To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

[canwedoittheniceway]

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

Aw, I love this! Beautiful example, @onlywishfulthinking

My mum was shy and quiet a lot and we never had that but honestly I wouldn’t want her any other way. As I got older I really came to love her quiet contemplative nature and calmness and realise that she was incredibly wise. I’d look at my friends with the “fun mum” always larking around and trying to join in on the parties and feel sorry that they may as well have not had a parent at all tbh. Having a childish mum wouldn’t be all that useful if you think about it. I was glad my mum was definitely the grown up. Then again I’m sure my friends loved their mums as much as I.
ultimately we all just love our mums for who they are.

You don't have to be silly fun mum in that sort of goofy games way. My Dm wasn't particularly fun in a silly way but we shared outings together to the theatre or shopping in London as I got older and there was always love.
There will be things to bond over if you find something you both feel natural with. Baking or movie marathon like twilight or pitch perfect.
The style thing is a bit odd unless you dress unusually? Surely most of us go about in jeans and top etc? Kids do often go on about a friends mum being more fun or cool though.
Agree with ideas around Go Ape or adventure weekend, something to do together to make you come out of set patterns together.

I think we all have a tendency to look at what other mums do brilliantly and feel we are lacking. As long as you feed, clothe, educate and love your dc you are a great parent. The rest is icing. I’m probably great at something you don’t do; you’re probably doing something I would never think of.

I find my dd opens up to me at certain times - sometimes when she’s in bed and I’m tucking her in, sometimes if we go for a drive. But at other times she doesn’t share much, and she’s at the stage of figuring herself out by comparison to me so I get a lot of little negative comments.

Parenting is a long game.

My lovely dd 10 has ASD and I feel awful seeing other mums and daughters having lovely times. She's so angry and anxious all the time and we never really get that mum and daughter pleasant time.

As long as you feed, clothe, educate and love your dc you are a great parent

what? This can’t be a serious post. There is a shit ton more to being even a basic parent than that, and it’s not icing. Understanding your child and providing for their emotional welfare and supporting them emotionally for one.

My kids (both older now) like it when I tell them funny stories about my work, and tales about when I was young (child and young adult) and stupid mistakes I made, or mad people I met etc (when I was a student in Birmingham, I was on an empty bus eating a packet of sweeties. The 'strange person on the bus' got on, sat next to me and asked for a sweet. I offered one and they took the packet and put it in their bag...and I was too surprised (and scared!) to say anything). I used to love hearing stories of my own parents when they were younger.
I also used to find out strange random facts...repealed medieval laws, the most toxic frogs in the world, science facts etc.
We also played 'would you rather' which got some great debates going; silly ones like 'Would you rather your only mode of transportation be a gorilla or a giraffe? 'Would you rather be forced to sing along or dance to every single song you hear?' etc.

The fact you want to do this is great, what a fabulous mother you are. It'll take a bit of practice for it to happen easily, but you'll get there.

You really don't know the full story. I know a mum who belly laughs all the time. She has 'so much fun' with her kids when they do go out. Yet she works long hours, the kids are always on tech in the house, they hardly interact day-to-day. Even at the weekends they are all at activities. It's great when they do enjoy family time, but it is so rare.
The mum/daughter you saw might go home and have a huge argument. Or the mum may have been jealous of you and your dh. Or 100s of other things.

I do think that’s quite sad if it never happens, both for you and your daughter.

You sound very tired, and clearly have a lot going on. Could you try to clear a weekend of activities and responsibilities so you can begin to relax a little with your daughter without pressure to be somewhere or be doing something?

I dont think you have to become the antitheses of who you are by dancing around the house in a tutu to share a joke or laugh with your daughter. Try start with something neutral - a film or tv show that you would both find something funny in so you are sharing that. Watch it every week together so there are ongoing jokes to laugh about and so that you have something you share with her.

Kids will find pleasure in a lot of stuff that at first mightn’t grab them if they get to do it with you and in an ongoing way. If they can sense you are relaxed and enjoying it too. I watch children’s tv with mine and some is absolute rubbish but if you watch it with them you get to appreciate what they find funny and normally, as you understand it more and the in jokes, you find it more amusing and you can laugh together.

