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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

313 replies

thatlabguy · 19/10/2022 23:12

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

OP posts:
Duchesscheshire · 21/10/2022 19:30

Oh is eldest of 5 boys. Mil always wanted a girl. First 2 grandchildren were boys. My first a boy..when I told her about my 2nd boy she actually.cried. granddaughter eventually came along. Once she could walk...mil not really interested. Never really interested in her own sons not interested in grandchildren.cauaws
heartache over the years. I however adore my.lads despite hoping for a girl initially. I am youngest of 6. 5 girls 1 x boy. As others have said the characters make up for it. Best of luck x

Bakingcupcake · 21/10/2022 20:08

Totally get this, I never wanted boys and have 2 healthy girls, but I never found out gender during either pregnancy and either I had of as the anxiety and worry about gender disappointment was soooo real. Its awful to think you don't want a certain gender but deep down you literally cannot help how you feel. I'd love a third but again would want a girl!!!

BoyMumandSMum · 21/10/2022 20:12

Standonamountain · 21/10/2022 19:21

It's all bullshit about a daughter being a daughter for life and 'girly' days.

What exactly is a girly day? I'm a woman and I'm not sure I've ever had a girly day in my life.

My husband loves his mum and dad to bits and so do most of the men I know.

You are one woman. Hundreds of thousands of women would know exactly what is meant by a girly day. OP is looking for a little comfort to know that his feelings are normal. Just because its something you haven't experienced, doesn't make OP, PP or mine any less valid. There is a difference between a difference of opinion and basically telling someone else they are being ridiculous. In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Standonamountain · 21/10/2022 20:18

But my point is that having a daughter doesn't guarantee so called girly time.

If she wasn't girly and all you imagined then would you still be disappointed.

I'm not being unkind but it seems to be only based on stereotypes of what people believe a daughter will be like.

If a man came on here saying he wanted a son to go to the footy with, but his first pint and help with the DIY I bet he'd be ripped to shreds and rightly so.

HereForTheCommentsB · 21/10/2022 20:59

Standonamountain · 21/10/2022 19:07

I find it really difficult to understand this.

Gender disappointment always seems to be women wanting girls, never the other way round.

What exactly is it that people believe a girl will bring them that a boy won't? Every possible reason is nothing more than a stereotype.

It's a man wanting a daughter. OP is the Dad.

I also know lots of Dad's who wanted boys.

Againstmachine · 21/10/2022 21:00

'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever

Do people actually talk like this, if anyone called me bro, fam or any of that crap I would shut that crap down.

PrincessSpanky · 21/10/2022 21:07

My MIL was pining for a wee girl all her life and hoped for a girl when we had our boys. It would be nice having a girl, but I am done. No more here and it really does not bother me that I won't have one. I hope to be a good MIL to DIL's one day.

We didn't know the sex of either until birth.

Catlover1705 · 21/10/2022 21:34

My children are grown up and it really does happen so quickly. I had same sex children and now same sex grandchildren. Your family will expand and it will even itself out, just enjoy every moment.

Annierob · 21/10/2022 22:07

I always wanted one daughter when I was younger but I had three sons. Of course I wanted a daughter but think it was more for the idea of having a close female to go shopping with not because I didn’t want baby sons.
Honestly, it worked out well as my three sons are amazing and I do not look back and wish I had had a daughter.
Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to feel sad but enjoy your little boys.

Overnightoats1 · 21/10/2022 22:17

Three boys here.. both my husband and I would have loved a girl but it wasn't meant to be and 3 kids is definitely enough for us... I definitely grieved a bit after finding out is was another boy but once no 3 arrived all those feelings went away and it was brilliant- A 3rd child is like dessert - we've all just enjoyed our 3rd course so much.. he just fits in and is easy going.. I hope you get to enjoy yours as much as we all do!! The boys are (mostly) brilliant together and are always full of cuddles.. haha- I do look at families with girls sitting quietly and colouring in restaurants and then look at mine wanting to run and play the minute the food is finished and definitely think some stereotypes are true!

Bugbabe1970 · 21/10/2022 22:22

minipie · 19/10/2022 23:39

Ask yourself why you so want a daughter.

There isn’t an answer that isn’t rooted in sexist stereotypes IMO. Realising this may help you.

Insulting to the OP and does not validate her more than acceptable reaction to having another boy

Okaaaay · 21/10/2022 22:48

I don’t think feeling what you feel is shameful or wrong at all (I strongly believe any feeling is valid). It’s how you act on it - that’s where damage / repair is done. See a therapist, work it through, love your sons. It’s hard, be gentle with yourself but firm in that there is a need to address this and not bury it (or keep having babies to try and sort it that way) to

Prettydress · 21/10/2022 23:37

AloysiusBear · 19/10/2022 23:31

A lot of the stereotype things i expected from my relationship with my daughter i get from my son.

A huge amount is driven by the personality of the child, not their sex.

Absolutely this.

Everyflippingusernameistaken · 21/10/2022 23:43

LadyWithNoManors I don't understand what you mean!

Everyflippingusernameistaken · 21/10/2022 23:50

My sister in law had 3 boys, my other sister in law had 3 girls. I had a boy first then nearly 5 years later, a daughter. Thought I was very lucky. My son got cancer when he was nearly 6 and died when he was 6 and 1/2. My daughter was then 21 months old, so does not remember him. I couldn't face having another child for a long time, and wanted to move house first as there were too many memories there. Then I had another daughter when my elder daughter was 7 and 1/2. I am still bereft about losing my son. He would be 48 years old now. My brother and his wife wanted girls. They got 3 boys. One died at 14 months. Be happy with your boys. They may have daughters and you will get to share them.

