'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

I agree - what's wrong with a man wanting a girl? And I see loads of dads round here taking their kids to school, and you can see the pride nd protectiveness for their girls.

Plus, even in these enlightened times daughters tend to have a closer relationship with their parents than sons do - the old adage, "A son is a son till he gets a wife, but a daughter's a daughter he whole of her life" still largely applies.

@PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain yes I think it is
I have 2 boys and a couple of people have said to me the saying a daughter for life a boy until he takes a wife crap
I never take notice as my brother and my dad both have great relationships with their mums and my mum not so good with hers
So its depends on way more
Plus whose to say my son will have a wife , maybe it will be a husband or none at all
My boys are older teenagers now and we still have a good relationship
Any partners i will treat with kindness and acceptance of my kids choice and thats all you can do for healthy relationships
But sites like this often show only poor mil not the loads of good ones

Just look at the rock and his daughters.

@pinkyredrose it's not weird. To think about it for 25 years and post about it is.

‘She’s actually ok’

What, you mean she hasn’t started nagging you for Barbies yet? She’s a three month-old baby. 😂

I am a woman who has little interest in fashion or make up, and I really dislike pink. I might have secretly hoped my DD would be like me, but children are their own people. When DD hit 3 years old, we were suddenly thrown into the world of Disney Princesses, pink, glitter, fairies and unicorns (most children are not immune to advertising). I sort of hope your DD goes through this phase too @HighlandPony because the thought of your resulting discomfort is quite amusing (though actually you sound like quite the misogynist so might be better if she doesn’t. 😞)

As a young adult, DD has now grown out of Disney Princesses, but she is still more ‘girly’ than me. She’d rather paint her nails than come to the gym with me to lift heavy weights or go for a long hike with the dog. But we have a great relationship. Plenty still in common, despite our different interests and hobbies.

And for the record, my son also loved (and dressed up as) Disney Princesses when he was 3 so best advice is: don’t try to anticipate or dictate what your child will show an interest in. You’ll be on a hiding to nothing.

Get a female dog once this baby is a bit older. (not a joke - people do this)

One day you may have a granddaughter

@Emotionalsupportviper it only applies in some cases not all
Plenty of women don't have good relationship with their mums
No guarantee any child will have a relationship as an adult with parents but a better chance if they grow up loved and wanted

I had a daughter 13 weeks ago and was devastated. But she’s actually ok.

Your 13-week-old daughter is "actually ok"? What were you expecting, a horrible demon girl?

Hoping she grows up mini me and not girly

She's a human being, not a possession. I know "narcissism" is an overused term on MN, but hoping for a "mini me" is a textbook example.

You're perfectly entitled to secretly feel disappointed.

I knew a woman who had 7 boys before giving up, she's in her 70's now her Son's have been there for her.

Congratulations 🎊 👏

Ummm ...

I have 3 daughters. I adore them, but fuck me, it can be very hard-going

Maybe one of the boys will turn out gay so you’ll have the queen you so desperately want

I have 3 boys, admittedly the third time we were hoping for a girl. But it didn't happen and I love him all the same. Occasionally I do feel a pang of sadness where I feel robbed that I should have had a girl. Then I look at my inlaws who had a girl after 4 boys and was the biggest nightmare in her teens and 20s, driving M/FIL to near insanity. She still is tbh. (Yet she is MIL's favourite child who can do no wrong but that's a whole other story).

My boys are getting older and I see myself in all 3 in different ways. It's nice to find shared interests and it's definitely easier to bond as they get older. We have a great laugh. I also have a lot of nieces who I'm close to so get my girly fix through them.

It’s sex, not gender.

YABU. What is it you were dreaming of? Glitter, unicorns and ballet classes? That’s just stereotyping.

You could have had a daughter who loved football, hated pink and shopping, was a tomboy, wasn’t at all “girly”. Similarly, you could take your sons to ballet (I do with mine), teach them to be sensitive and talk about their emotions.

You have two healthy children, and God willing, another on the way. Count your blessings.

Absolutely ridiculous saying. I am very close to my eldest who is "shock horror" a 26 year old man. Why on earth would a daughter necessarily be closer to her mum than a son? Everybody has different personalities and likes/dislikes.

Oh, and please don’t ever let your poor little boys know you’re disappointed not to have a daughter.

Exactly this!

@ahunf why is that a bit weird? Do you say the same if a woman has a desire for a boy?

Completely agree with this!

Yes, it's such a horrible attitude.

Why be disappointed with the birth of a wanted, healthy child? That's what I can't fathom.

The only thing I would say is that as a parent of boys and a daughter I worry about her in a way I will never worry about them.

I know that there is 1/4 chance she will suffer a sexual assault. She will be asked for naked pictures by porn sick boys. She has already had older boys try and force her to let them look under her skirt in primary. She will suffer from sexism and life will always be that little bit shitter for her than for my son's.

Yes, she's amazing. Yes, I love her to bits but I'm really not sure if I had a choice this is a world I would have chosen to bring a girl into if I understand the FEAR I'd have after having her.

Also sod's law if you were after a 'girly girl' you'd have got one like me or my Dd and be gutted!

Whilst I agree that you "can't help feeling a particular way", this also doesn't mean that you should let that feeling win if it's an unreasonable one. In this case I agree with the other people saying that you should seek professional help in resolving this. It's the same as any psychological issue that you might have - for example people who are agoraphobic feel that they can't go out in public, but that doesn't mean that this thought/feeling is normal and they should indulge it.

I have witnessed and heard lots of comments about the topic of baby gender in real life and online and have contemplated on it a lot. I've found that there are three main issues behind those:

• These preferences usually come from not very intelligent people who don't like expanding their horizons. They want their child to be the same gender, to have the same hobbies and interests as them as this way they won't have to go out of their comfort zone and try new things in order to bond with them. This is opposite to how it should be - the children should be free to explore their own interests and it should be up to the parents to engage with them. We have all seen how the scenario of the parent pushing a hobby/interest/career on their child ends.
• The other group are the people who have certain expectations of their children - for example having a child so that you have a BFF for life. This is very problematic as it leads to children who are too involved with their mothers for example, therefore unable to have good relationships with other people. We all know of people like this.
• The third group are people who believe some ridiculous sayings like "a daughter is for life, a son is your son until he finds a wife". The issue here is that children don't really belong to you at all. You are given 18 years with them to enjoy them, to guide them and help them get accustomed to life, after which you need to let them go. Doesn't matter what their gender is, children should have their own lives and that should be their priority. This is why it's important for us as parents to maintain hobbies, interest, social life while our children still live with us, so that we don't expect them to fill this gap in our lives.

If I were you, I would try a CBT-type approach - find out what the underlying issue is and try to change my thinking behind it.

This thread is depressing. Pretty confident that if someone is disappointed by the wrong sex baby then they’ll be disappointed by the “right” sex too - just in a different way. My mother wanted a daughter and is deeply disappointed that I’m nothing like her and she hasn’t got to re-live her life vicariously through me.

Try to love your children, just how they are.