To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

Tread lightly my arse. I'd be telling my daughter I would expect so much more from her choice in partner. No way, no how would he be staying in my house past dinner time. If she wants to run off with the trashy guy, let her. Two weeks of no decent hot meals, wifi, parental care and all that might teach her a lesson. Tuh!

Just seen you have a DH. I’d assumed you were a single mum because of how DD’s bloke is dominating you both. Why has your DH not chucked out J?! You can’t kill a cocklodger with kindness, he’ll just think you’re suckers. His objective here is to seduce a gullible teen, get her pregnant asap, then move in with her parents and be looked after for free for the next decade or two.

You need to make it clear that you will never ever allow him to stay in your house. Yet he’s already staying over 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Get your daughter on contraception asap, ban J from house, and point out if J was competent with condoms, he wouldn’t have a 3 year old.

You are in a terrible situation and YANBU one bit. On the one hand you don't want him anywhere near your DD, but on the other if you put your foot down too hard you may alienate her and she'll move out somewhere with him. He does not sound at all like a decent guy, but she obviously sees something in him. Like you say, its probably that hes older and filling her head with all nonsense about their amazing future they will have together.

Unfortunately teenage girls can be very naive.

The only thing you can do is limit his time at yours as much as possible, without it meaning dd is disappearing off with him for the night. And also do something or make him do something that would paint him in a different light to her.

My friends sister was in a similar situation.Teen dd, good for nothing cocklodger bf of 25. She ended up sending an anonymous letter to her dd telling her he had been cheating on her, or something along those lines. It was enough to cause the dd doubt and she ended up in a blazing row with her cocklodger bf who went off in a rage at her about it. But I think it was this that did the trick. She saw his angry side, and it wasn't nice. Plus the added doubt he had been sleeping around. (no idea if that was actually true). The dd was distraught at the time, but it got him out of her life and shes now, a couple years later, with someone lovely.

If that is going too far, I'd suggest what another pp recommended. Engage him in conversation every time hes over, when hes there ask him to start doing little favours for you, Oh J can you take the rubbish out for me please, can you just cut thr grass, whatever. he'll soon get pissed off with that and hopefully start moaning to your dd about it all and she'll start to see how unreasonable he is.

Nope, not buying it. Being shy and having little experience do not explain how you can be so stupid as to believe the very obvious lies and bullshit from a hideous creature such as this. He has more red flags than a chinese circus and any girl following him so blindlyu either has the IQ of a potato or has never been taught a thing in her life.
No, I cannot see how anyone could be so blinded to so many many flaws. Helen Keller herself would have sussed this fella in five minutes.

Exactly. You obviously have strong boundaries OP, it's here that you need to have them too.

Do you know if social services were involved in his access to his child arrangements? What he did was so irresponsible, what is the point of having access to your child if you are going to pass them of to the first person?! It is worth chatting about all of this and any consequences of pregnancy for her and any children and any boundaries you have, if, she thought you would want this child around she may think you would be a willing substitute parent when reality hits - make any feelings you have on this very clear. Also you may want to chat bout his current attributes as a father because and why it is unacceptable, what he has done to his current child will happen to any future ones.

The crazy ex girlfriend is one of the biggest red flags in the book too.

You need to pull her up on that every single time she says it. Let's say he's spending £30 pw on takeaways (I imagine it would be much more) - he's not giving his child any money, so he's treating himself but denying his child anything.

Her argument that his ex would waste the money doesn't make sense when he has been offered a free meal but has rejected it in favour of paying for a takeaway. Ask her how that £30 would be better spent, given the huge rise in the cost of living.

I think your husband should say at 10.30, "Right, BF, time to go now, we're all going to bed." He can walk home and get a takeaway at his long-suffering mate's house.

You need a united front with this guy.

@CallTheMobWife Some girls would be able to see through someone like this, but remember girls are encouraged throughout their lives to be kind. An inexperienced girl who is desperate for someone to fall in love with can easily be fooled by someone like this. It's less forgivable in a mature woman, but ffs she's 17 and hasn't really had a boyfriend before.

DD was always very quiet and never had a rebellious phase so I think this is her version

I have kids who are a similar age and they'd insist that they were street wise enough that nobody would be able to trick them. I also agree with your fears that he will try and talk your dd into pregnancy and living with you once you're "family"
I love the "kill him with kindness" plan so that he's reluctant to come round.

Do you know anyone with young kids ? Preferably ones that will whinge, tantrums and might be snotty with a cold so she gets a dose of reality of what life with kids is like?
Yanbu to say no child contact at your house. Once it starts getting cold contact outdoors then eating out will start to get difficult and expensive. I hope that your dd isn't using her wages or pocket money on this ?

I'm on the fence about completely banning him from staying. As would this be likely to push her away too much? Would he use this against her to get her away from you although, what benefit would this have for him as he has no where for them to run away to unless it's finding another mate to sofa surf with which is possible.

I think giving them a bit and being friendly but whilst setting very firm boundaries about how often he can stay, only one night a week max etc. You can use other DC and increasing cost of bills as your reasoning for this. He is highly unlikely to offer to contribute is he. Making it as awkward and inconvenient for him as possible might be enough to get him to lose interest.

I would feel exactly the same as you OP. He sounds vile.

