 24 hours so no judgement here (4 young DC). I waste far too much of my time and energy worrying about how tidy and clean my house is. I would never suggest others did the same. On the flip side, if you'd be more comfortable with a cleaner house while you have visitors, perhaps hire a cleaner for a one off deep clean? Some decent prices out there.

I'd ask around about a cleaner who would work with you over a weekend to get it all to a less overwhelming point. My house is hygienic but untidy most of the time (there's always art stuff and paper everywhere for example). I don't have a problem with that really. I don't kill myself trying to perfect my house before visitors arriving either.

Keeping a house fresh, clean and tidy requires real effort. If you really, really want it to be fresh, clean and tidy then you will make the effort. Yes, even if it's hard. Yes, even if you feel shattered. Yes, even if you've just worked a 14 hour shift. You'll do it if it's important to you - because people tend to always find the time and energy to do things which are genuinely important to them.

If my child had peed on the carpet, I simply would not stop cleaning it until the smell had completely gone - because it's important to me that I don't live in a house that smells of pee. I couldn't contemplate doing half a job of cleaning it, then throwing my hands up in the air and declaring it too difficult, etc.

I ended up working a 10 hour day yesterday. Got home feeling shattered - I'm 52 and have to take Tamoxifen so often feel very, very tired. But, I still spent most of the evening fannying about in our DD's bedrooms, changing bedding, stringing up fairylights, going up into the loft to get some stuff down, because it was important to me that they came home to a nice surprise in both their bedrooms.

It would have been all too easy to get home from work and just sink into the sofa until bedtime. But I didn't.

Well done you 🙄

It's nothing to do with 'Well done you.' I spent my evening fannying around in our DDs' bedrooms because I wanted to. It was more important to me to sort their rooms than it was to slump on the sofa.

People come out with all sorts of half-arsed nonsense about why they simply can't do something. Nine times out of ten it's because they simply don't want to do it enough.

This is about more than your in laws coming to stay. You can't live like this, for your own mental health if nothing else.

I do TOMM and it is perfect for us. Little and often. Always tidy.

TOMM has a clutter buster because "you can't clean clutter". Id highly recommend going on the website to check it out.

It has done my mental health the world of good to get organised.

Side note: I have ADHD and I am naturally very messy but ironically can't cope with mess.

I think some of the unsympathetic comments are because a lot of people find it really difficult to understand how other people's minds works.

For example my hob is clean because when I spill something on it I don't want to leave it until it is difficult to clean, so I wipe it after we have finished eating. I think this resonates with the point that @peaceandove made about wanting a clean hob even more than leaving it until later.

Spray for pet accidents also helps with human accidents

I feel very sorry and sad for those who think asking for help when overwhelmed is a terrible thing.

I help my friends and family, and they help me.
Sometimes people do get overwhelmed and need help resetting the start life so to speak.

I remember being at my friends when she had baby twins.
I offered to help, and stood and did her ironing, got to the bottom of the basket.
It wasn't a big thing, but it made her feel less overwhelmed. More as if she could cope.

My mum would have happily taken my kids for a few hours to help me have a sort out.

Family and friends help each other. That is what makes a good family

I feel sad for people who feel that they can't ask for help.

When DD was a baby she had some serious health issues, so MIL came to stay for a while to help me out because I had to be with DD 24/7.

She helped with cooking, cleaning, washing etc, and I was very grateful.

Absolutely. If you have a child you've seen struggle with ADHD they're not suddenly cured as a wife and mother. As family or friends why would you turn your back on them. Our family support each other at times with emotional, physical help. Friends chip in too.

I wouldn't clean for the inlaws....I would just clean. I mean, you're saying that your house smells of piss, the walls are stained, your hob is filthy, the grass is long and there is stuff everywhere....

IT needs sorting whether they come or not

To be fair

You worked 10 hours versus OP’s 14 hour
You came home to an empty house with no young children to prepare dinner for and get ready for bed
You “Fannied about” in your daughter’s room doing “nice” stuff like stringing fairy lights.

So whilst I don’t relate to the Op and my house is very clean and tidy, I do t think your situation is in any way similar to the OP’s

Surely the mil raised her adhd son and so is acutely aware of the implications?

But don't use the vanish one because it's shit.

Pets at home do a fantastic own brand spray

I expect I'm much older than the OP and I also take Tamoxifen which is notorious for causing tiredness. However, that's not the point.

Even when our DDs were little, and I was working I still ensured our house was always fresh and clean because that's how I really wanted it to be. After doing dinner and bath/bed time I could have crashed on the sofa in the evening and declared it was all just too much hard work. But I didn't. Not because I was some sort of martyr but because it was just more important to me to live in a clean, tidy house than it was to crash on the sofa.

Oh am I forgot the most important difference

she and her partner have adhd
you don’t

Even when our DDs were little, and I was working I still ensured our house was always fresh and clean because that's how I really wanted it to be.

Yes, me too!!

But that doesn’t mean I struggle to grasp that those with adhd may indeed “want” that but the effort to actually do it is many many more times than for you and I

And you talking about coming home to an empty house, sorting yourself out and no very young children to sort and then tinkering in your daughters room to make it nice for her return - really isn’t similar to the OP.