To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

[canwedoittheniceway]

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

I wouldn’t let it dishearten you.

My mum speaks another language, knows nothing about my career or friends. We don’t have that much to talk about in terms of politics, fashion etc.

However, we’ve just been on a video call for the past 3 hours, barely talking, just doing our thing, watching TV, having dinner etc. Just hearing her pottering about makes me happy 🥰

You sound like you've given up on your relationship already. Your daughter is bloody 11 fgs.

You're the adult here. Find some common ground.

My dd is nearly 14 now, but we've always hopped the train into town for some lunch.

We enjoy musicals and go to the theatre.

I ask her to play some of her music she likes just so I know what she's into. Not my cup of tea, but come Xmas and bday, I will look for merch from a group/singer she likes.

I always have a little chat with her at bedtime. She cba when she gets in from school so I leave her to chill for a bit, but we do always chat at her bedtime.

She shares a lot with me, friend fallouts, funny things that have happened.

And we have the same sense of humour so we do laugh a lot.

It's down to you to fix this. Put some effort in instead of thinking it is a fait accompli

My daughter is 12. Very different interests.She loves Japanese Anime. We have made a game into her picking a series and watch it together. Oddly enough I've enjoyed some of them. Also cooking and baking are fun and bonding maybe try something like that? I think the fact that you wrote this post shows you love your girl and want to be closer

My mum is like this, doesn’t help she was brought up in a very different culture so there have been clashes but the interest just isn’t there from her as she’s busy with her own stuff, cooking cleaning and doing the social visits to relatives and community which is normal for women of her background so I don’t take it too personally but she does have toxic behaviours which I do blame her for. Anyway I’m the opposite with my kids, I have boundaries but we have fun but I’ve always loved kids and animals maybe I compensated because I felt unloved myself, my 12 yo son and I sound more like that woman and her daughter tbh but it’s because I’ve spent the time with him, something his dad hasn’t done from a young age but now my son is older and more interesting for him he does make an effort which my da doesn’t mind so it’s getting better with him now so maybe your relationship is more like my Dh and my ds, it’s definitely salvageable you just need to make the effort, better late than never.

how about you ask her if she wants to go on holiday, let her pick and make an itinerary together, just one to one (without your husband) and have fun. Spend money and don’t worry about anything. Sometimes a change of scene helps and also try to break the cycle of her reliance on friends, nothing wrong with that but you need to claw her back abit subtley for that quality time. Also, what is her relationship like with her dad like?

There is nothing heartwarming about someone talking increasingly loudly incase someone 50 feet haven't heard them. Toxic? Don't be so ridiculous.

What a sad post OP. It's OK to be jealous. It sounds like it's not your fault in that you're working full-time and an elderly mum not well. That's a lot on your plate.

You've got quite a mountain to climb. I'd be honest with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her what you saw in the restaurant and that you wish you could be close like that. Perhaps your daughter thought you were too busy for her. And maybe you were but it's not your fault, life is just shit at times.

But be honest with her TALK TO HER and be vulnerable. Tell her you feel like a shit mum. Just tell her the truth. She might break down and cry and say Mum I always wanted you there but you weren't and I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I would think she feels the same way. Just try and start to talk. Someone has to be vulnerable. Even if it leads nowhere at least she'll know you tried and you care.

Do you tell her you love her? Every day? And you must have areas of overlap? Is there anyway you could reduce down by one day? To spend more time with her before and after school? You could go out for a meal, know more about what makes her tick?

Aim to get to know your daughter... the truth is that you have to put a lot of effort in to build a bond and attachment.

It wont magic itself there .

I adore time spent with my teenagers we watch films , eat out together, and cry and laugh together.

But I have put ib an awful lot of work and time to foster those relationships.

It's not normal to talk so loudly and make sure everybody can see your display of love. Who are these people trying to convince?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I can see it's easy to become a dull parent. It's not too late to change. You need to take an interest in her interests and don't always be the sensible one.

