'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

Women bore you 'shitless'?🤔

I understand what you're saying, and I don't know what it's like to have adult sons yet as my DS is only 3 but - boys don't feel 'other' when they're your own, at least in my experience.

I also prefer the company of other women and feel that I 'get' them more, but my DS is not like any of those adult men that I don't understand, or any of the child boys from when I was at school. He is mine. In fact, he's the only person in the world who I feel that I really do understand, because I have been aware of every litle thing that has happened in his life. I know how he reacts to things, his character, what makes him laugh. When he does or says something that confuses people, I almost always know what he means and why he's saying it. I see me and my DP reflected back in him, he is so like me in his mannerisms and in what he likes to do, and even the things that are different about him I feel that I understand because they're part of him. I'm sure I would feel the same about a girl, but my point is that your own children are yours, and the bond that I feel, and how much I 'get' them, goes far beyond whether we have the same sex.

There’s also an aspect of feeling gender loneliness in a family. It doesn’t mean you don’t love everyone but if you are the sole woman or man in a large family of the other gender, that surely has effects. A woman, for example, is never going to have a daughter to moan about periods with. A man isn’t going to have a son to teach about chatting up the girls or shaving or whatever. It’s all small fry stuff but the small things matter to people.

But the daughter might not actually want to moan about periods. And the boy might be gay.

It's a wind-up post.

Might, yes, but in the main stereotypes are a reflection of the most typical scenario, otherwise the stereotype would be the other thing! A woman in a family with 3 daughters is going to have a different life than one with 3 sons. On average. Yes, there will be the occasional family where all three sons will naturally turn out as gay ballet dancers.

Feeling outnumbered by gender is a real thing and while it shouldn’t factor into people’s decisions and affections, it’s hard to understand unless you’ve been in such a lop sided situation.

I hope your kids have got a role model in their lives who isn't as misogynistic as you are. I dread to think how bad your deleted posts were if this is the one that stayed.

There’s also an aspect of feeling gender loneliness in a family. It doesn’t mean you don’t love everyone but if you are the sole woman or man in a large family of the other gender, that surely has effects. A woman, for example, is never going to have a daughter to moan about periods with. A man isn’t going to have a son to teach about chatting up the girls or shaving or whatever. It’s all small fry stuff but the small things matter to people

I moan to my husband and sons about my periods all the time 🤷‍♀️ they're much more sympathetic than my mum because they don't know I'm exaggerating

Sorry you're feeling this way, it is a real problem. Yes definitely see someone to help work through it.

I have 2 girls and they are stereotypical girly and we do things like face masks, nails, shopping, watching reality crap on tv. Exactly what I'd hoped for when imaging our relationship whilst pregnant with them. One is slightly tom boyish but still enjoys the above. They are very close and I'm so grateful they have that as i was never close with my brother - we had zero similar interests, he loved football/cars etc and i did not!

So i 100% get why you may feel sad if you'd pictured a girl and now have a boy. And i get you aren't saying you don't love him, just recognising you feel the disappointment.

I totally understand and sympathise OP. When I had a girl after having 3 boys I actually shouted "thank God"! as she came out and I saw she didn't have a willy!
I hadn't even realised how much I wanted a girl until that moment - it was a Freudian slip (admittedly there was some relief in the pain being over too 😂).

I think it's just nature for lots of women to imagine they'll have a daughter one say and do all the things with her they themselves enjoyed - obviously life doesn't work that way though, it doesn't mean you love your boys any less.

I knew someone who kept having girls because she was desperate for a boy. She also made no bones about it that she had never wanted girls at all, and preferred boys.

She, too finally got a grandchild of her preferred sex, but it ruined her relationship with her daughters, and her grand-daughters are just part of the woodwork to her. It was very sad.

Being disappointed with what you've been given in life beyond your control, and ruminating on how you wish it were different, is futile.

You can acknowledge you'd have liked a daughter and that you're sad you won't have one, and decide to embrace the joy in life you do have with 2 sons.

Choose to live a full and happy life despite not getting exactly what you wanted. This is the secret to a happy life.
Despite what we imagine getting what we want isn't the route to happiness.

You can feel sad about this and choose not to let it impact on experiencing the joy of what you do have.

Everyone says you can't change how you feel, but that's not true. You change how you feel by how you see your situation and how you respond to it.

I have 2 grown sons. I'd have liked a daughter. I decided: so I didn't get exactly what I wanted (who does in life?) but what I did get was the most amazing gift ever and I've been thankful every day for it.
It's the only way to live.

