To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

[canwedoittheniceway]

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

I wouldn't focus on what you've seen briefly of someone else's life. I'm not a 'belly laugher' and I'm not a huge fan of it in public anyway as I see it as (depending on the volume) quite intrusive to others. So I wouldn't 'judge' my relationship with my daughter on that. If you don't feel you're close, then that's what you need to work on, and different people have different relationships and personalities. Maybe star with going out for hot chocolate once a week for a chat, maybe to begin with most of the chatting will be you- look to maybe doing a 'fun' activity once a month that she chooses? I wouldn't worry about the laughing and mucking around, you don't need to emulate that, but if you're concerned you don't talk, that's where I would focus

OP don’t beat yourself up over this. I have an 11 year old DD and we have most certainly laughed together but not belly laughed. I don’t think it’s a problem. She tells me her problems, she talks to me, she is affectionate etc.

You never know this mother and daughter might have a “best friend” dynamic which in my opinion isn’t too healthy either. Mother first, friend second. Certainly at this age and through the teen years. I am my daughters rock solid base and her mother, I am certainly not her “bestie”. I’ll leave that to her actual best friend.

I do find it a bit weird saying you have nothing in common. I don't have much in common with my 3yo as I'm not that interested in dinosaurs or snails, but she is, so I make an effort to be interested and learn about that stuff with her and let her talk to me and tell me about it and I ask questions and am engaged. Do you engage with her when she shows a interest in something, even if it's not something you yourself are interested in?

I have started going on short break holidays with my teen daughter or overnight hotel stays with spa. Worth considering if you want to be more relaxed with her.

OP you have to fake it sometimes. I am that other mum with the rock paper scissors and the thumb wars - I do not always feel like playing those games, and no adult does, but it passes the time in a friendly way.

My mum is 70+, I was very tired after work but went to the pet shop with her and convinced her to buy a squeaking cat toy for her kitten. On the 30 min drive home that bloody cat toy (unreachable on the car seat in the back) squeaked every time a went over a bump or put on the brakes. At first I was sooo annoyed, but then my mum started to giggle and in the end we both had a proper belly laugh every time that stupid toy squeaked! Tears were running down our faces.

And she texted me tonight saying her cat could not be less interested in that toy.. It’s not just about having things in common, just spend unperfect time together and the perfect moments will turn up sooner or later..

Watch some of her tv programs with her, it helps you to figure out what she likes. It can be anything from fashion to animals to any of her hobbies or sports. There have been lots of things we have watched together like Ghosts on BBC iplayer. My children have also been exposed to all the tv shows we watched as children, 80s adverts and jingles. YouTube is amazing for this.

You can connect with her, it might not be the most riveting thing ever but you should be able to find common ground. We loved Phineas and Ferb. I am trying to remember the children being around your DD's age.

Talk about your childhood, let her see you as a person. Talk about your school, the games you played, your friends. When I collected my children from school we never did the did you have a good day conversation but instead did pits and cherries, ie the worst part about her day and the best. You also tell her yours. Have conversations at the dinner table, everyone says a little something about their day, everyone shares. Ask her what she did in maths or English. Did she enjoy PE today, what did they do, then try to contribute to that conversation. Mine was telling my sons we used to do PE in our knickers and vests. They were mortified.

It is not too late to make the relationship you would like. You just need a starting point. Tv shows or YouTube for what she is interested in is a start.

We're not all entertainers of the belly laugh style but that isn't the only way to have a strong bond. It's possible to have it quietly too. If you start to find out more about her life you will always have something to discuss. You've had a lucid moment and realised something is wrong. It sounds like it's you i'm afraid op. You sound like you have a lot on your plate. It sounds hard, but stop making excuses for yourself, you need to make the effort and learn more about her and the things that interest her. You will get loads back from it and you have time to fix it.

This is really sad to read but good that you have seen you have a problem.

You need to connect with her and see her a person - not an extension of you .get to know her and what makes her tick before it's too late for both your sakes as it's awesome enjoying time with your children.

Play games , bake with her,watch TV that she likes together, a movie night with popcorn , a dark evening walk etc
It's about what she likes not you or dh.
As parents we suffer many many poor movies , music , dodgy make up sessions , tv shows , concerts etc that we do and suffer because our children like them so that makes us happy if they are.

Have you ever done any of this with her op, I suspect not but urge you to start .

If its any consolation OP, there's no way I'd have been sitting in a restaurant being daft with my 11 year olds and finding it fun and hilarious. It's not my humour and it's not me.
However, DC are now 20s/30 and we laugh till we cry together. We share a particular type of humour, that we find with each other and very few people outside of that.
My point, you are who you are, and who you are will gel and resonate more with your DD at some life stages than others, and with some activities more than others.
Laughing with an 11 year old is lovely, but its a tiny snapshot of parenting and you will have your strengths too.
Don't try to be something you're not. Be your authentic self and be open, and you'll connect with your DD in your own way.

I understand how you feel OP . My daughter and I have a strained relationship still. Very easy as a small child but as she grew , she was quite solitary . I had hoped to have a daughter that would be interested in fashion , music like I was , but it was hard when she wanted to do her own thing . By default, she became close to her father , now my EX.

We have an OK relationship but I would not say that we are close. I thought it would be OK and happen naturally but now wish I had put more effort into it. Some good suggestions here , please take some on board.

