To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

[canwedoittheniceway]

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

don't worry honestly. the thing to remember is that relationships change and evolve. What really matters most actually is the relationship you will have with your daughter once she is a mature adult - that is most likely to be the longest and most consistent and stable.

believe me, if you have the same sense of humour at that point you will have 20 or 30 years of belly laughs together. that's much more important than what happens when you are 9 or 10.

I would say that what you saw is a normal interaction between a mother and her daughter. I don’t believe they were putting on a performance as others have suggested. If anything, if they have this much fun in a restaurant playing rock, paper, scissors, think of bedtime and when they play fight and tickle each other or play in a swimming pool.

This is lovely - just spend unperfect time together - the rest becomes perfect …

I think you are just a different spirit. It doesn’t not mean you can’t be close though. Try to find what you and your daughter have in common and expand on that. I’ve never belly laughed with my mom but those mother daughter outings meant so much to me. I miss them a lot.

I’m bad for seeing the perfect family when we’re out. Don’t compare. She maybe belly laughs with her child but works 60 hours a week so doesn’t see her the rest of the time. She’s maybe a rubbish cook and cant make what you can. She maybe fell out with her in the car there and was making extra effort because they’d just made up. She maybe lets her do things she shouldn’t. She maybe has less nice things at home than your daughter. The list is endless of comparisons. You only saw a tiny snippet, like a picture on Instagram of someone else’s life. There are so many things that could be better or worse about her life than yours. If you want to laugh more with your little girl, don’t go and sit in silent situations. Go ice skating with her, go to see a funny film, go horse riding, go and volunteer to walk a dog at a local charity. There are so many ways you can spend time together, get to know her better, bond and maybe even laugh too ☺️

I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad at 11, we had nothing to say to each other. Our relationship never improved.
But that was because he showed no interest in me at all.
You have to show interest in your daughter and take the lead. She is the child.

I really think you would benefit from counselling about your own upbringing.

I also think you need to start small. So maybe say to her that she is right you are not any good at choosing clothes so would she help you? And suggest a day shopping where you will buy and wear one top she chooses for you. You can set a budget. If she gives you silly things to try, try them on. And then say how do you think this would look at a parent's evening? Or at work? Or what do you think gran would make of this? Buy say it lightheartedly.
Buy coffee and cake halfway through.

It takes time to build a relationship so it will not happen overnight. But doing activities like going to the cinema and then talking about the film, or watching a film of her choosing at home, all help.

DH sometimes comments that every time DD16 and I walk into the house together we are always laughing and he wishes he had that relationship with her. But he talks to her about music which she loves and she respects his knowledge. They have a different kind of relationship but it’s still loving.

You say she likes animals, why can’t you make an effort to share that interest? You could volunteer at an animal shelter together or go to a wildlife park. Sometimes with kids you have to put your own preference aside for a bit and get involved in their lives. Believe me listening to DD wax lyrical about the Billie Eilish concert at 1am was not that fun for me - I just wanted to go to bed! But it mattered to her. It’s about making moments of connection.

This kind of reminds me of when I met my husband. We both love video games but enjoyed completely different genres initially. He really liked zombie shoot ‘em up games. I had zero interest in zombies but he really wanted me to play Zoe in left 4 dead so his friends could meet me. He took interest in my favourite game even though I knew he didn’t like it so I decided to suck it up and entertain him for a bit. It actually was how I got into zombie games and shows. Now I really like them and we have a lot of inside jokes that are zombie related. Might be different between a parent and child but you never know until you try right?

This is such a sweet story!

Laughter is great but loving and being loved is the most important thing. It sounds as if your daughter has that from you.

It is good that the experience in the cafe has made y ou think about adding things to your time with your daughter. Don't let it undermine you though. Parenting is more than play - of course. It is good that your daughter is forming strong friendships and feels confident enough to be out and about.

I have taught teens/tweens for years and noted that other people's parents were always the cool ones and their own were always lacking. It is probably all about forming that independence that will let them grow into adults.

