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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

187 replies

canwedoittheniceway · 19/10/2022 20:19

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 19/10/2022 20:21

You’re not a failure. But it is something you can change if you want to. You just do it.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 19/10/2022 20:22

I’m sure your daughter loves you and you’re a great mum.
But what’s stopping you trying something fun?

lunar1 · 19/10/2022 20:23

Can you find something to do together to give you some common ground.

RedHelenB · 19/10/2022 20:23

You've never belly laughed with your child? Does seem unusual tbh.

Original poster
canwedoittheniceway · 19/10/2022 20:25

RedHelenB · 19/10/2022 20:23

You've never belly laughed with your child? Does seem unusual tbh.

No, sadly never. I've laughed don't get me wrong but more a 'oh don't be so silly' and we move on.

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 19/10/2022 20:25

I doubt very much that they get on that well ALL the time. You are seeing a public snapshot.

You are not a failure, Flowers but is there some reason why you never have laughs and giggles and fun with your daughter? Were you starved of it as a child? Did you have strict/uptight not-very-affectionate parents?

JuliaGooliaaa · 19/10/2022 20:26

Jealousy can be such a useful emotion when it shines a light on something we lack/want in our own lives. I’m sure you can find a way to bring more fun into your interactions with your daughter. It doesn’t have to be like the mum in the restaurant, nothing forced, but something you both enjoy

girlfriend44 · 19/10/2022 20:28

It dosent mean that mum and daughter will have a great bond when the girls older whereas you might.
Shouldn't ever compare .

Flittingaboutagain · 19/10/2022 20:28

This is so sad. What's made you so serious and are you up for changing? When you say you sit in silence does that mean your daughter has been expected to grow up and lead the conversation? Do you initiate playful or fun times at all?

JuliaGooliaaa · 19/10/2022 20:30

canwedoittheniceway · 19/10/2022 20:25

No, sadly never. I've laughed don't get me wrong but more a 'oh don't be so silly' and we move on.

Show quote history

I don’t remember belly laughs with my own mum OP, she was often quite stressed when I was a child. But we’re really close anyway, it’s not such a big deal. I do have funny/silly times with my own DD, honestly because I enjoy it as much as she does. Don’t be so tough on yourself.

clementine89 · 19/10/2022 20:30

Sending you hugs OP, it's horrible to feel like that about your parenting. Try and remember all the positive things you bring to your daughter's life - I am sure she is well cared for, safe and has her needs met - I'm certain you cover all the essentials of parenthood.

Why not try and include some fun, silly things - dance parties in the kitchen, silly walk competitions in the hall, lip syncing in the car. The more your daughter sees you unwind, relax and show your fun side the more she'll be willing to do the same.

I find it so hard to remember to be "fun" with my children. Once everyone's fed, dressed, the house is cleaned and I've done all our life admin I'm absolutely wiped - no energy left to be a "fun mum." Sometimes I have to remind myself to prioritise it, even if it means setting aside some of the more practical tasks.

Be kind to yourself and make sure you acknowledge all the things you do bring to your daughter's life rather than just focusing on what you feel is lacking.

Hugasauras · 19/10/2022 20:32

Bless you, OP. What was your own childhood like?

There's a book by Philippa Perry called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, that is interesting in picking apart your own parenting methods and approaches and relating them back to the way you were brought up. Were your parents quite serious and maybe disapproving of 'silly' behaviour?

Newusernameaug · 19/10/2022 20:32

My dsis and I discussed this when we had children - our parents never played with us so we didn’t know how to with our children.

we both made an effort to play with them, start by asking more questions, maybe doing games with them that they enjoy, playing paper scissors rocks, Google ideas!

Anniefrenchfry · 19/10/2022 20:32

This is very sad, do you understand what makes you this way? Do you have fun with anyone, belly laughs with friends or your husband?

why do you sit in silence if you go out with her, do you not ask her questions about herself, talk about school, her friends, clothes , animals, anything?

lastly are you suffering from any mental illness, like depression?

Areyouactuallyserious · 19/10/2022 20:32

Are you serious in all aspects of life or just as parent, what do you think is stopping you from trying to have fun with your daughter?

