To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

[canwedoittheniceway]

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

Remember that was just a snap shot, that mum might have been performance parenting.

Why not book some nice 1:1 stuff with DD? This half term me and DH are both doing 1:1 with each kid. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Some local examples: walk in park, cafe, board game cafe, swimming, ice skating, theatre, science museum, art session at local gallery, movie night at home. Anything!

Sorry OP but saying you don’t have anything in common is a cop out. What you mean is you don’t make time for your DD to have fun together. If you want to you can. You don’t have to chat and have things in common, you just need to play games - the kind of games you observed. It’s not too late, stop making excuses.

Of course 1:1 at bedtime etc too. We talk about our days each night. Could start introducing that.

I don't know why people feel the need to put others down to lift OP up. Absolutely no reason to doubt this mother and daughter have a lovely fun relationship.

My mum's my best friend - and I think the reason for this is, she doesn't have any barriers with me.

When I was 11 she treated me completely as an adult girlfriend. We would gossip, share our troubles, laugh and have fun.

There's downsides to a relationship like this of course (I learnt a lot about my mum very young, maybe too young) - but if you want a more fun relationship with your daughter I'd think about how you felt at 11 and start treating your daughter like an adult friend, I'm sure she'd appreciate it and respond. It's definitely within your control to open up and build that type of relationship - she's quite old now so you can talk to her and joke with her on a more adult level.

This. DD still wants me at bedtime. Car rides are also good. Dinners at home. Dog walks. Beach walk. Cooking. Anywhere you are forced to talk but not terribly stressful.

And the nothing in common thing. My mum did an O level (remember them) in my brother's university course just to be able to talk to him. You create communality. I learned more about bloody reptiles than I ever wanted to. And My Little Ponies, even DH has a favourite Pony (Applejack) because DD loved them.

Worth saying my mum's about 60 now and I'm in my 30s ... Our relationship never changed, we're still best friends

Take her with you shopping clothes for yourself, ask her advice?

What's your relationship with your own mum like?

Absolutely agree.

and the statements the op made about not knowing her, sitting in silence, not having anything in common is deeply disturbing and dysfunctional. As is the gentle alluding to its the child’s fault..she prefers the other mum, doesn’t like my clothes, isn’t forth coming. This is one hundred percent on the op.

op if you want to fix this then spend time talking to your child. Persevere if she’s had years of emotional neglect. You have time to fix this. But to fix it you need to genuinely be interested in her as a person, to Really want to get to know her, to spend time with her, to support her.

how is your husbands relationship with her? Is he also saying he’s nothing in common with her and doesn’t know her?

It’s not too late to start building the relationship you want with your daughter.
You get out what you put in with your children and saying you are busy and have a stressful life is a cop out imo. You don’t just ‘have nothing in common’ with such a young child! You should just be interested in her life, interested in what she finds interesting.

Start making your relationship a priority, a close bond doesn’t just happen, you have to regularly and consistently put the work in.

You could try doing something completely new to both of you so you're both learning something new together. You could try ice skating (which will give you both lots of giggles), horse riding, high ropes or something much cheaper like crafts, jigsaws etc.

I always find this an odd response. It doesn't sound like a huge public display, it sounds like a parent and their child having fun together. Not everything is performance parenting, some people are just cheerful.

Amazing username, though!

Start a hobby together
Sport, language, books, old movies, trying all ice cream flavours etc

Fashion - she says I have no style. Animals - wouldn't really know what to say as I am not in to animals at all. I just don't feel like I know her.

This does sound … unusual. I get what you say about other demands on your time but … How are you going to have things in common if you don’t try? Surely her stating that you have no style is an open invitation to go shopping together. Let her pick out some shops and items she thinks you should try. You’re not obliged to buy anything - just engage with something that she finds interesting. And the animals thing - what on earth stops you from at least trying to listen and find ways to share her enthusiasm? Whether riding or zoos or animal conservation or books or you tube - be with her in her interest. You might actually have fun!

How much experience do you have with children? I think that makes a big difference to how you interact with your own. Do you spend much time 1:1 with your DD?