Are you feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment OP? I wondered if you were depressed in reading the cafe situation and your husband's smile as you did.

My mum never knew me at that age, she never seemed to want to. When you've been told to stop being silly often enough for normal childhood behaviour you do stop, and you close yourself off.

You have time to fix things, probably not completely. But you have to show an interest in her and not be dismissive.

I have an amazing relationship with my sons, it does make me sad that my mum never shared interests with me as a child.

While watching midnight to 3 am basketball matches on tv in the holidays might not be my favourite thing, we really do have fun staying up together, raiding the fridge and sitting under blankets on the sofa. Find something your daughter loves.

Well get on with it then! They only get one childhood!

Go shopping with her and get you a top she likes? Play which would you rather with animals - whcih would you rather have as a pet, a ferret ora mongoose? The other person answers and says why and asks theirs. Other versions are different questions, basically anything so if I’m still going on the animal theme, which would you rather meet in the jungle , a cobra or a rattlesnake?
etc

Perhaps she was a single parent. The bond can be much closer if it's just the two of them living together.

Reading your post I realised I didn't properly belly laugh with my own mum as a child. But she was a wonderful loving mother, she still is. I see her several times a week, we go for lunch and coffee regularly. I adore her and love her company. We are totally different in personality, and that's OK. I'm more like my dad. I've always felt loved and cherished and I think overall that's more important than belly laughs (but we do sometimes have them now) but our sense of humour is just different.

Some kids are just that ! My daughter was like that . Everything she needed and wanted from us on her and our terms , never enough on her terms . She is now 35 and I am battered by her wants and demands .some kids are fucking horrible no matter what you do as parents so even if you have the" family on the next table " your family won't work out as you want . Don't be so hard on yourself .

I totally understand OP. I was the same with my dd. I tried a few times to take her out to eat when she was younger and we never had anything to talk about. We basically ate in silence. I also would be sad to see other mothers with their kids laughing and talking. It never really changed, but I found we do better making a meal at home/getting take out and finding something fun to watch on tv and we will talk about that. At least I feel we connect that way most of the time.

@canwedoittheniceway , my mom and I had a terribly strained relationship for most of my teen and adult life. I became an addict, my mom has serious passive aggressive and poor me issues .. we fought constantly. However, my mom realized that she didn't want me to cut her out of my life entirely and so she started working on herself and reaching out to me more. I got sober, have kids, a husband, and we currently live with my mom while we sort out moving to a different state. Yeah, my mom n I fight, but we have also had a lot of belly laugh moments too... something I can honestly say I don't think ever happened before.
I feel like my mom decided she wanted more laughter and happy memories/moments in her life, so she opened herself up to them a bit more. Which helped inspire me to do the same with my two young children by letting them "help" me cook meals and wash dishes when they want to, letting them make much bigger messes thar I will have to clean up but laughing with them while they do it. Now mom n I are still stressed up to our eyeballs, but I feel like the additional laughter kinda helps me manage the burden a bit better.
My advice is to talk to your daughter, talk to your husband, be honest about how you feel you are drifting apart from your daughter and that you want to reconnect. I know that's difficult to do, but I promise you can develop that type of relationship with your daughter and if you start it now, you can have it forever. Just remember that you aren't trying to he her friend, but rather a fun mom to be around. Take interest in things she likes - like, have her do your makeup or take you window shopping for new clothes, take her to a petting zoo or a visitation farm (if y'all have things like that across the pond, lol), etc. She can teach you about the things she likes and you can make it fun by "letting down your hair" and loosening up a bit. One big thing is, don't worry about looking the fool. Yea, it can really suck getting embarrassed, but to have those close moments with your daughter, you have to basically block out everyone else around you outside of your group, you have to act silly, even a bit childish. It'll take time working up to the same level you saw that mom and daughter at in the restaurant, but you can achieve it if you put in the work to reach it with your daughter.

