To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

I nearly lost it with him the other night. Ordered a takeaway in the early hours and it was late and I could hear him swearing about it and having a go at the driver when it turned up. He woke me up.

It’s a shame you let him stay even one night. I wouldn’t be facilitating this at all.

I expect your dd doesn’t have much experience with little ones so surely she will find that it’s not much fun to be in a relationship with a little toddler around (poor kid.)

Do you know the mother of the child and let her know what happened today? Poor child with a dad like that.

I hate to say it but my friends daughter met someone similar at the exact same ages as yours and she ended up moving out and pregnant within 6 months. She ignored all the warnings from relatives and friends but would hear none of it. It wasn't until 6 months after having her own DD did she realise that he was infact a lazy dead beat cock lodger who now has nothing to do with 2 kids. Being 17 with a baby was, and still is, a painful life lesson for her. The impact has been huge. I really hope your daughter is using protection.

YABU (although I voted that you aren't) simply for saying you don't want the child there when you should be saying you don't want him there. Your daughter is a child - a child should not be left babysitting another child anywhere that the responsible adult is not aware of.

His MH problems aren't relevant, nor is the fact he's not working, staying with family, hasn't taken DD out on a date, only eats takeaways etc. All of that is why you don't like him but it doesn't actually matter - they're all red herrings. Your DD, at 17, is old enough to waste her time on a loser if she chooses (and, let's be honest, it won't last). The relevant issue here is that he's an adult with a child, dating a child, and facilitated the child he's dating caring for the child he created without the consent of anyone relevant (i.e. either child's responsible parent).

However, any stand you make on this may well backfire. If you force him and his child out then she'll follow. If you make it clear that his child isn't your grandchild and won't be welcome in your home then you might tempt them into making you a grandchild who will be. You need to make yourself the hero here, not the villain - or he'll make himself the hero and you the villain.

Look at the situation described in your OP. You kicked off - villain, you said no - villain, you told her off - villain, you told her she's not responsible for a child - villain, you kicked them out - villain. He was there to meet her - hero, he consoled her - hero. The fact that you were in the right isn't going to be relevant to how she views that. What you should've done: "oh DD, three year olds are such hard work and you've done so well to keep him so happy, I can't believe Loser left him here like this" - you're the hero saving her from the "hard work" three year old and he's the villain for leaving the child there. "Oops, let's just move three year old away from the heater, silly loser for leaving him there" - you're the hero for saving the child and he's the villain for leaving the child in danger. "Why are you here? Oh, the park was closed? Let's find somewhere else to go? Silly loser for not checking ahead of time and creating all this disruption" - you're the hero for making new plans and he's the villain for fucking up the original plan going to the park. Over enough time, these little things you're pointing out as his fault will build up and build up and build up and she'll start to realise he's an incompetent loser. It'll be hard work for you for a short while but it's a hell of a lot less work than raising your grandchild and a hell of a lot nicer than losing your daughter.

God, I fucking hate him. Infesting is the word. He is infesting my house.

I'd be looking at WTF went wrong with raising that girl that she is behaving so stupidly - @CallTheMobWife

This is a really horrible thing to say. Some girls are shy and don't have much experience with boys, then when one comes along and lovebombs them they literally don't know what's hit them. They think it's love when of course it isn't, but that's due to their inexperience and desire to have someone find them attractive. It's tough if you're a teenage girl and your friends have boyfriends, then a boy comes along who tells you everything you've ever wanted to hear. And because the girl totally believes she's in love, she can't believe anything bad about the guy, so his ex will be a bitch, his employers are unfair, his friends are selfish, etc.

We've seen this again and again on these boards with fully-grown women taking the side of complete losers. That is unacceptable, but in the case of a young inexperienced girl then you can see why they are blinded by flaws that seem obvious to us.

I wouldn't be allowing him into my home at all, much less his son.
Maybe when he sees that he can't get his foot through your door, he will dump your DD and find another victim.

I think you're doing the right thing trying to keep on top of this.

He's definitely got his cocklodging radar on your DD. He's knows she's too naive to see it yet.
A few more months with this lazy arse could ruin her life for years.

Take her to get the implant if she'll go.
Does she have any radfem type girlfriends to hang out with?

Stealth bribe her if you have to to get her to spend less time with him. Is there anything she is interested in doing? Hobby? Place she's always wanted to go?

It’s a classic cocklodger tactic to get the victim pregnant ASAP to get in there. I can see it coming from a mile off, ugh.

