To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

Clean it but pay someone to help you

You need to clean and keep on top of it for your family. You say you both are organised and tidy at work but the house is a state, but you’re both teachers and even if you do have to do work in the holidays, factor in cleaning and sorting the house as if it was part of your job. Halt term now so even just an hour a day over the next 9 days and that’s 18 hours of cleaning and tidying done.

I’ll admit my house used to be in a state, I was depressed and drained and the thought of tackling the mess made me feel worse. But now every weekend we all, me, DH and 3 kids, just spend an hour or so doing a list of jobs. I’ll clean the kitchen and hoover downstairs, DH empties bins and cleans bathrooms, kids will hoover stairs or bring washing down. Just one hour at the weekend helps keep on top of a large house with 2 full time working parents and 3 kids

We have a blackboard in the kitchen with out jobs next to our names for the weekend hour clean and during the week we all have 1 simple job to do each day after school/work. DC1 collects any pots from round the house, DC2 puts away shoes and coats, DC3 empties dishwasher, I stack dishwasher and wipe the sides, DH feeds dog and does the bins in kitchen - takes 5 mins.

it’s just creating new habits that you need to focus on. You’ve done it with work because you HAVE to, the more you try and stick to a simple habit of 1 hour a weekend/5 mins a day, that habit will too become part of your routine and wont feel so overwhelming.

It was so sad to read this.
I feel like a failure as a parent for not being able to keep on top of it all as I should be.
Please don't! I am not surprised that you are overwhelmed. This is quite possibly the most challenging time of your lives, particularly as it sounds like you can't just throw money at it.
You've moved into a doer-upper, with two very young children, both working full time.
Remind yourself of what you are doing right. You are holding down your jobs, have moved into a new home, bringing up young children, and admitting that you are struggling and looking for ways to get on top of it.
I'm guessing that you haven't had much time to organise/install storage into your doer upper and that the "decoration" leaves much to be desired. You must trust that you will get there. But it's not something you can put right overnight.

You need an emergency survival plan for the in laws visit and then a maintenance plan going forwards.
Forget big lists. Attack the basics.
You do three hours cleaning/decluttering, DH looks after the DC - Then swap. That's six hours of cleaning and the DC get full attention from one of you.
Take aways, including lunch, dinner.
Much advice on the carpet. Tackle that first. DH can take them to the shops to buy treats, supplies and particularly some Room Diffusers for carpet room/bathrooms.
Your bedroom is the clutter dumping area for the weekend - no one goes in there during visit. put things that need more time to sort out.
Start in the kitchen. Clean up all the dishes, dry immediately and put way. Keep going until everything is put away. Shine the sink. Section by section clean the counters/clearing where you can as you go, then wipe down the cooker top and then the floor. Save any plastic cartons etc to use as temporary cupboard organisers,
Wipe down the fridge, throw away out of date food.
Move on to the main sitting/dining area. Declutter ( throw away any magazines/newspapers - be brutal) put all the children's toys into a foldable crate. only keep the favourites in the sitting room. Use a feather duster or similar to clear the dust and clear/clean surfaces. Baby wipes make great disposable dusters. Or put a microfiber cloth on the end of a broom and wipe any dust bound skirtings. Hoover. Wipe down sofas.
If eating at home with in laws, work on the dining space. Stick some fresh flowers in a vase. (I used to make up a tray with the coffee pot and clean cups and milk jug.. at the ready) You say the bathrooms are in good condition, so delegate a visitors bathroom, give it clean and polish, diffuser, fresh towels and mop the floor.
if there's a lot to throw away, send DH to the dump.
Plan the visit. Go out as much as possible. Lunch at a nice cafe nearby. A walk with coffee etc. Don't bother cooking. Do Quiche and salad etc. online shop. but get the nice china out and lay the table.
Don't ask the PILs for cleaning help on this visit, don't over apologise. If any comments are made stick up for yourselves. Its OK to admit you are struggling for time. You are in the midst of sorting out a doer upper.
You will get through this bit by bit. If you think of this as stage one of sorting out your doer upper and devote the next 2-3 weekends to attacking the basics as a team, you will be surprised how quickly things will improve. You will feel much more in control, and then you can tackle some of the doer upper issues. PS. Don't host Christmas and agree not to buy massive amounts of Christmas presents - you don't have the time. Try some of the organising websites to get yourself on track going forwards. Very Best of luck and well done for asking for advice. It will get easier as you go along

Maybe you could ask MIL to help you sort the children's clothes for the charity shop, something you could do together, I'm sure she would love to help.

