To be extremely jealous of mum and daughter?

[canwedoittheniceway]

I am a mum to a daughter who is 11. I was at a restaurant today with my husband for lunch (my daughter was at her friends house).

In the booth opposite us was a mum and daughter, the daughter must have been around 9/10/11. I couldn't tell. It was definitely mum and daughter as I heard the girl call her 'mum'.

They were having so much fun, they were playing rock, paper, scissors, shoot, they were doing staring contests and thumb wars. The little girl was belly laughing with her mum, they were both properly belly laughing.

I felt so much sadness and jealousy in that moment I can't even explain. I love my daughter but we have never shared moments like that, I don't think we've ever belly laughed together. When I've tried to do days out or meals out we just sit in silence, we don't have much to talk about and I suppose she thinks I'm a boring mum.

I couldn't imagine sitting in a restaurant with my daughter and being relaxed enough to play games and be silly but I so badly want to. I've became the serious and not fun mum, I think my daughter wouldn't even know how to interact with me if I suddenly acted like that.

Even my husband looked at them a few times and smiled and it just makes me think he probably would have preferred to have had a child with a mother like that.

I just feel like a failure and to be honest, totally jealous although that's awful to admit.

AIBU?

I had a very easy , very fun relationship with my first child. I was a young mum and still had a lot of childlike energy . We’d fool around and sing songs and were a bit like friends in her teen years. This was generally a really healthy relationship as I still maintained certain boundaries and rules and kept her safe and on the right path in life but I do feel sometimes I parented to what came easy and natural to me and perhaps could have done with being a bit more of a grown up. We had a few hiccups where I had to step up and be really firm and give tough love and it was so difficult because she had grown to see me as an equal . By and large we got away with it and she grew to be a lovely confident young women. Many years later ( and I mean an unusually big gap) I had another child whom is deferent and introverted and complicated to me and we don’t share many interests . He much prefers his fathers company and I just seem to do the boring bits. It’s equal in love but less so in friendship to his sister, we both enjoy cooking though and bond over that . Could it be that one or both of you are introverts and you perhaps need to look at connecting in a different way? Introverts are often very creative , enjoy crafts and intellectual hobbies. should you be wandering through a gallery together? or working on a project of some sort , an opportunity to chat and bond while busy? It might be a bit of ‘fake till you make it’ and if all she wants to talk about or do is ponies then you need to try and get involved with that . Then perhaps introduce something more to your taste once you’re in the habit of doing stuff together .

This has reminded me. When they were very little and the answer to every questions was “fine” or “good” I was told to ask more gossipy type questions. Such as “who was the naughtiest in class today” or “what was disgusting at lunch today” or “tell me a drama that happened today and I’ll tell you mine”. It gets them to start ranting and open up a bit more. I still use it now they are teens/pre-teens when they are being quiet.

I grew up with an ultra strict DF and a really soft DM. I loved and respected them equally but I really wished there was a middle ground. I compartmentalised them, which carried on into later life. I was determined I would be much more fluid with my own child. I'm a single Mum so I have no choice now!
I love how I can cry laughing with my DS, it's special. There's always the repeats too - remember that time ......
It will take time, but gradually introduce fun activities where you can't help but laugh. If she see's the 'lighter' side of you, she may relax more around you, which is a great springboard into opening up more as she grows up.

My now 20-year old has loved rap music for years and years. I could not care less for Dave, Kanye or whoever. I hate the music. But I let him ramble on, have driven him and friends to concerts and made sure to find out when drops for clothing and shoes etc are and have bought as surprises over the years for Christmas etc. And still now, he comes home and shows me clips or whatever on his mobile that he likes. Because he thinks I care. I don’t, but I care about him. A lot
This made me laugh because I can totally relate.

OP, there is a lot of really good advice on this thread. Don't be disheartened.. you CAN make changes. Pick a little thing that you are comfortable with and start from there.
I also love that, unlike some other weird poster, you did not attempt to tear down this mother but looked at the situation reflectively. I used to go out for dinner with my youngest dd regularly. Sometimes it took a bit of persistence to get to the topic/theme/idea that got the convo rolling but you have that between you, you just have to find it.