Of course they don’t get in that well all the time, but OP is very clearly saying she wants some of that. And I think that she is prepared to make changes to make those type of connections with her DD. (And why not, I love the sound of my kids belly laughing.)

I agree that it could be a useful emotion, but OP just needs to practice laughing, doing things which bring joy, and fun.
There is a book called Playful Parenting that OP might find useful. I remember one section where the author describes a game of playing football with Jelly Legs. Could you do that OP? Or sing along to the radio in a humorous way? Or tell a joke you heard?

I love this! Relationship goal for me!

Op hope you are finding this thread useful.

Maybe suggest something fun you two can do together. Watch a film, go to a museum, go shopping. Something fun where you don't necessarily have to talk and can just enjoy the activity.

You don't have to be exactly like that mum to spend quality time with your DD, but maybe that's what your subconscious was telling you when you saw them together.

That mum and daughter won’t be like that all day.
i can pull it out of the bag for twenty minutes or so in a restaurant because those places are boring and some kids get restless. You may have been witnessing some behaviour management on the mums part, she may have much rather been chilling more.
if you can sit in comfortable silence with your dd that’s not so bad, you can try to be more conversational and have drawing/ uno or something in your bag to do together when the conversation dries up.
At home cook something together, I wouldn’t try to be super fun if it isn’t natural, makes me think of that Ryan’s parents on YouTube forced and embarrassing. Try hard to be relaxed, smiley, conversational. Tell her things she doesn’t know about you or when you were her age.

Really sad to read that you feel like that, but just a few things that work with my dd, who's also 11,
We play Yellow car - when you're out and about driving you spot as many yellow cars as you can. We also play doubles so any double figures on numberplates count. We can be laughing very quickly at the different 'shades' of yellow!
I nearly always have music on, I sing badly, I also sing the wrong words, dd thinks I am hilarious.
I tell her she's pretty every day. She glares at me, so I tell her nice things even more, until she's smiling at my persistence.
On Friday I'm going to present her with a pumpkin, it will just appear on the table. She'll look at me bemused but it won't be long before we'll carve a silly face together.
My childhood with my own Mum was difficult and I never felt loved. I want that to be different with dd.
I am by no means perfect, and our family has their ups, downs, moods and times when she hates me, but on the whole I think I know she's happy. If you know you want to change things, you can, little bits at a time.

Hiya, OP - I recently looked after my GD for the day. She badly wanted to go to a sushi restaurant . . . I had never been to one and had no idea how they worked! We had so much fun together, mainly caused by my errors in ordering and lack of skills with the chopsticks!!!!! Sometimes sharing a new experience can be enormous fun . . . I truly hope you will soon have as enjoyable a day with your DD as I had with my GD

I had a relationship growing up with my mum OP a bit like youve described and now as a grown up I'm glad of it. We're really close and always have been and I know when the shit hits the fan shell always be there and is always there for me in a crisis. We have a giggle now and then but never a "belly laugh".

I have a different relationship with my son where we do laugh like that together but he's only a toddler and the things he comes up with sometimes just absolutely crack me up and we set each other off. On the other hand I'm not very good in a crisis and I panic so he may prefer to go to someone else when he's older and something is serious. He knows I'm always there for him though no matter what though.

No 2 relationships are ever the same though and you just can't compare. Comparison really is the theif of joy.

This is lovely.
OP I have silly times all the time with my daughters. But I also had silly times at home with my parents, particularly my Dad. I find my dds hilarious and they feel the same about me, so I am funnier and more myself with them than with anyone else. This is to do with temperament though, luckily we all click in this way. Not everyone likes to play around, or to do silly things. That doesn’t mean that your relationship with your dd is not as good as mine with my dds, just that we are different people.
If you do want to have more fun with your dd, then find films you can both laugh at, or a programme. Talk to her about yourself, she may then open up more to you. Do something physical together that you both find fun. It is easy in the daily rush of work, home, child rearing, to not have much time to play. So if it is in your nature but neglected then find a way. If it isn’t in your nature , if you are more serious, then don’t worry about it.
I have a couple of friends who are like me, two of them play around with their sons still, even though they are now adults. I have other friends who never do this. All of them have good and happy relationships with their dc.
Being loving and reliable are the most important things.