*so my original wording was makeover, but some things can be a lot longer lived than others, like a haircut lol. If you want to have it be a fun full on makeover, buy super cheap wigs that you both put on and style/cut. If you are feeling particularly brave (and can afford it), then let your daughter pick out one outfit for you that you'll buy (after trying it on in the dressing room). Your daughter is still young enough that reaching a strong connection like that is absolutely possible.
Good luck and sending lots of love to you and yours.

There is also a flip side, and it’s those posters who say oh I’m sure you’re a great mum,to a woman who has just written she sits in silence if she goes out with her daughter, says she’s nothing in common with her, feels she doesn’t know her, has never once belly laughed with her, can’t even imagine sitting laughing with her or playing games, and The child prefers to spend her time away from her parents

no it’s not great. Why would anyone say it is. It doesn’t help the op or her child at all. And if you read the op carefully. She’s not asking how to fix this. She’s not asking how that will impact her child. Or even trying to understand how that must feel to a child.

the op has had plenty of advice to help fix this and there is still time, but that’s not advice she asked for. Nor is it advice she’s responded and said she will try

she is more focused on her own feelings and if her husband thinks badly of her.

I really hope she makes an effort to try to get to know her own child. There is nothing better in the world than a good mother daughter relationship and it’s worth every moment of effort required.

Aw. I didn't belly laugh with my mum as a kid but as adults now we do. Sometimes she giggles so much I cry with laughter . You saw only a snapshot. I often saw photos of my friend doing stuff with her kids like skiing and sports with her son and thought I should be doing that with mine, but I also know of the difficult relationship they have and its not all sweetness and light.
I read a book when mine were little on how to enjoy your kids . Smell their hair, touch of their hand, be in the moment with them. Not thinking of anything other than their presence. Helped me chill out with them a lot

@Redkettle hi OP, can I ask, do you tell each other you love them? Are you tactile with each other? The reason I ask is how you described you and your daughters relationship reminded me of my old best friend from school. Her and her mum didn't laugh or have fun, there was no shared interests or fun activities together. My friend spent a lot of time at my house, and she loved how fun and warm my mum was.

My friend would beam ear to ear if she got a hug off my mum, me or my sisters and she ended becoming an honorary family member.
Looking back as an adult now, I think her mum resented my family as we shone a light on her relationship with her daughter, and was allowed round to the house for sleep overs less and less.

Is there anyway you can talk you your daughter about something fun she would like to do? Maybe if you have bedtime cuddles together, just drop into the chat that you want to do something fun with her and what would she like to do? You could even start with something easy like a cinema trip to see a film she would like ? Or bake together ?

You sound a lot like my MIL. She's very well-loved by all her children, children's partners, and grandchildren.

Everyone is different, and that's fine! Making people laugh isn't the only or most important way to value someone.

I totally agree with this. And I hadn't noticed, but you are right she has not asked for advice about how to fix it or thought about how her daughter feels.
I remember when my kids were small talking to another woman with three young children who said she knew how to feed and clean her kids, but after that she was stuck. She didn't know how to play with them or even talk to them beyond telling them things.
I think this can be as a result of a neglectful childhood.

We used to belly laugh with my mum as we do with our DS. Of course its not constant but ita often, if we are being silly or just someone does something that set us off. Its a beautiful thing, so of course people have those relationships.

OP i think if you are jelous of others having that relationship, work on the one you have with your DD and see if you can find ways of having fun together.
On the flip side some people are just not wired up to be fun, but im sure even your trying will be appreciated if thats the relationship you want.

My mum still does this now and it’s one of the best feelings even 30 years later.that touch.that shoulder rub as she walks by for no reason.special greeting as I walk in.a note left in the fridge on my water bottle when she’s left.
mand every time used to be her tapping the sofa beside her.coke watch,cuddle,sit etc.I could say no every single time.walk out.god it was awful of me and I hate not accepting.but every single time she would ask again.
you do seem a little more down on yourself op. And a bit afraid to make a fool of yourself.that’s one thing g you need to get passed to get this going with her.she won’t care but you need to be able to be silly and act a fool.