You mention that you don’t have much to talk about, your daughter probably needs/expects you to take a lead in conversations over a meal, do you struggle to think of things to say or ask her, or does she not respond much when you ask her questions?

Revolvingwhore · 19/10/2022 20:33

A huge public display like this does not mean a perfect relationship you know? If you're trying hard to be a good mum, then you're already doing it right. Don't be so hard on yourself.

7Worfs · 19/10/2022 20:34

Do you do any fun activities on weekends, like playing board/card games, film nights with popcorn, a bit of girly pampering etc?
Do you know her interests and partake in appropriate ways?
If not - start making steps towards it, not too fast, and don’t force it. She’ll reject some things, just be there and offer your time and attention.

Miriam101 · 19/10/2022 20:34

A lot of this is down to personality. Maybe you're just a more serious person. Maybe your daughter is too. There's nothing wrong with that! The only thing that matters is you love each other.

Original poster
canwedoittheniceway · 19/10/2022 20:36

Anniefrenchfry · 19/10/2022 20:32

This is very sad, do you understand what makes you this way? Do you have fun with anyone, belly laughs with friends or your husband?

why do you sit in silence if you go out with her, do you not ask her questions about herself, talk about school, her friends, clothes , animals, anything?

lastly are you suffering from any mental illness, like depression?

Some friends and my husband years ago we would but I'm stressed a lot of the time. I'm working full time, daughter has lots of after school activities, caring for an elderly mother, and trying to keep on top of everything else.

Not suffering from anything other than stress, I still find enjoyment in things and I still am productive etc.

I guess we just don't have much in common, I ask her about her friends and she's not very forthcoming. She likes to spend a lot of time at her friends house whose mum is considered 'cool'. Fashion - she says I have no style. Animals - wouldn't really know what to say as I am not in to animals at all. I just don't feel like I know her.

OP posts:
Gistbury · 19/10/2022 20:36

JuliaGooliaaa · 19/10/2022 20:26

Jealousy can be such a useful emotion when it shines a light on something we lack/want in our own lives. I’m sure you can find a way to bring more fun into your interactions with your daughter. It doesn’t have to be like the mum in the restaurant, nothing forced, but something you both enjoy

This is an insightful and brilliant response

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2022 20:37

Do you like and watch funny films together? Do you discuss funny things that happened at school? Are you, when it really comes down to it, people who enjoy a laugh?

My mum has a tin ear for comedy, never watches them, can't tell a joke and wouldn't want to. DD and me quote Pitch Perfect to each other and laugh constantly. Because we want to.

Does your DD laugh and play games with others?

Anon778833 · 19/10/2022 20:38

What you saw is only a tiny snapshot of their life.

Topgub · 19/10/2022 20:38

Are you embarrassed easily? Don't like being seen as silly?

What makes you laugh?

What makes your dd laugh?

What does she like /like to talk about?

Maybe you could work on that

However I'm always wary of oooohhhh loookkk at mmmeeee. Look how great a parent I am types.

The mum you saw could have been one of those, all front

ThingsIhavelearnt · 19/10/2022 20:39

canwedoittheniceway · 19/10/2022 20:36

Some friends and my husband years ago we would but I'm stressed a lot of the time. I'm working full time, daughter has lots of after school activities, caring for an elderly mother, and trying to keep on top of everything else.

Not suffering from anything other than stress, I still find enjoyment in things and I still am productive etc.

I guess we just don't have much in common, I ask her about her friends and she's not very forthcoming. She likes to spend a lot of time at her friends house whose mum is considered 'cool'. Fashion - she says I have no style. Animals - wouldn't really know what to say as I am not in to animals at all. I just don't feel like I know her.

Show quote history

Do what she wants not you. Read a book together. Go to a zoo.

mess about

have a yes day - she decides what you have to do eg pull a face, wear a tutu

if you want to you can

Anniefrenchfry · 19/10/2022 20:40

What do you mean you don’t have much in common? She’s not your mate she’s your child; you have absolutely everything in common with her.

and as a parent you should be interested, in her school work, her friends, her hobbies, her clubs, thr music she likes, clothes she likes, even what kind of pyjamas she likes.

you sound like you have no interest in her and she’s pulled away from you as she knows it.

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