Fake it until you make it.

There is only a short skip for her to become a teenager, she'll be moody.

It's not your fault.

I laugh and play with my DC.

I also eye roll and feel frustrated a lot, I try to hide it but none of us are perfect and they know they annoy me. 😳

We're all just getting by.

My mum was very serious and prim. She would shush us as kids and as adults, too, couldn't abide a fuss in case people took notice, it wasn't the done thing to be 'showing off' or indeed being silly. Of course I loved her, and devoted myself to caring for her in her later years. But I do wish she could have been a bit less uptight. I am carefree with my own children (adults now) we would have been thumb wrestling and rock paper scissor-ing, playing Rummy or Shithead with cards in between courses (still do tbh)

Do have a think about why you might think being silly is not on; I think you might need to reach back to your own inner child to get answers. Good luck.

When I dropped mum off she said Thank you for a nice time. I said We didn’t really do much, next time we will! Her reply was But oh we did. I’m now thinking she was right..

You can work on this. She's only 11. I worked hard at my relationship with my 2 x ds.

But. I wanna tell you about my mum. We are very close. I probably never appreciated how amazing she was. I was a daddy's girl. But later I appreciated her. Now we are very close.

I can't remember belly laughs with my mum! She's quite serious but honestly, in my opinion she's the best mum in the world. She's so kind, loving and supportive and always put us first. I think she's the kindest person I know. I've always been quite silly with my daughter (I take after my dad!) but now she's 12 and just shuts herself away in her room. She only says a few words to me each day. Maybe the mother and daughter you saw will be like that in a couple of years.

Oh Dear, that’s rather projecting isn’t it. People aren’t being happy at you, you know. You make the woman and daughter sounds as anti-social as if they had blown cigarette smoke at OP and flicked the ash over their dinner.

When I think about belly laughs I have had in public with my kids we definitely didn’t do it to upset people nor draw attention to
ourselves. But it was genuine, and I don’t see the need for apologizing for that.

If you watched me in restaurant with my kids you would probably think the same about me but it is because when in a restaurant waiting for food or say a queue at a theme park I try and fill the time with rock paper scissors, guess who, I spy and the silliness does sometimes get very giggly. I am not like this 24/7. I do get stressed. I work a lot in a stressful job so often exhausted. We row. We don't have the perfect relationship all the time but in those moments people looking in may think we do (but I am trying to distract them). Maybe have a look at the film 'Yes day' on Netflix and suggest something similar to your daughter. It may be a way to open up conversation about if she wants that playful silly behaviour with you.

I used to struggle. I think because I was an only child until I was 10 and mainly raised by my grandparents I didn't know how to do it. I remember reading my son a book when he was little and feeling so awkward doing voices and felt to wooden and stupid. I still really struggle with role play games with them because I never had anyone growing up to do it with, but I just kept going and it feels more natural the more I do it.

If I was having lots of fun in a restaurant with one of my children it would be DS2 who is more difficult than my others. If he gets bored he goes a bit rogue. People would probably think I was a really fun mum but in my head I'm wishing the food would hurry up.

If I was with DS1 I would be having a quiet but really interesting conversation and the time waiting for the food would fly by.

You can never tell what's really going on from a brief snap shot of someone's life. Don't try to be a forced fun mum if that's not you. Just talk to her and listen. Tell her about yourself and what you love and listen to what she wants to tell you. You might find a shared interest or maybe you can learn more about each other especially as she gets older and has more of a life away from you. That's just as important even if it doesn't seem as fun to someone looking on.