'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

This 100%

Why kick a man when he's down? Exactly how is this helpful to OP?

Its helpful in the sense that I think how she feels is justified.

And in many cultures it's the opposite. Families spend more time with the men's family. So raise your kids better than to in

*ignore you because they have dicks. Teach them to buy their own Christmas presents for their families etc.

Perhaps you might benefit from therapy - if only to make sure you don't turn into an overbearing MIL wrt future grandchildren.

@neveradullmoment99 HE

OP is a man @RobertaFirmino. I’m not sure he’s coming back though anyway so 🤷🏼‍♀️

How old is that person bloodyeverlastinghell?

Wondering if it's my dad's oldest sister (though her twins included the final daughter)

Must be in their late sixties/ early seventies now. I was friends with one of the twins. Irish catholic background and large families weren't uncommon there in the 70's.

I guess it's something to do with my childhood. When I was born I stayed with my uncle/auntie's family, apparently my parents decided to focus on their career. I grow up with 3 cousins who were like sisters to me, until one day my parents took that away and transferred me to my grandma's who lived in another city. All of the sudden I lost all my "siblings" and grandma had mental health issues herself. Parents drop by occasionally to check if I'm alive but instead of asking how I felt they cared more about my scores at school.

I was lonely until the 7 year old me created an imaginary sister who I could talk to before bed. Fast forward 25 years I recently started to accept the fact that I have mental health issues, ADHD, autism, and (idk why but) physically uncomfortable when getting too close to guys. Perhaps deep in mind I wished that a daughter could bring me the long lost feeling so I can finally be normal like everyone else.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds hard. I think sometimes parents can assume children are resilient little things when it comes to things like moving house (family in your case!), and it's often not true.

I get you.

I wanted girls and I got them. Its valid. It's not about shopping and dresses etc. It's about identification. I know the female experience and I can guide my girls through that. Teach them how to be strong, capable women. I can think about my experience of being a teenage girl and understand how to be there for them etc.
I've never been a boy! I'm sure I'd obviously adapt to being a mum of boys but to me, it seems like a different job. And the responsibility of raising a good man seems too much pressure to me.

But there will be other women out there who are way better for the job than me, so I'm not saying it's better to have girls, I'm just saying I understand why people have a preference and it's unhelpful to say it's superficial and simply about nail appointments and pink things!

Your daughters experience of being a teen girl may be nothing like yours though.

We have a son and daughter. Their experience has been nothing like ours because they’re very different kids to what we both were. There is no one ‘female experience’ or ‘male experience’. That’s just stereotypes.

@AlwaysUphill
I understand what you mean. But I don't expect my children to have to same temperament and personality as me. Not do I think they will experience life the same as I have. But I disagree... i would say there most definitely is a female and a male experience of life! And I can try to help them navigate that, wether they are similar to me or not.

I’m a boy mum and don’t wish for a girl. If a girl came along, this would be just as wonderful as a boy because all children are special 🥰

I feel so lucky to have three boys, especially having had a late miscarriage. You have a blessing, not a disappointment. Maybe it is understandable to have a moment of regret for the road not travelled but don’t wallow in self pity. How many childless women would love to be you?

This actually gets to me because I have three children and my youngest is a girl and virtually everyone I meet assume I was carrying on until I got my girl but nothing could be further from the truth…
j was so upset when I found out because I had assumed I’d have three boys and I felt horribly sad for her future growing up in the sexist world.
I love her massively and always did but peoples stupid unfounded assumptions annoy the heck out of me

I have three boys. When I found out the third was a boy honestly I cried on and off for a good few days I had always wanted a girl.

But ultimately I had a third because I wanted a baby, not because I wanted a girl. And you get what you get.

Now my youngest is 7 and I adore him (and his brothers!) and can’t imagine them being any different. They’ll all fab. They adore me - there’s something special about mums and boys I think.

So whilst I’ll always be a tiny bit sad not to have a daughter, it’s genuinely ok and I’d not change what I have for the world.

It's human and absolutely ok to feel some grief over something that means so much. I agree with looking at the deeper reasons why. I also agree that I see it's more about the personality than sex. I see some with daughter's and don't envy that dynamic at all. It all depends on so many things.

I see that I have a different closeness and bond to my mum than my brother does. I also see women are often more available and supportive in general as adults than the males. But these are just small examples in my own life and these are the reasons that I often wished for a sister. I still think about that now. Regarding my closeness with my mum;I have a completely difficult approach to life and personality in general than my brother. I believe that is a huge reason behind this.

I think it could be really something to learn more about your feelings and explore it all with a counsellor. I love counselling. It has been such a revelation to me.

I have 2 sons and a stepson. My DH has just had the snip. I am in the process of grieving. We are semi comfortable financially and a fourth would have changed that, would have meant a 7 seater instead of a normal car, we're both getting on a bit etc etc. We didn't want another, it made sense all around for us not to have another. But I still feel a sense of grief that I will never have a daughter. Doesn't make me love all the boys any less. Would just be nice to have a girly day every now and again. Years of perfecting every braiding technique under the sun goes wasted on 3 football obsessed boys though! You don't need counselling OP, just a little time xxx

I find it really difficult to understand this.

Gender disappointment always seems to be women wanting girls, never the other way round.

What exactly is it that people believe a girl will bring them that a boy won't? Every possible reason is nothing more than a stereotype.

I hate that BS about daughter for life and sons just piss off and join their new family. It's 2022 and this is not the case anymore. These outdated views are why some people gloat about having daughters and others 'grieve' for the daughters they dreamed for and never got.

I had 1 ds (who i nearly lost in infancy) when I fell pregnant with my second child. We went to the first scan hoping it would be a girl. Unfortunately the scan showed the baby had a life limiting condition & the baby wasn't viable. I had a termination.
I had given up having another child, it took another 5 years but I then had another ds. We would have loved a little girl & often daydreamed about what we would have named her.
However I love being a boy mum, I honestly am happy with my son's & have a wonderful relationship with my eldest ds girlfriend who calls me her second mum.

It's all bullshit about a daughter being a daughter for life and 'girly' days.

What exactly is a girly day? I'm a woman and I'm not sure I've ever had a girly day in my life.

My husband loves his mum and dad to bits and so do most of the men I know.