To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

TBH I'd be telling him straight that I know exactly what he is up to because as a grown up I can see right through his bullshit.
I'd also be telling him he's a creepy fucker preying on a naive 17 year old and if a baby happened I wouldn't be supporting either of them.

Speak to your DD about red flags. It's the same script. The crazy ex, him just wanting a bed to sleep in and that she was an easy target.
Ask her what she honestly thinks her future would be like with a mentally ill man who refuses to work more, even to support his own child.
Tell her that in a couple of years she will be the ex girlfriend stuck on her own with a baby whilst he fucks off and does the same shit to someone else.

I would tell her if she is daft enough to actively get pregnant to this absolute waster then she will be living elsewhere with no support.
How would she cope financially with that?

Lastly, there is not a chance he would set foot in my house ever again.

Is always the same shit with these men isn’t it?

They are alwahs a loving, devoted father who’s ex doesn’t let them see their child because she likes to use the child as a weapon. Ex is a psycho slag who spends the CM on acryllic nails so he stopped paying. Bla bla bla

OP - you've done the right thing. I had an AWFUL older boyfriend at the same age who was an absolute waste of oxygen, abusive, had a number of outstanding warrants, and I moved in with him in a city an hour away. My mum was supportive and kind, but I wish, wish, wish she'd put her foot down with me more....but then it might not have worked anyway. I hope your dd can see through him soon

I wouldn't be happy to see his child only, but him too. What a waste of time for your daughter. I bet she can do better than him.

Have you tried playing the TLC classic No Scrubs, top volume and on infinite repeat, whenever he crosses the threshold?

Of course. Full time resident parent ex girlfriends aren’t allowed acrylic nails. Absent workshy verging on homeless dads are entitled to nightly takeaways though. Obviously.

Against the curve but could you offer to let him live with you all, pay rent, contribute towards bills/food etc? Obviously it could affect any benefits you may have.
You can have more than one household in a house for UC but obviously your DD won't qualify.
My instinct would be to make it obviously he's not welcome but that will definitely alienate your DD as many others have said.
Here's what we need from J to have him move in, here's what he needs to contribute to one month in advance, no visitors (DS can't cope) and regular chores. He also has to get GP involved or look for more hours. They want to play house then let them. Keep the close.

Definitely start the kindness tactic instead because making him and your DD aware that you don't like him is just going to make them form a stronger bond.
Going down the kind route might make your DD realise that he is actually not as great as she first thought.
You really don't want to risk pushing your DD away

I had an awful boyfriend at a similar age. My parents had firm boundaries and killed with kindness.

He was allowed to come 1 night a week which my parents had to know about a minimum of 2 days in advance.

We had to have dinner with the family, during which time my parents kept asking him polite questions (this is basically when I realised he was a loser) and he was expected to help with laying the table, loading the dishwasher etc.

We were expected to socialise with the family and not just hide in my room the whole time.

He stopped wanting to come round and I started to realise he wasn't all that and things kind of fizzled.

Right, so you've given the OP a kicking twice now. Is that sufficient for you to feel validated in your smug bosom-hoicking? I think so, lest assumptions are made about you and your parenting.

Like other posters have said, engage with him, ask him about his son but throw little quips in about "what you buying him for christmas, birthday" "when you next seeing him" "what do you plan on doing with him, anything nice?"

Ask about his ex GF, try to get him to open up then question his answers - why you not buying your son anything for them occasions, what do you plan on doing with the son - heard play Centre/ball pool is great for little ones, why not go there etc.

If the ex is mentioned ask why not giving CM and if he mentions she would spend it on herself ask him where does the money she DOES spend on THEIR son come from and this surely should be a two way thing - bring your daughter in to these conversations and ask her opinions in front of him - you will be able to question her answers more harshly if she is just sprouting out his dribble

Jeez do not do this. You would never be able to get rid of him like a bad smell.

YANBU.

Why is your daughter's self esteem so absent?

My DD brought one of these fuckwits home with her. I just reacted on instinct and told him to sling his hook and went a bit nuts at DD. I was actually quite lucky in that DD took it on board and the relationship fizzled out. God knows what I'd have done if she'd have dug her heels in. But I certainly wouldn't have tolerated anyone being disrepectful to me or my home like this arse is being towards you. Won't even speak to you while getting his feet under your table? Rude bastard.

I would be contacting social services. He has no fixed address to take the child to, is deceiving the mother as to where he is taking the child and leaving the child with his 17 year old girlfriend of two months whilst he wanders off to the shops during his contact session!

I would also be advising your daughter on contraception as I bet he won’t be using any. He doesn’t sound the responsible type in any area of his life and if your DD became pregnant it would give him a reason to move in!

I was in a relationship like this at a similar age op.

He was a loser, complete loser and my parents said nothing. I didn't get pregnant (fortunately) but it took me nearly 4 years before I finally saw the light and left.

He never took me on a date, wouldn't turn up where we were supposed to meet because he had fallen asleep affecting being up all night gaming and on one of our anniversaries he forgot and went to the local nisa to get me a card which said happy wedding anniversary. He didn't give a fuck about me but needed me to give him money from my student loan and part time job.

I'm so glad I wisened up.

