To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

Can't they just be quieter with the food?

I wake up and fancy food sometimes in the night at 2am or whenever, and I'll just go downstairs and make some. It doesn't wake other people up. Why is it waking everyone up? How loud are they being that it could wake people up? I don't really get it. My father used to come home from work at 4am and make himself food before bed and watch TV in the front room, it didn't cause any problems for the sleeping people. Are they banging pots and pans around and shouting and giggling or something?

The passivity here is staggering.

when our dd turned 13 and started being a bit more independent around the house, I explained that part of that independence was being a good roommate. That means thinking about the noise you are making while others are sleeping, thinking about any messes you are making. I helped her with some guidelines for best times for certain tasks so as not to wake up other people. I explained they weren’t hard rules. If life happened and she had to shower outside of those times I would trust her judgment, but it was just polite to try to think about your parents trying to sleep on the other side of the wall.

I’ve been able to use this approach instead of a stricter one because she does try to be respectful. If she wasn’t, I would be much more explicit.

Think OP has had enough of this thread….

Why have you not yet (metaphorically) wrung his neck?!

I would have done!! (Probably literally!! Rather than metaphorically!)

im impressed with your diplomacy.
but I’d have ended it in week one/two and he WOULD NOT have slept under my roof !!

OP, this was me. I was your DD for a year and a half at the age of 17. Exact same situation. My mum and dad fell out with me, banned us from the house and I ended up in a homeless unit on Christmas Eve. He left me and went to his friends. I phoned my mum crying and she came and picked me up and I never spoke to him again. He is clearly a waster who doesn’t want to provide for himself. Exactly like my then boyfriend. Tell your daughter you won’t have her shacking up with a man under your roof, she’s 17, you make the rules. It’s totally disrespectful what he’s doing and she’s blindsided. One day she’ll regret this and apologise for it. I know I do all the time to my parents.

I’ve caught up in everything you’ve said now.

Can you speak to your daughters employer? This should be in total confidence and anonymity. They have a safe Guarding issue(s).

1. a legal child (under 18) is being has been pursued by an adult. Both in their employment.
2. you have concerns about drugs. This could also be an issue for J’s capability to work.
3. they should be supporting J’s mental health. Not your daughter. That’s abuse. She’s a child, no matter how grown up she thinks she is.

can you speak to J about rent? If he’s in your house so much, he needs to contribute. If you take 80-90% of his net wages from him I’ll be he sods off pretty quickly.
to be sure your daughter isn’t funding him. Do the same with her too.
if they want to behave like adults, treat them as such !
…. you could give him the money back when he sods if you want to & keep your daughters money for uni.

Op posted this thread 3 days ago and in true mn style, the tide has turned and poster's are angry that she hasn't immediately thrown the bf out, changed the locks, cancelled the cheque and followed all advice to the letter. In real life it takes time and patience to undo a difficult situation. Stop berating the op for not posting the update you all want and will then accuse her of being a troll for acting too quickly.

You may be correct. I find it all very passive and sad. Op seems to be left alone with no support and afraid of bothering her dh. I have had chronic pain since before my 14 yo dd was born, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia for over a decade. I still parent to the best of my ability. I also lost my father as a child, which feels harder to me than losing a sibling as an adult. It is bloody hard to carry on, but you have to.

I don't blame her!

That isn’t kind. You can’t compare and rate grief nor can you dictate how someone approaches their grief.
And as you say, we parent to the best of our abilities. Who knows what ability either of them have with all else they have going on and whose to say the parenting they are doing isn’t good enough? You seem so critical for someone listing various disorders that themselves come under fire and criticism for being excuses.

You are right to put down clear boundaries. Don't let him use your house as a place to spend his days consuming your energy, food etc. I know you just let him stay overnight once a week, but he can worm his way in, in other ways. You can't stop your daughter seeing him, and the scales will fall from her eyes, she'll want dates and socialising. Be there for when she finishes with him.

I have been taking on board what people have been saying, I stepped away from the thread to have a think as I was concerned I was confiding too much in MN rather than DH through not wanting to stress him but I also have really appreciated the support on here. DD suddenly became upset this evening whilst texting J. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was fine but now it has come out.