I'm sure it was a wonderful scene to witness, but it's a tiny sliver of a whole.
Don't get caught up in the idea of a manic pixie dream Mum.
Being a constant and being dependable and reliable are wonderful attributes too, especially in a Mum.

I’ve never really enjoyed playing with my 4 kids as like you I work, am tired, have other stresses and household jobs but we do enjoy baking together which has a purpose and a nice outcome or going for a walk or bike ride as less intense than face to face. It’s not common for an adult to be playing thumb ear etc for anymore than a few minutes without getting bored senseless

Does your Daughter never make you laugh?
I used to love it when son made me laugh ..He still can make me laugh, of course, but no longer is at home {Adult} It is a lovely feeling just letting go and laughing.
{At home, so no one need see or hear}
It's usually something silly that triggers it, and the story gets built upon so I am breathless with laughter.
Often you need the same type of humour.

I rarely laugh like this with anyone else, apart from one friend I've known many years.

Do you laugh 'Freely' with anyone else?

Every mother daughter relationship is different. My mum is different with me than how she is with my sister, not in a bad way just different. I’ve belly laughed with my daughter who’s is 10 many times, we’ve also had heated arguments because of her tiny tantrums. She’s super girly, I’m a tomboy.. we are very different but we do have common interests, doesn’t mean I love her any less. You do what’s right or feels right for you and your dd. Don’t try to build of a relationship you’ve seen because behind the scenes could be totally different.

I think it's important to find common ground or interest to help you bond and enjoy each other's company. I'm lucky my daughters enjoy drawing and so do I, so we often draw together in a cafe or at home. However, my DD 10 is heavily into Roblox and that is a struggle to talk about as I don't understand it!

Maybe you're not interested in animals but can show an interest, try to understand her passion. Even watching silly animal YouTube videos together. As pp have said, if it's important to her, it will make a big difference that she can talk about it.

Exactly
I really dislike when posters do that.
That mother and daughter have a similar relationship to the one I have with my girls.
I play rock, paper scissors and staring competitions with my two dds and they are teenagers.

Only a few select people can make me belly laugh, and my mum isn't one of them! We get on well but she is a relatively serious person. Nothing wrong with that, everyone's personality is different. Maybe there's an activity you can share together - a sport, craft project....?

Start small OP, rock, paper, scissors randomly for example.
When watching a film, ask her questions about the characters ie, what she thinks about a character's dress, job etc. This will make her open up and not so daunting as she wouldn't be talking about herself, but give you an idea of what she likes.
When at the park, challenge her to jump to touch a tree brunch that isn't too high and praise her in disbelief that's she's so strong/sporty/strong etc.
Play games where you can let her win from time to time to build her confidence.
My dad was playful when we were kids and still is at 81. Mum on the other hand never really involved herself much and as grown ups, never knew how to be around her.
Luckily your daughter is young and still at an age where you can start and it would seem like that's how it's always been.
Good luck.

@canwedoittheniceway As a child, my 'Ideal' family was one half a mile away that had a really lovely ''Sensible'' mum.
I never heard her laugh much, but she was a good provider of simple home made food and the atmosphere in their house was slightly scruffy and 'Bohemian'..they had a stables and animals..I loved it there so much.
You probably have strengths that your Daughter loves, I do wonder of mothers and sons laugh more, maybe boys are 'Sillier'...But don't do yourself down!

Years later, one of the children in that 'Idyllic' family had a serious nervous breakdown.
The family was not all 'Golden' as it seemed to me at the time, from a child's viewpoint.

@canwedoittheniceway please find the energy to make the effort to have something in common with your daughter.
my mum never did with me and it’s still crap between us now I’m in my 30s. How can you have nothing to talk about??? You must do!! You say you’re not into animals - get into them. Go to the shelter and volunteer together, or ‘adopt’ an animal through the WWF and learn about it together with your daughter. I wish even now that my mum had made more effort with me and I’m still jealous of other women and their mums doing nice things together. Find something you can do together and go hard at your relationship before she is a teenager… you’ll need all the closeness you can get!!! Also she will need you even more when she’s a teen. Don’t make her feel you can’t be arsed with her. That’s a bit the impression I get from your post tbh… your relationship with your daughter is surely important enough that you can go all out on making an effort. Good luck xx