Excellent advice - we do similar and works well.

Really??!

Yes. Clean your house.

If you struggle to
do it why not get a cleaner?

Second this product we use it for both cat and kid accidents and it really does clear the smell.

We are neurodiverse family and struggle to keep on top of it all. We find having someone visit once every couple of weeks shames us into getting the house straight. Also little and often tasks, I used to fight against routine, but now I appreciate its useful. I water the house plants every Friday, wash the kitchen floor once a week, put washing machine on most days. Putting clothes away is a big struggle and we own far too much stuff.

Thank you @DuckbilledSplatterPuff that's such good advice. I've actually screenshot it to keep on my phone as a reminder.

I wasn't going to comment again and name changed as the comments were getting so harsh and totally elaborated on. Then when I saw that piece on the Hull site, I just felt awful. Who would do that?!

Also the poster who suggested something about social services, that's a horrible thing to say. Nothing in our house is THAT bad! We've got a lot to work on but our children are loved, safe, well fed, bathed, clothed and happy.

I said a couple of times that I had cleaned the wee as best I could in the lounge but the smell was still there. Not the whole house, I said it was one area in the lounge.

I agree, we should be cleaning and tidying for ourselves primarily. It's not laziness, life have just become very busy, exhausting, complicated, etc. We can't afford a cleaner right now. Thank you to everyone who has provided useful and kind tips and advice, and to those who have been understanding too.

It's one of those threads that I now regret doing but it's done now.

I'd ask for it to be taken down op, screenshot any useful advice and then report it. I'm sure Mumsnet hq will understand. Some of the posts have been borderline abusive and as it's ended up in the media I'm sure they'll understand.

Poor old MIL comes for a visit and you think she should roll her sleeves up and start scrubbing pissy carpets.

Frankly I don't know anything about ADHD but find it hard to believe that all families with equal issues live like this..I've got animals and my house isn't covered in stains or urine.

I don't know anything about ADHD

Yes that's evident.
There are a lot of ablest twats on this thread. Don't be one of them.

@been and done it. Frankly I don't know anything about ADHD

Why even post at all then?
Was it for the company of others on this thread who are also clueless or just to pile on? Oh and by the way your house does smell.

its on The Mirror site

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/im-embarrassed-house-smells-urine-28302388

ADHD is not excuse for being dirty. Your home sounds quite bad. Please clean up for yourself and your little kids.

You know you need to clear up
anyway . It’s about time . How about just choosing one area of squalor and working on that . Make three pile
1 put away
2 bin
3 charity shop

No advice for OP but just happy to hear about another family that lives like us!

You need to clean your home for your children. Doesn’t need to be clutter free but hygienic. Maybe spend time recycling clothes you no longer want / fit into so you have room to put clothes away. Your baby will soon be crawling on the urine carpets and face planting and putting hands in mouth.

maybe ask MIL for help. If they want to clean the oven then let them. Mow the lawn etc
take one cupboard at a time and chuck out what you don’t use so you can have clear sides to prep food.

yes you work and have kids but in the time you’ve read all the replies on this post you could have wiped out the fridge

I'm a mother in law and I'd be very happy to roll my sleeves up and get stuck in. It's a lovely gift to working parents who don't have enough time.

Me too and it wouldn’t bother me tuppence.
I happily used to do this to help out, no big deal 🤷🏼‍♀️

Defo deep cleaning it. Get a cleaner in on this occasion if you can

I'd make sure the bathroom or toilet they will use is clean and do the same for the kitchen. I'd also make sure they could get to comfy chairs to sit down without breaking their necks. Then leave everything else as it is unless you particularly want to clean and tidy. They are coming to see you not your house.

My MIL once brought furniture polish and dusters for me when she came to visit. I guess I didn't dust enough but I didn't take the hint, I had enough to do keeping myself and DS fed and alive. MIL was a stay at home Mum (I have nothing against them, just her) so had nothing better to do than clean and tidy all day and her and FIL spent a lot of time telling me I shouldn't work.

Speaking as someone who spent her childhood living in squalor I absolutely hated it and it affected me always. I think the least you can do is have a reasonably clean and tidy house for kids.