Turns out, me AND DD as it happens had assumed they were at least in an actual exclusive relationship. You can’t blame DD for getting this idea considering he was keen for her to meet his child and stay over 5 nights a week.

It turns out, during a casual conversation in bed when they were at mine on Thursday night, J revealed he wasn’t wanting a serious relationship. DD was confused, and he had the nerve to ask her why she thought it was a serious relationship. DD mentioned him wanting to stay with us when he’s kicked out of his mates, meeting the child etc and he had the cheek to say he still wants to carry on as they are (sex and him staying over at least once a week) and he considers her his best friend. But he doesn’t want to be ‘exclusive’. So basically he wants to use my DD and shag other girls. He also told her he may be ready for a relationship in a few months, obviously to prevent her getting rid of him.

DD was texting him tonight asking if he’d consider a relationship yet since they are practically already in one and he won’t. This is good for me because I can now tell DD I won’t have him in the house as if he’s not her BF then he’s just a random bloke so there is no onus on me to accept him. DD doesn’t have any argument for this but says she’s still wanting to see him and help him out with regards to getting access to his child (I don’t know what she means in this sense, I’m concerned she will give him money and I have told her in no uncertain terms not to, but she just said she meant moral support) and when he’s kicked out of his mates.

She thinks that she is in love with him and that he’s in love with her too deep down so she’s now on a mission to get him to want to be with her. I’m worried about her mental health.

I think he’s waiting around for a better offer, my DD will ‘do’ for now but he knows as DD lives with us he will only get so far. If somebody older with their own place comes along to cocklodge with I know my DD will be dropped like a hot potato.

I am also now even more concerned that DD will attempt to get pregnant so he will be with her, I feel sick.

DD said he still expects to stay with us when kicked out of his mate’s as DD is his ‘best friend’ (who he also likes to use for sex, evidently) who will potentially want to be with eventually (his words).

Exactly how I would react. Don't forbid your daughter to see him, only not at your place. Curious how that will turn out, he and your daughter on a date at his pal's place? With a young child? He probably is counting on your (grand)motherly feelings for his child but that plane will not take of!

But in short, he wants things to carry on as they are and continue benefiting from DD and our home but expects to still be able to shag other girls and DD be okay with it.

Jesus.

He wants the benefit of getting to stay here when kicked out and sex that a relationship would potentially provide but without the annoying bits, (getting to know the family etc). So he calls it a ‘close friendship’. But waves the idea of a relationship in her face so she won’t sack him off He’s a fucking pig.

I know his childhood was messed up so he probably doesn’t understand normal families and boundaries but I’ve got no sympathy for the vile pig.

He’s got into my previously happy, bright DD’s head and turned her into a shadow of her former self desperate for him to see her as ‘grown up’ and worthy of his respect

I think he’s playing games to make her chase after him and either (1) persuade you let him move in, and/or (2) get pregnant. He sounds abusive.

Is the Australian trip still an open option?

@Darkstar4855.

I agree with you. And also may be hoping a better offer comes along (like an older girl who doesn’t live with her parents, easier to be able to move in with) in the meantime.

You need to stop this now OP. Either by telling him to leave her alone or you will report him to the authorities to ensure he doesn’t ever see his child or having a proper blow out with your daughter. She needs a sharp shock to the system not kid gloves now. Show her this thread if you must

Is he banned from the house now?

This is where you NEED to draw the line as a parent, for the sake of your own child’s health. This can NOT carry on. At 17 you can be naive but you’re certainly not stupid. She KNOWS this isn’t right. If she can’t be reasoned with then you need to lay down the law. Grounded. Take phone away. Quit the job. Whatever it takes for her to have a break from this guy, either willingly or forcibly. She needs time away to process all of this before she ruins her own life. At 17 you’re nowhere near emotionally mature yet and there’s some big feelings and complex issues at hand here. Ultimately YOU are the parent, YOU need to step in right now! I am so sorry you are going through this, I’m so sorry to hear about your son and husband aswel BUT this needs to stop or you’ll have another big messy sitch to deal with in no time.