Mildred007 · 21/10/2022 23:56

My partner was visibly disappointed when we were told the sex of our first Dd. We then went on to have 2 more dd but he was so pleased having had the experience of our first. It sounds like this is more deep seated than just wanting a Dd, perhaps seek some counselling on your own childhood to address how you're feeling now? I'm not meaning that in a cold, nasty way, genuinely mean that I think the issue of the gender of your child is based on your own childhood rather than what is actually happening as I'm sure you'll love this baby no matter what they're gender.❤️💙

Mrangrylivesnextdoor · 22/10/2022 00:34

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet
What I would do is ask myself what I think a DD could bring to your life that a DS couldn’t. If it’s about all the stereotype stuff - shopping, nails etc, we’ll you could have a DD like mine who never goes anywhere without her football and wouldn’t wear a dress if you paid her. If it’s something deeper maybe it is worth exploring.

Either way, take care of yourself OP and don’t judge yourself so hardly Flowers

THIS is very close to what I was going to say- please don’t hang onto stereotypes, each child is an individual, 💐

ilovechocolate07 · 22/10/2022 09:45

Definitely see someone if you're struggling. I do feel that now more than ever, gender isn't what we used to think if it as. Yes, we can dress our chikdren a certain way or have them pursue gendered hobbies but as soon as they reach 8 years old, they know themselves. A lot of tweens/teenagers don't align with gender ideals. I have some of them. I very much doubt that I'll ever have my nails done with my daughter, more likely my son.

pollymere · 22/10/2022 10:01

These days gender at birth doesn't dictate what your child will be like, nor what gender they'll wish to be.

MdNdD · 22/10/2022 10:14

So sad that your parents left you like that and so wonderful that you feel able to talk about the issues.

Go speak to someone about the abandonment and try to resolve those issues so you can be open to receiving and returning the love your three boys will have for you.

I wish you the very best.

As the ex wife of someone who emulated his father’s shocking behaviours, please don’t shut your family out, or abandon them. Please break the cycle. Don’t do to your kids what you parents did to you. See a therapist and break the cycle :).

PurpleCatLady · 22/10/2022 10:16

I do understand this - I’ve got 3 beautiful DDs, and definitely always preferred the idea of girls - not sure why. Though my DGM insisted I was trying for boy when pregnant with DD3 (I really wasn’t - was thrilled when I found out I had the hat trick!). Worse still, day after beautiful, healthy DD3 was born, visiting midwife said to my DH “ah, another girl. Are you disappointed, dad?” - we were both outraged!

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/10/2022 10:35

I would agree with those who suggest trying to unpick what a daughter represents to you and what you imagine that relationship will give you that a relationship with a son can't, and why.

I'm my mother's much wanted daughter and I have no contact with her as an adult. I think she had very preconsidered ideas of what she wanted from having a daughter, how our relationship would be, that we would like the same things and fill our time delighting in each others company because I would be a mini-her and plug gaps in her social life, make better what she lacked with her mother and so on, whether she realised that or not at the time.

Nothing is guaranteed in life.

Marvey90 · 22/10/2022 11:25

I'm a mum for 4 boys! When I found out I was pregnant with baby 3 I did hope for a girl, but when he arrived I wouldn't have changed him for the world! When I found out pregnancy with surprise baby 4 (very much a surprise, lock down baby!) I actually hoped for a boy as I was worried I wouldn't know what to do with a girl 🤣 The bond my older 3 have (much closer in age) is lovely, they are all so close and they all dote over their baby brother!!
It's the future that worries me as many people have told me 'their only my boys until they marry and gravitate to partners family!' However with 4 boys, I hope I remain close throughout life to all of them and any future grandchildren (if any!)!
Gender disappointment is a thing, and you mustn't feel bad or guilty to think about the 'what ifs' but as long as that baby is born well loved and not constantly reminded that he's not what you wanted, then that's what matters!!
I love being a boy mum and couldn't imagine life any different now!
Good luck and congratulations!!

newmum32 · 22/10/2022 12:11

OP I know exactly what you mean.
Before I had kids, I always wanted 3 boys, no girls and was hoping that's what I'd get. After DS1 was born, my tune changed so quick and I wanted a little girl. When I got pregnant with DC2, I was really hoping it was a girl. So to avoid 'disappointment', I decided to find out the sex before birth. It was a good thing I did because when I was in the hospital and was told it was a boy, I immediately burst into tears and cried (visibly!) all the way to the car.
I was upset it wasn't a girl but also feeling guilty that I was not happy about my son. At the time I read about it and realised it was OK for me to grieve about my little girl that never was. I was glad I did it then because when DS2 was born I was able to focus on him and immediately fell in love with him.
Basically what I'm saying is its OK to be upset and grieve about your little girl.

April506 · 22/10/2022 13:46

I get it .pregnancy 3 I prepped for a boy , names , clothes , plans , everything . I already had 2 boys and was ready for boy 3 . But I would have liked a girl but didn’t want to feel disappointed.
turns out it was a girl . That threw everything . But oh boy what a surprise