I have to tell you, OP, that when we were clearing out my DMIL's things after she passed, we found a bunch of the most beautiful baby girl dresses. DH was born 12 years after his DB2 and 14 after DB1 and was the only one born in the UK. My best guess is, in the days before scans, DMIL had thought/hoped that DH was a girl!
DH always says though, that because he was very much the youngest of three boys, he was taught things (like how to cook and help in the kitchen) that his brothers weren't (traditional non European family, so boys not expected to do so) - but because there was nobody else, he sort of slotted into that role. And I have observed that so often people who have all of one sex, and then finally have one of the other (and I am thinking about people with four or five at least here), do end up, overtly or covertly, spoiling the youngest, and it is not good for either them or the other siblings. So you might want to think about it as being in fact best for your family, - best for your existing boys and best for the one on the way! That might help you manage the disappointment (which is real, and as people say, you may need time to grieve). But once the latest arrival comes, likely you will be smitten with their own particular personality. I don't think DH ever suffered because it turned out he wasn't a girl.

at age 36, your friends are gearing up to become grandparents?!
We probably live in very different demographics. 36 is a very normal age to be a parent and for me at least, a very weird age to become a grandparent.

I worried about this too, now I love being the mum to three men, it makes me feel
really special in the family.
I do treasure the time with my girl friends and we enjoy talking about ‘girly’ stuff.
I don’t have a sister either.

How is it weird for a man to want a daughter?

Guys I think we should lay off HighlandPony - she is in the trenches with an unexpected newborn, a good 10 years after thinking she was done and having pictured her life as just parenting her existing boys. Also sounds like support network of friends have moved on from that baby stage and she doesn't have the same network as the first time round. It must be tough!

@HighlandPony I'm sure that you will love your girl whether she is like you or not! Also to say that 36 is normal around here for a second (or even first !) so don't worry.

I have two boys and really wanted a girl. I was very disappointed at the time. But now I am 99% over it. My youngest is now four.

I have a friend who has four; three boys and the youngest is a girl. She was trying for a girl. And believe me her life is no picnic. She is not a happy person. Her middle boys have classic middle child syndrome and constantly play up for attention. And the youngest is difficult too. I think the boys know she was trying for a girl. She is constantly running around, stressed out all the time.

I would reflect as to why you wanted a girl. For me it was because I don’t have a great relationship with my mum and I wanted a great relationship with my daughter. I also believe that you see girls more when they grow up then you do boys.

But I see now that this is a fantasy. There are so many things that could happen even if I did have a girl that would not be the picture I had in my mind. The list is endless of what could happen. The least morbid/: tragic would be this imaginary girl would move to Australia and wouldn’t see her very often.
Who knows. There are no guarantees in this life. So enjoy what you have. Life doesn’t owe you anything.

Don’t be too hard on yourself you will get there. Focus on the positive.
Congratulations and I hope you enjoy your family life.

I understand OP and think you are entitled to these feelings. However, sadly, there isn't anything you can do and it will be a feeling you have to live with.

I think sex/gender disappointment is very real and taboo even though its fairly common. Im currently 20 weeks pregnant just found out im having a much wanted girl after a traumatic miscarriage but even i acknowledge i would have been disappointed with a boy for a few reasons, even though i would have loved a boy as much its the initial disappointment.

I think telling parents to get over it and berating them is awful as it stomps on very real feelings and makes the parent less likely to talk openly about their feelings and work through it. Instead turning their feelings inwards and always having that feeling of disappointment in their child.

THIS
You are limiting your children's lives before they're even born if you believe girls & boys personalities are remarkably different & fixed.

I hoped I’d have a daughter when DS2 was born, I wanted 3 children, with at least one girl. 28 years on I’m pleased to have 2 sons (never got round to the third). We go out together a lot still, exhibitions, walking breaks, meals. My sons get on with each other too, ran a half marathon together, both into board games. DS 1 very academic, DS 2 academic but very creative. They are such a joy to be with I wouldn’t want anything different. DS 2 lives with his girlfriend and it is good to have another female family member (only me and the dog until recently) I would not be surprised if they become closer with her family if they have children, but that is the natural thing.

I can’t rebut on behalf of the OP as I don’t know him. But I can happily state that you calling someone a prick for the reasons you state on the basis of zero information makes you a prick 😊. HTH

Totally agree 👏 people shouldn't be having children if they care that much whether it's a boy or a girl. I can't imagine how people must feel reading these type of threads if they are unable to have children at all.

Some people can't have any children and would be over the moon with 3 boys.

What's meant to be will be. Its done to personality anyway not gender.
Loads of mums and daughters are estranged, or don't get on. Someone in our town is in prison for murdering her mum. Their relationship was awful
There just pur no guarantees.