Gently I feel you've expressed the truth of the problem right there: you would say "don't be so silly".
You SHOULD be so silly; enjoy little moments, exchange a sly look, an eye roll, a quiet giggle when you both see something going on. Find the silly and enjoy her childhood together. It may take some practice but just try to loosen up?

I think some of you are being a bit harsh here. OP was asking for advice, she knows there is a problem, she doesn’t know what to do about it and criticisms aren’t helping are they?

OP not everything has to be hilarious but it does sound like you are missing some common ground. A shared love of The Simpsons or Marvel films would be a great conversation starter. Maybe go and get your nails done together and just have a chat, it might lead to an impromptu giggle.

My daughter and I love to sing so we used to go on drives, wind the windows down and sing “Let it go” etc at the top of our voices. It’s good to be silly every now and then. We also love to critique films, and tv programmes and say what we think would improve them, recast them etc. My DD is a bit of a dork though. Maybe your daughter is a bit more serious in character and wouldn’t welcome you being silly or belly laughs. You can still be close and love each other, perhaps read the same series of YA books and go from there?

x

Just another fake post, there have been lots lately..?

Humour may be that Mum and DDs strength; you and your DD will have your own bond in a different area. Both equally special and unique. Think about it.

@Hugasauras i just bought the book you recommended thank you! My mother was/is a bit of a ‘tiger mother’, and pushed me very hard academically, which I’m glad of, but I’d like to develop a more loving and warm relationship with my unborn child than the often frosty one I had with mine. Thanks for the tip.

@mswales lovely and compassionate advice. It’s never to late to make changes, and it’s always good to acknowledge and own mistakes to your children.

That sounds awfully sad for you both. Could you perhaps start a regular mother and daughter date day maybe once or twice a month just for the pair of you. Go to the cinema, coffee shops, lunch somewhere and take a game to play (maybe something small like dobble). I often pretend to be interested in the stuff my daughter likes just for her sake. Naturally we don't share interests as she is 6 but it doesn't take too much effort to learn about what she likes.

I've always laughed a lot with my Mum and I now laugh with my daughters (and my sons). My husband doesn't very much but that his personality.

I think some people just have a more playful nature, it doesn't mean they are better or worse than the next person though. I've always been able to have playful fun with my kids so it not surprising we get on well now they are older.
We actively play games. Lots of board games and lots of video games. This weekend three of my adult kids are coming to stay and we will spend most the time playing things like Mario Party and similar and also playing board games. It's relaxed and we chat and play. It's not very worthy but it's how we like to hang out.
We also share a similar taste in tv comedy. Things like Father Ted or Toast.

I'd try a few things like that. I wouldn't suddenly start trying to do 'silly dances' that sounds hideously cringeworthy if it's not your thing!

If none of this works then I wouldn't worry too much. As your daughter gets older then you will probably have more to chat about. I always think short little positive interactions are the way to go. So, maybe, a quick trip to an icecream palour works better than a whole day going shopping.

Ugh. This is such an MN type thing to say. Drag others down to where you are to make yourself feel better 🙄

Is it really so hard to appreciate that some people are genuinely happy and don’t see the need to hide their happiness in public, so as to not offend the perpetually miserable? I love seeing people having fun together, it’s heartwarming.

Your thought process is utterly toxic.

Not everyone is a belly laugh person - I am not I don't think I have ever really laughed. I am a measured person who never lets go in public.
But my daughter and I have an amazingly close relationship (she is 18). We spend time walking, talking, looking at things. We chat at the table when eating out.
Don't judge your relationship with your daughter by how other people behave.

I am more like the lady in the cafe with my DD (she’s only 6 though) constant silly games initiated by both of us & I do joke with her a lot so now she gets the jokes she jokes back.

Could you try slowly introducing stufff like this? Examples are, making up funny rhymes about funny things you/her have done, we play the clapping ‘a sailor went to sea’ but I always add something else in, if there’s anything to decide then I say ‘let’s Rock Paper Scissors for it’. We’re always jumping out saying ‘boo’ I’ll get her to do gymnastics competition where I’m the commentator & I introduce in different accents etc that she loves, these types of things we do daily.

also, asking her questions & bring excited, I will say ‘what was lunch, let me see if I can guess in 3 chances’ or who was student of the day today, what was your fave game today?

just remember though, she absolutely loves her Mum!

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum

Well, at least you’ve identified the problem - now you need to do something about it.

I’d say my childhood experience sounds very similar to your daughter’s in terms of mother/daughter relationships. I don’t have much of a relationship with her now, many decades on, so perhaps that’s a bit of a warning that things don’t automatically improve later on.

Are you ok? This isn’t a normal or health reaction to seeing a loving parent child relationship.

My 14yr old DD likes this. We both like the theatre and sometimes I treat us to a night in London even though we are only 30 mins away. My DD is very shy, and a quiet child. Sometimes getting her to talk can be difficult. I find when we’ve had time away from laptop / home she does open up more. I do have to ask questions, she then seems to be more chatty for a little while after. Then she generally retreats back into herself. My eldest son (29) I’m very close to and we can chat for 6 months and never run out of things to say. It can be hard at times but this is just her personality.

Sorry, I just re-read & your DD is 11! Don’t think she wants to be playing ‘boo’🤣

could it be just that she’s growing up & is more reserved? I’m expecting my DD to be like this somewhat when she’s 11 & the other 11 year olds I know aren’t doing what you saw in the cafe.