I’m sure your daughter loves you very much! If you want to change then start small maybe watch a comedy together or play a board game that gets you both going! Uno? Scrabble? Cludo? Build from there!

i am sure you are a great mum and being too hard on yourself but if you want more fun times An easy place to start is is do what we do, buy a wodge of board games/ card games (think uno, articulate etc), take her (and rest of family) to a family pub early afternoon on the weekends and relax and enjoy games for an hour or so. It means the kids aren’t on devices, it encourages us to laugh and get competitive and often sparks other conversations. Getting out the house helps as you aren’t bogged down with chores. It is only a small thing but if you worry you don’t have fun with your daughter and sit in silence it is honestly an easy way to take a small step to get you to spend a relaxed few hours together. I say this as someone who hates board games. Buy games that encourage silly ness so it helps you show your more relaxed side

I laugh and have a lot of fun with my dd's.
I threw the " I'm their parent, not their friend" rulebook out of the window.
Of course, I'm the parent when I need to be, but first and foremost I'm their friend.
It's fine to allow your own inner child to come out and play and be silly.

Why do we feel the need to put others down to make others feel better?

All the “ it’s just a snapshot”. “they are probably not that way behind closed doors”, “they will probably not be that way when they are older” etc is just weird. You can give her advice without the negative putting them down first.

I wonder, you say you don't feel you know your daughter, but with all the demands on your time, and the stress you're going through, do you know yourself? Do you know your own enjoyment and activities?

It sounds (and I might be wrong so correct me if I am) as if you feel like you're drowning with all the obligations you're trying to meet, and with no time for yourself to engage in the things you enjoy, it must be hard to engage in the things your daughter enjoys.

Have you always felt disconnected from your daughter? Or is it more recent?

Why not start small and play Rock Paper Scissors with your daughter?

Try to do something every day that makes her smile or laugh. You mentioned animals - my DC love watching cute/funny animal videos.

I think it's sad that you would react smile but in a "don't be so silly" kind of way. Kids are silly. Kids love silly, even the serious ones. There's different types of silly - it doesn't all have to be toilet humour or nothing.

You can change this, start small and work your way up. Schedule time in if needs be, she doesn't need to know it is scheduled if that would make it less strained. Buy a small game or a pack of cards and sit on the sitting room floor, buy a jigsaw and put some music on at the dining table. It doesn't have to be much, 15m slots and build up. Or watch a silly movie and make sure you laugh in all the right places.

It isn't too late, but she'll be a teenager soon, so start now.

Who the fuck do you think you are to judge another person's parenting? I hate people who go on about performance parenting or "look at me parenting" just because they do things differently. No parent does anything because they want to make a good impression on you. Literally nobody gives a shit about what you think. Vomit inducing because a dad and daughter are having special time together and feeling happy about it? Gosh you are vile. I genuinely hope you don't have children. You'd only teach them to be jealous and judgemental of people who are not you.

Interesting to know if you sat in silence with your DH or if either of you mentioned the fun that other Mum and DD were having? Does your DH have a 'fun' relationship with your DD or is he serious too? No judgement, just trying to understand better.

I agree with@FindingMeno - I hate that 'I'm a parent, not their friend' talk. It is possible to be both. You need to work hard on building that close relationship. My DS has ASD and the early years were incredibly hard and I had to put in so much effort to take/gain just the smallest of steps. It almost felt like a battle sometimes but I didn't give up and ever think 'this is what it's going to be like forever'. An example, he loved Minecraft but got frustrated as he didn't understand how to do much. He had zero interest in anything else at the time. I learnt how to play and then showed him. We'd spend hours building. I then understood exactly what he was talking about when he'd tell me what he'd been up to. Yes a bit excessive but that's having an ASD child for you. If you don't go out of your way to understand your DC, who else will.

Such a lovely reply, and so true about jealousy, I hadn't thought of it that way. I agree that you need to find common ground with your DD, OP. What is she into that you could genuinely engage in? Could you watch films, read the same books, do a class together, even an online art class or something along those lines. You could learn a language together - infinite possibilities - don't be strangers.

placemarking. I have the same problem OP. 😩Let's do this.