Or watch silly or adorable animal videos online - watching YouTube for half an hour on the bed together taking turns to pick. It doesn’t really matter what you watch, a real shared pleasure will grow from doing it with each other and you will find things that do give you both proper belly laughs and that you can talk about together.

I have rarely laughed with my mum and she rarely played games with me but she is a brilliant mum and I love her. She has always been the mum who gives great advice and will help you with practical solutions. Just be yourself, you can build a special relationship with your daughter doing your own thing. I'm sure she knows she is loved.

That's really sad. My advice would be to find something she loves doing and do that with her. We do trampolining, shopping trips, smoothie making, baking (and...eating the baking), cinema club (where we set up our own cinema in the house, making tickets and a sweet stand), Hexbug assault courses and drawing. There are loads more but this is just an example.

I work full time (plus two extra part time jobs at night when they're asleep) and have two children. It is hard but the laughter honestly gets me through it - tonight we had a dance off to Swedish house music and I ended up crying with laughter.

It is absolutely not too late for you to bond with her. I don't have much in common with my children - they dislike most things I love but when you take an interest they feel special. If you're not interested in their "thing", fake it 'til you make it.

I Honestly find it bizarre how a mother doesn’t have that kind of relationship with her daughter.

Our best days out are girlie days out and about, shopping, lunch, crazy golf.

Actually speak to your daughter and get to know her before it’s too late.

What DO you belly laugh at?? Because just incorporate your own sense of humour into your relationship with your daughter. With my DC we are usually teasing my DH, or laughing at funny things that have happened in school that day. Or laughing at the dog, or giggling at the baby. Anything really. There’s always something going on to point out and laugh about.

That’s really sad 😥

If my daughter gets into a new game, I watch her and play it with her so we have something to do together just at home sat down. I do what I can to ‘keep up’ with my daughter and bond with her.

let’s be honest…. I’m not interested in playing Roblox! But my daughter is and that’s what’s important!

OP you say you feel like a failure but you most definitely are not. Please be kind to yourself and see if you can do things to reduce the stress you are under. Working full time, parenting, running a house and looking after an elderly parent is a lot for anyone. No wonder you are not feeling like being silly or finding much fun in situations. Stress zaps the life out of you, everything becomes a chore, it doesn’t happen overnight- it sort of creeps up on you and slowly you find that you’ve lost touch with the parts of yourself that you liked and enjoyed. You obviously really care and that is what matters. Others have said it too, but don’t compare yourself to others. I hope you manage to find a way to get help with work or the caring duties you have, then I think you’ll feel happier and lighter and the butterfly effect will kick in and things will get easier with your daughter.

OP, this sounds like trouble to me:

"I guess we just don't have much in common, I ask her about her friends and she's not very forthcoming. She likes to spend a lot of time at her friends house whose mum is considered 'cool'. Fashion - she says I have no style. Animals - wouldn't really know what to say as I am not in to animals at all. I just don't feel like I know her."

My kids are smaller than yours but I make (have always made) a lot of effort to be involved and interested in things that interest them - DS1 is dinosaur mad and I've shared in that with him, learnt a million dinosaur facts and helped him build and paint the different types - not because it's a shared interest! But because he's my son and I love him and I want to encourage and share his passion.

I think you should be doing this with her - if she loves animals then read books about them together, write stories about them with her - as the parent you're meant to adapt to your kids interests, not vice versa.

If she says you have no style then why don't you put her in charge just for fun, go shopping together and you try on anything she suggests?

I think you're being hard on yourself in your original post - no parent is perfect - but I do think you need to give your DD some of your love, warmth, attention and time while she's still young enough to receive it. If you go on like this for many more years then the situation will become unfixable.

Best of luck x

Please try OP. At 11, there's still time to develop a relationship. It may even be urgent now before she hits those rough teenage years.

Find something you like about her or take an interest in one of her activities and work from there. Or take some of the ideas from here.

My daughter and I have belly laughs almost anywhere - no performance parenting here.

Her dad on the other hand is generally more serious, but she knows if she wants to ride a roller coaster/zipwire, she defers to him. He also has a magical way of getting her to tell him everything that happens in school. Even though he's serious, she says he just asks the right questions, whereas I don't.