This. No way would I let 22 year old with child stay over in my home once per week.
Nope.
He can stay over at night once per month. No child in your house ever. . They either cook for family or they go out to eat together. He has to be gone by 9:45 am following morning with or without daughter.
simple . It’ll cost you too much to feed him more regularly. You are concerned about safe guarding for a child with your daughter. Your own autistic child can’t cope
shes 17 fgs.
when she’s paying her own way in terms of full board and lodgings and in a full time job herself, it can be revisited

Ugh, he sounds vile. I hate how literally anyone can say they have “mental health” issues and they can then be excused from any sort of bad behaviour. Working only 15 hours a week with a young child to support? He should be utterly ashamed of himself. Suffering from being a lazy waste of space is more likely. Well done for putting in boundaries OP. Hopefully your daughter sees sense soon.

Couldn't you ask your daughter why it's okay for J to spend all of his money on takeaways but not for his child's mother to ever treat herself? Perhaps he should buy things for his child if he really doesn't want to hand over his money?
I don't know what to suggest with regards to how you treat him in your home as it could go either way with your daughter. But some harsh realities needed on contraception being her responsibility because he has proven he can't be trusted not to get someone pregnant!

Your daughter is only 17, stick by your actions. They just think anything is acceptable. Not under my roof.

i have 3 grown sons x2 married, never met any girlfriend until as my boys said they were the right ones.

Wouldn’t have them sleeping under my roof.

Well done. 👍

I think you need to ban him from your house entirely before he gets his feet under the table!

It's your property. You decide. Not your daughter. And not some deadbeat bloke looking for his next free roof.

Ban him from the house totally. He could end up stealing from you and your husband. He cannot have a lot of money, and doesn't seem to be fine and upstanding in lots of ways. He picked on your daughter, technically a minor in law, as it is easier to fast talk someone youthful and inexperienced into believing he is a keeper. Most men his age would see her as too young to be cool, and most women his age want someone with aspirations at least. If you let him stay over or come to your house at all, you are enabling the relationship. He is clearly trying to get his feet under the table at your place, and that is perhaps the main motivation for dating your daughter. If your daughter wants to learn a life lesson, let her do it outside your house and hope she gets fed up when it is less convenient to see him. The babysitting and 'rescuing' will run its mill in no time at that age if he is skint. You should also try to take your daughter out without him. A trip to the cinema, a cafe, a shopping spree for daughter-mother time and reset your relationship with her (away from him). She may realise pretty quickly that he is loser and will just drag her down if she stays with him.

The "she will only spend the CM on herself" bit always baffles me, or it baffles me how other people buy that. Unless we're talking about Eddie Murphy size CM payments, he could claim that i guess but your DDs BF works part time, what he'd end up paying in maintenance wouldn't even be enough to get that child fed most likely but "someone" is paying for that and to keep him clothed and housed etc Maybe she could go get her nails done if she wasn't paying 100% of that child's up keep..........that doesn't mean he's paying for her to get her nails done

You are not being unreasonable whatsoever!

This J is 100% attempting to freeload and I'd be very cautious! DD will be naive, especially if he knows how to play women. It won't surprise me if his behaviours at the moment aren't the early signs of manipulation/guilt tripping/gas lighting tactics.

Do have to agree with the other commenters about playing it carefully with your DD - I found myself in a very similar situation with a boyfriend when I was 17/18. My parents had their suspicions. He succeeded in getting me pregnant for the sake of benefits, housing etc. It's an unfortunately common tactic with these types of people. Flash forward a good few years (I'm now 25), I have a wonderful DD and no contact with him but it's taken years to rebuild with my family as I completely bought into him and we all fell out horrendously, along with 2 years back and forth with the family courts as he attempted to abduct DD and remove me from the picture so he could claim what he wanted. I wouldn't wish that on absolutely anyone.

DD will no doubt still have her guard up and be more inclined to buy into any BS he spouts and tries to guilt/persuade her with though coming from a place of understanding over discipline (as lenient as it sounds) may be worth thinking over! One of the main issues from an outsider's perspective however, is there isn't much room for compromise. People like this J will push for compromise in order for things to go their way. When things don't go their way, that's when the problems start and it wouldn't be unsurprising for him to play your DD into his "side" from that point. Having him in your house, who is essentially a stranger in regards to the lack of knowledge you have of him, let alone having his and someone else's child in your house, him attempting to freeload etc, these are all absolutely unreasonable things for him to do and no way should there be any compromise towards him BUT the lack of compromise may cause some tedious times. Temporary as opposed to long term hopefully, I can only hope your DD realizes she's worth a million times more than a man who's going to attempt to use her and her family, but be prepared for the chance that some degree of hostility may be inevitable and looking out for her will be the absolute best thing, and probably the most that you may be able to do if his true nature is as described.

I absolutely cannot stand men like him. Let's hope the worst case scenarios ^ are all avoided for the sake of you and your DD!

Stop letting him in the house! She's 17!! They haven't been together long and hopefully she'll know you're actually serious when you sit her down and explain why he's been banned from the house.

He is 22 and she is 17.
He has a child he never sees and doesn't pay for. If he was SO bothered about where the money was going, he'd be sending packs of nappies, clothes, Next vouchers, doing food shops for his child.
He doesn't work and also sofa surfs.
He doesn't respect your family or make an effort even though he's stopping for free under your roof.

It's a no from me. I hope it wouldn't push her away, I would hope that she'd been raised with enough common sense.

Your house, your rules.

Definitely don't invite him to move in, whoever commented that is mental.