To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

[canwedoittheniceway]

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

I'm always giggling / belly laughing with my kids. BUT - I didn't used to. I changed, over the years, & became calmer & didn't worry about every little thing. Do you think that might be it, @canwedoittheniceway ? Stress takes over..

Do not feel bad because you saw someone else laughing. Not everyone behaves like that. My daughter is 30 and we are very close. We speak and see each other most days. We spend time together because we want to but we don't always laugh like this !
Most of the time when we laugh it is at at the antics of my grandson.
We are not all the same🙂

Did you not even bother to read her posts? It’s not just the laughing, she says if they go out, she sits in silence, that she feels she doesn’t know her, bizarrely that they have nothing in common. It’s not about laughing, it’s much more than that.

Like I said, we are not all the same

OP you’ve identified something about yourself that you’d like to change to be more open with you’re daughter. That’s a great first step. You’ve also clearly reflected on your interactions with your daughter.

you don’t need to change 100% overnight. Just try and be more open to looking for opportunities. So in an example you gave rather than going with “stop being so silly” try and look for something that carries on the joke.

small changes easily start to add up.

I think the idea of a Yes day as suggested by a previous poster would be brilliant for getting involved with some of your daughter’s interests.
Does your daughter enjoy reading and writing? You could make a game with questionnaires about one another. Later on have a quiz and try to recall each other’s answers, the winner gets a prize like picking the film you watch or what’s for tea.
Don’t be too hard on yourself OP, life gets in the way sometimes. What’s important is that you’ve realised there’s some distance between you and your daughter, you can fix that now.

I just wanted to say it might not always be this way - mine was similar and there was so much conflict and ordinary chats would often result in chaos with both of us upset. She's now 14, and we get on brilliantly. My absolute favourite bit of the day is when I put her to bed; we have the best chats and cuddles, talking about her day/my day/ silly stuff/ serious stuff, sometimes it gets really late and we have to make ourselves stop wittering! When she was younger and full of anxiety and stress we just didn't have that, and I used to get so upset about our relationship (not in front of her!). Hang in there, things can get better xxxx

This!!

OP hasn't been back so I doubt how much good all this advice is doing.

At first when I read the op I thought "how sad and awful to be like that with your own daughter" but actually my dad was like that with me. Nothing much to say to each other. Awkward silence. He did love me though, just didn't know how to interact. Tried too hard and made it weird if anything.
Children want their parents to be interested in them and their feelings and opinions. I think you need to work on finding what she likes talking about. Most children don't like being quizzed about their friends or what they have done at school but they do like to air their opinions and have them treated as important.
Other things that might break the ice are buying her a small treat you know she'll like, paying a compliment, asking for her help with planning or problem solving. Basically treat her as though you are interested in her as a person. Don't be too full on though, and don't try to be funny if it's not you.

But if the op has nothing to say to her daughter now they are not going to have a relationship when she is grown up. The OP is quite right to be concerned and to try to improve things now. It's not about having the same sense of humour. It's about being interested in what the other has to say and enjoying each others company.

That might be true but how does that improve the op's situation? Anyway there are loads of loving mums so it's just as likely the OP saw one of those as one who only puts it on in a restaurant.