No-one is perfect, but you have to work to your strengths. Now you've acknowledged there's an issue, I hope you can fix it.

Don’t beat yourself up. Just treat it as the universe reminding you to connect with your child. We all need reminders from time to time.

I’m incredibly close with my daughter. She tells me everything and we have long deep and meaningful chats, lots of time together laughing and doing stuff we both enjoy. The flip side is that we take our stresses out on each other and can be vile to each other. There are always 2 sides to every coin.

One of the few rules I have imposed upon my kids (much to their dismay at times) is that when either I or they come in from a long day we have to spend half an hour 1 on 1 time talking about our day. This is every day. Then they are free to be on their phones or whatever. It’s this time when I learn what is making them tick. I also make sure I spend at least an hour or 2 every weekend 1 on 1 doing what they want to do. This is easy with my daughter because we just potter around the shops usually. With my son it means PS4 which I hate but he loves so I suck it up and it ends up being fun because he’s so happy.

There are my couple of tips. Hope it helps x

Definitely time to fake it til you make it. Don't aim for day one belly laughs. Aim for day one the first small step. Try a new thing together is a great suggestion, as is showing an interest in her likes. Don't block off a big chunk of time and feel awkward that you don't know how to fill it. Start with a simple game or chat ideally while you are doing something else if you drive in the car is perfect. If you feel funny/silly is too far out of your comfort zone go for a word game or try to think of something you could tell your daughter that will surprise her and say the strangest/bravest/silliest thing I ever did was X and then ask her what hers is. When I'm getting little fed back I throw in a silly question. E.g. Me - How was school? DS - fine. Me - Was the Maths test today hard? DS - yeah Me -Are you still reading X in English? DS - yeah. Me - Did any giant purple elephants come into science and trample on the experiments? DS - what? No of course not but Billy Jones did try to set fire to his tie in the Bunsen burner and Helen Brown screamed because there was a huge spider on the wall.
I then tell the best school science story from my school days and bingo we are talking rather than holding an interrogation.

My now 20-year old has loved rap music for years and years. I could not care less for Dave, Kanye or whoever. I hate the music. But I let him ramble on, have driven him and friends to concerts and made sure to find out when drops for clothing and shoes etc are and have bought as surprises over the years for Christmas etc. And still now, he comes home and shows me clips or whatever on his mobile that he likes. Because he thinks I care. I don’t, but I care about him. A lot.

You can turn this around OP. You sounds like a great mum, because you actually care so much! Plan a fun day or even weekend, just you and your DD. Get your nails done, go shopping (let her show you what's 'cool - even if it really isn't), go to the cinema, leave your phones in your bags (preferably switched off), forget about work and friends for a bit and just connect. Or have a pizza night in just you and her (let her pick the film). Or bake a cake together, or get her to teach you something that she knows how to do. Plenty of ideas. You will be fine, it sounds like you have all had too many other priorities recently and just need to get back on track. She is still only 11, nowhere near an independent teenager yet, this can be sorted.

I think some things are habit. You can get in the habit of having fun with her. Not expensively or anything that requires great planning, just the odd five minutes snatched here and there at unexpected moments in the day. It would require conscious effort at first. But you can be that mum.

I agree with a PP, I think saying you have no style is an invitation to go shopping with her - why not go on a shopping trip and let her pick you out a new outfit? Maybe even let her give you a makeover. You could have a lot of fun together that way.

I have two dd’s one I’m very close too, but we like all the same things and sometimes I have a feeling I’ve kind of moulded her that way. We do belly laugh together, but as she is getting older I can feel her pulling away slightly the more time she wants to spend with her friends.

The older one has asd, her likes are very rigid and she likes to spend a lot of time alone. However, whatever she is interested in, doesn’t matter how much I dislike it, I learn about it and then research ways we can do something related to it together. When she was little this was easier, she was into owls, I took her to an owl sanctuary despite being shit scared of birds etc. now she is older, it’s stuff like cosplay, obviously I won’t dress up as no one wants to see that, but I help her navigate these conventions etc.

I think you just need to show more interest.