Sadly, you can't prevent her having sex and getting pregnant. But you can make things more difficult by making sure she doesn't sleep with him in your home.

On the basis of the above, I would suggest that rather than having genuine, diagnosed depression, and getting help, he is just a lazy cocklodging bastard.
I wouldn't have him within 5 miles of my house

That's partlly my point re working what went wrong...if you've socialised her to be kind to the point that she is being kind to this twat, you did it wrong. But she's not kind, is she? She's not kind to the child, to the ex, to her mother, to the rest of the family.
The DD is being a selfish cow.

And I do think as I said this relationship makes her feel grown up and she likes it. Such a shame. All her friends go on lovely dates with their boyfriends and I’m sure they have sex and stuff as well, I’m not stupid, but at least there is some romance to it as well. Her best friend is always at lovely restaurants with her boyfriend or on walks. I asked DD if she wanted that deep down and DD went quiet. They’ve literally never been anywhere other than work or here together except that time they pissed off in the night to obviously have sex somewhere.

Tricky one OP. The suggestion upthread is good - sit down and tell your DD quite openly that you do not like J or trust him and you do not want him staying overnight. Say it once, keep it quiet and factual but let her know you are on her side, otherwise there is a risk she will go off with him when he loses his place. If you could get her to repeat to him that you don''t like him, or maybe even do this yourself - tell him that you are not going to let him stay overnight - that might be enough for him to see that he is not going to get a foot in your door, and he may then lose interest in DD.

Don’t be so ridiculous! What a stupid over reaction.

My dh is mentally ill and can no longer work and I understand exactly what you mean. You aren't getting at people with mental health issues, it's a totally different situation. This guy is a loser and I feel sorry for his poor child and your daughter. She is blind to what he is really like. I just hope she doesn't get pregnant by him or you'll never get rid of him. I'd completely ban him from the house. I'd make it clear to your daughter that you don't approve of the relationship. He'll soon move onto the next easy target and if your daughter goes with him, then she'll soon be back. I did a similar thing but I was 23, biggest regret of my life. I soon came crawling back to my parents when I had to live in a dump with a loser boyfriend, had to pay for everything and look after his 5 year old daughter during his contact times, because he was off out somewhere, usually with other women. I just thank god I never got pregnant by him or it wouldn't have been so easy to break away from him.

God OP, what a nightmare. I'm glad you've got him sussed though!

I do think it would be an idea to bring the finances to DDs attention - as well as being suuuuper nice and super interested in him and his day. How in earth is he affording takeaways on 15 hours of work per week plus benefits? He's got a child to support.

So in addition to the great comments above, I think some real world budgeting for DD is in order here. I'd do it in preparation for life after school, but I think knowing how much you're paying for her now may help plant the seed that home is better for her than wherever he goes, and whatever part time job she can get to "support them". You know, the things she'll end up thinking if she stays with him. Not sure how clear I'm being but for example, cost of rent plus utilities against minimum wage job and how often she will be able to afford to buy clothes or cinema tickets etc. A healthy dose of realism, but not obviously directed at him. She may be in the bubble of "him" too much for it to impact her thinking, however, it also lays the groundwork in case she gets pregnant to have a discussion about affording a baby - or how he can afford another.

What are her friends doing? She is likely to become isolated from them - she won't want to mix with someone whose boyfriend treats them well, because she'll know that her own boyfriend shows up badly.

I wouldn't kill this guy with kindness. I would confront him all the fucking time. "Christ, BF, that takeaway cost you £20. What about your son? Why can't you give that money to your ex to buy your son some winter clothes?" That would make for a very uncomfortable scene, which is what the BF doesn't want - he wants his feet under your table with you letting him stay without comment. But you will need your husband on board with this, too - two against one works much better than just you saying something.

I wouldn’t be letting him stay over. Dd is 19 and we never allowed boyfriends to stay over, ever. Just totally unnecessary and we also (like you) have a disabled child aged 10 with autism to consider. I’m convinced part of the reason dd went to university was to be able to get up to all sorts and that’s how it should be! (Not necessarily university but certainly living elsewhere, their own lives). We have a fantastic relationship with dd and are very close - we text each other stupid stuff all day long even now but she knows she can’t just bring people home. It creates difficulties with boundaries.

Her best friend is always at lovely restaurants with her boyfriend or on walks. I asked DD if she wanted that deep down and DD went quiet

I would keep pushing this. 17 year olds can be extremely jealous and it might be the only way to make her see things aren't right. She must have higher expectations from life deep down.

I could have written the OP and her follow up posts myself, apart from my DD's vile boyfriend didn't want to move in. She was 16 and he said he was 23. A bit of digging by me turned up his true age... 31. He'd got a 4 year old son 200 miles away and mother of his child was a 'psycho' who refused access. Aye right!

He bought DD flowers and gifts and we got all the 'he treats me like a princess mum, that's how much he loves me' crap. She ended up not going into 6th form for A-levels so she could go live with him. We funded her college however, but he kept finding her jobs so she could pay his bills in the shared house they moved to. Washing up in pubs and restaurants etc. Obviously this impacted her college work.

When she turned 18 he dumped her for a 16 year old thank god.

J wouldn't be spending another second in my house

Holy shit.