Im a single parent and have always worked with children, if you saw us out and about when she was that age you would have seen a similar scene although DD has never been a giggly child. But thats because our relationship is very different to a two parent / multichild family and I have always worked with children so rock, paper, scissors, thumb wars etc comes naturally when there is a lull and we are waiting around.

Develop a hobby together, DD and I go to the theatre regularly (not necessarily expensive seats) but that gives us a common interest. We watch programmes together, Harry Potter a few years ago, Marvel franchise since then. DD likes satire so enjoys Mock the Week, HIGNFY although that is a more recent development as she has gotten older and entered her teen years. If you cant make small talk on a common interest you can get conversation cards that fit in your bag like Would you rather... "Would you rather legs made of chocolate or arms made of jelly - and why?" etc.

ah OP don’t be too hard on yourself!

As a child I rarely had fun with my mum, she was ‘busy and stressed’ and I was told to ‘run along and play’ (or nagged to help - that’s what I remember most tbh!) she facilitated fun outings etc but never joined in and played with me, I guess she felt like a bit of a ‘teacher’ adult. I didn’t confide in her much as a teen.
AND - I still always knew she loved me, and I loved her and continue to love her the most in the world! Everybody’s relationship is different, pls try not to judge yourself too harshly. You do sound a little ‘down’ on yourself and like you’ve taken this to heart. No need, OP, chin up! Just because another person is doing something well in one way, doesn’t mean there aren’t other equally good but different ways x

’A huge public display’? Sounded more like a mum having a bit of fun with her daughter, pretty normal.

I wouldn't try to mimic what they had.
Have a think about what interests you. If you don't have a hobby now can you start giving some new things a go?...to reduce your stress levels but also so that you could include her.

Could you join a cooking, yoga or craft class together? Could you let her give you a makeover with your clothes and/or make up? Could you go to a spa together?

Ask her what she would like? If you can't find a class together maybe you could just commit to one mum and daughter day per month that you spend together and you could take turns on choosing what to do.

I asked this. OP seems reluctant to answer.

Do you read funny books together? My daughter is 10 and we laugh a lot when reading and chatting together. She makes me laugh until I cry, and I love making her laugh too.

I completely get the feeling frazzled and worn out - but finding time to laugh and play games together (often in the car on the way to activities) definitely makes my day a lot brighter.

If you’re often the taxi driver for activities, how about introducing car games? We do ‘A-Z’ for food/dishes/animals/characters (it doesn’t have to be hard - in fact easier the better) make a wish/break a wish, would you rather…

We try to cook together too, it’s really nice to have help in the kitchen and it’s a nice way to chat about what we’re making etc

it sounds like life is overwhelming you and this could be a good time to start introducing small changes.

Sounds more like "look at me parenting" more like. There was a dad with his daughter in the pub the other week making such a fuss of having 'daddy daughter time' it was vomit inducing.

this is such an excellent point.

OP, I suggest you try to find a few activities to do with your dd - or even your dd and dh. Learning a new sport (my kids certainly belly-laughed when I learned to skate with them - me not so much) or activity - something that requires physical activity or learning a new skill would be great - even something silly.

One year DD and I were on a mission to try all the inflatable sessions at the swimming pools in our County to see which pool had the best session. We'd take a picnic with us or eat out we had a great time.

We watch the FBE React channel on youtube, it shows different generations reacting to different things. it means I can share my childhood with her and opens up conversations. Things like children reacting to a Blockbusters advert, or the 90s advert for the internet, or watching children trying to use a rotary phone / walkman. They also do Try Not to Laugh Challenges that DD likes. Im not saying we do this all day every day but 10 minutes occasionally does wonders for your relationship.

I think some people are being a bit harsh, sounds to me like the OP has deep-seated self-confidence issues rather than being emotionally neglectful. People with a serious lack of self esteem and/or anxiety issues can find it very hard to converse with others, even their own children. They feel boring, stupid, silly, that they're just irritating people whenever they open their mouths etc. Are you feeling something along those lines OP? If so I would recommend being really honest with your daughter saying something like sometimes you worry you come over as boring but it's just that you have some confidence issues, and that you'd love to start a new hobby/activity together that would be fun for her, what would she like to do etc.