OP, do you have a partner? I am divorced and feel my daughter's boyfriend took advantage because he thought he could control me, too. Also it became those two against me - that's always a very difficult situation to be in.

That's true - this kind of guy is a user.

I wouldn't allow him to sleep over - no way. I wouldn't let him bring his child there, either (though I feel for the child) - your house isn't a contact centre, as you say.

I agree with PP about forcing him to chat with you and DH. Don't allow him to just slink in and out with out acknowledging you. He wants to be in the house, then he interacts with the people who live there. Make small talk for a long as possible every time he is there, make him feel really awkward. And no take aways to be delivered when you and DH have gone to bed.

Sorry, just seen that you have a husband at home. I think you need a united front with you and him talking to your daughter and telling her it's not going to happen - he's not going to stay, he's not going to move in, he's not going to bring his child there for her to look after, he's not going to have your food or drink...

Good idea about killing him with kindness. Basically annoy the shit out of him? Mine and DH’s current tactic is make it clear we don’t like him nor want him there but I suppose that isn’t working.

Yes, this is a good idea. Better if DH would do it.

Is your daughter very naive as a person ? Can she not see he is a waste of time and uses her ?
I completely agree with everything you mention . I think the issue is you should have never allowed him at your at all , specially if you have a child hat has special needs . Personally I would try and find out more about this guy , including a criminal record and wanted him out of my house completely

You know what's so annoying as well? He's paying for takeaways and I bet his ex girlfriend is short of money for their child.

@ICanHideButICantRun.

Yup. DD has been repeating his spiel about how he doesn’t like giving her CM because she spends it on crap for herself. Fucking classic.

Exactly. Why are you allowing him to stay over at all? It's a no-brainer.

This notion that parents can't step in forcefully when their young teens are making major life mistakes is just bizarre to me. Why tiptoe around? He's a lazy cocklodger who's already fathered one out-of-wedlock child and makes no provision for it. Is that what your daughter wants in life?

Does she have poor self-esteem? Can you get her some counseling?

I'm just trying to picture the look on my dad's face if I brought home someone like that at 17 and announced he was spending the night. There is just no way, with the expectations my family had for us to get more education than they were able to, and otherwise better ourselves, that some acquaintance of eight weeks would be moving on in, or even tolerated.

It's fine to say you don't want him staying in your house. Stick to your 1 night a week rule. Stick to not having his child in your house. But lay off the 'abduction' chat with your dd. It's too much. You need to sound reasonable at all times. If she thinks you're being dramatic or overreacting then she won't listen to you any more.

Trust that you've raised her well and she'll see the light before it's too late.

And he sounds like a total knob. I'd hate to have him in my house too.

Why can you just tell him to stay away? Is your daughter likely to run away with him? To where? Would she really quit school and throw her future away?

Your DD is lucky that her mum has her head screwed on right. You can see what that man is doing, trying to live with you for free. Make sure she is on contraception, make sure that she knows she can come to you about anything.

I would be beyond horrified to find out that my precious child had been left with a random 17 year old! What a piece of shit that man, that poor little boy has to wait months to see his dad only to get ditched at the first possible opportunity. Imagine being that man. If I couldn't see my child everyday, hell would freeze over before I fucked off to the shop on my contact time.

It’s getting the balance right, I don’t want DD to piss off and live in some shithole witn him and inevitably get pregnant.

I also have to advocate for my autistic son who was unsettled by J’s presence at first. But now he is at the point where he is getting used to J being present in the house, despite not interacting with anybody, which isn’t a good thing IMO.

Yanbu.

I wonder why your dd, with such a switched on mother, is so naive? Is there anything in her background that makes her more vulnerable?

If contraceptive implants are still a thing, I'd get her one of those.

I'm just trying to picture the look on my dad's face if I brought home someone like that at 17 and announced he was spending the night. There is just no way, with the expectations my family had for us to get more education than they were able to, and otherwise better ourselves, that some acquaintance of eight weeks would be moving on in, or even tolerated

Exactly this - it would NOT have been tolerated at all, not for one second. My parents' was my parents, I just lived there and while I did, an elementary level of respect was required.

Also, OP, when this massive CF woke you up the other night getting a takeaway or whatever? I would have had my dressing gown on and been in the hall in a New York minute to tell him to get the fuck out of my house.

Who on earth does he think he is and why are you and your husband - both of you presumably in at least your late 40s /early 50s - enabling this shit? Are you scared of your daughter?