AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

i was a very bright child. got a scholarship to an independent sixth form.
im now unemployed, on benefits, a lone parent to a 3 year old, I didn’t go to uni.

OP there's being honest and humble which you absolutely don't need to feel guilty about and then there's your opening post bragging to high heaven. I think the PP's with a few comments just mean it completely depends how you respond in these chit chats. Respond how you have in your OP and you'll get people looking at you like you've got 5 heads. Respond in an honest but humbling manner and you'll be fine. Also, Sorry to rain on your parade but sounds like a quite normal first parents evening for a child doing well. My DD (now almost 15) had the same kind of parents evening in reception and most the way through primary. Extremely clever, top of the class, confident, liked by other kids and teachers, thoughtful and kind. She was and is all of these things, still very clever, top sets, kind (most the time), she also gets caught vaping, is sneaky, tells lies. Thank god I was humble in the above kind of chats because otherwise it may have come back to bite me in the backside.

He's a very emotional child, and does struggle with leaving me. Although he's always absolutely fine when there. The teacher said she wouldn't have believed it had she not seen him sobbing at the church during Harvest Festival because he'd seen me and wanted a cuddle. Really odd because he always presents so confidently everywhere else. So that's something definitely for me to watch.
He can persevere and mistakes don't phase him (atm). He has lots of friends and plays with everyone in the class. In his eyes the little girl is just his friend so he makes sure she is OK.
Thank you for the things to think about.

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. My son is 9 and incredibly intelligent. He has taught himself various pieces of classical music on a xylophone, maths he’s working at teenage level, same for reading, knows every capital and flag etc.

But while he’s a content little boy, he is too emotionally attuned to world events for his age. Ukraine and the environment both weigh heavily on him. Other kids sometimes find it hard to gel with him, too.

Why shouldn’t she be proud that her kid is clever? Just because it makes some feel bad that theirs aren’t?

My DS is super sharp but no need to mention anything surely! When others ask how PE was just say "yes he's doing really well thanks". And you can have private conversations with the teachers about supporting him.

My niece was like this all through primary. I always felt sorry for my SIL because she didn't like to chat school stuff as she felt bad if she bugged up niece, but I was always genuinely interested. She's in a grammar now, amazing girl. Can pretty much draw anything free hand, remembers everything but feels everything so hard too. Her Granny's death was awful on her, my son was sad but that was it. Had friendship issues as other kids didn't like her being so smart (not her fault). Just help them deal with the fact that others might struggle when they aren't, encourage them to grow up kind.

No one has said that she can't be proud. Just that bragging about just how smart he is and that he can do xyz, is the best in the class, so far ahead... is not advisable.

There's nothing wrong with being proud of your child, but the OPs son is only 4. It's far too soon to be labelling him as very bright.

"How was your sons parents evening"

"Oh, it was lovely. I'm relieved he is settling in nicely"

There, Simple. You don't need to tell people everything the teacher said. Other than you ring your immediate family and Mum brag to them, because it's OK to be proud. You just keep that to close family who would also be super proud of their grandson / nephew.

@Meagainalready has it right.

My friend has a DD a bit like your DS and shares sometimes about how bright / ahead she is.

To other parents it comes across as wildly tactless, hubristic and revealing about her own insecurities.

If she was secure in herself and her child she wouldn't need the affirmation and attention of other parents.

My DD is doing v well at school. If I'm asked I say she is happy.

I really don't. I have never ever gushed or bragged about him to anyone in RL and wouldn't. Which is the whole point of my post. That's exactly why I played it down and didn't mention any of it. If I wanted to brag I wouldn't have felt so embarrassed. It's just not in my nature.

I gave all that detail in the OP just for context. To explain anonymously. And ask what others say.

Maybe I'm an overthinker, a bit socially inept, naive, PFB. I'll take all the insults that have been thrown at me and reflect. But no, I definitely don't want to boast which is why when asked, I didn't.

My ds11 has amazing academic ability which was evident from age 4. Towards the end of his reception year he had a reading age of 10 etc but social skills have until very recently been a struggle for him.

Turns out he has asd (prev known as aspergers) and according to our recent assessment/diagnosis he is fairly typical amongst this group. (Apologies for the clunky language asd folks, I'm learning).

Ds4 has just started reception and can't write his name or recognise most letters yet but has bags of emotional intelligence/empathy/whatever the right term is for his age and has a new best friend every day.

They are all so different and they catch up to each other and change quickly.

For what it's worth no other parents are interested in your kids academic ability they just want to know how he's settling in so they can compare to their own kid. A simple 'yes, he loves it, settling in fine. How's Little Johnny doing?' will do.

Assuming he is bright, .....

Create many chances for him to experience failure.

The bright ones don't get to experience it enough at a young age and can find it hard to deal with.

Sport can be handy for that. Keep going til you find one that doesn't come naturally. Also, team sport means you need to learn to deal with others who are not at your level and motivate them as well as yourself.

Chance based games are good for learning to deal with disappointment as well

Yes, DS is very emotional. I can see how he would be similar. Thank you for sharing x

You have a clever and mature child who you must be proud of. I imagine you would feel happy or even need to share your child's exceptional achievements honestly to some close friends so that you feel understood. I hope that you can find those listening ears. Sadly, it is a fact that not all people are able to be happy for other people.

I think this is the crux of it. I love it when friends share their children's successes with me, yes even little ones like reception parents evening. I'm just always genuinely pleased for them and like to hear they're doing well. Will definitely only share specifics with Grandparents going forward, really pleased I said none of this to other parents....dodged a bullet! Lol Thank you x

Nothing wrong with being proud of him, but it's about being a well rounded individual as well.

My friend's DS was extremely bright (his report was always 1 all the day down, grading 1-8 (8 lowest), but started struggling around the age of 14 - things were getting harder and it was the first time he had to apply his mind to things and actually work them out. He got a respectable set of GCSEs, A levels weren't as expected and he had to accept his second choice of uni. He's finished uni now, came out with a 3. He hasn't got a clue about applying for jobs (parents having to help), socially he won't be able to cope with the interview anyway throughout uni parents always have to help him, eg his laptop broke so had to travel and get another one with him. Very sad. It doesn't always work out well in the end.

Your child may well be very bright. You will learn to temper your pride though - you are right it will not come across well when talking to parents of children who are not getting such glowing reports.
It works the other way too (I have one child who could do no wrong, another who could never get it right). So in the general chat about 'how'd the parent teacher thing go', you might consider being a bit vague as PPs have said. 'Well thanks, he's settling in'. Works whether your child is tip top or rolling around the bottom.
You can boast and share details with those who care - your own family (though if his sibling isn't going so well be mindful of that).

Yes very! Thank you. I clearly have social skills to brush up on for myself.

I'm happy he is happy 😊

@Mariposista yes this is called having empathy. Are you going to boast about being mortgage free to someone in financial difficulties? Are you going to boast about having a lovely birth experience to someone having multiple miscarriages? Why do you need to show off to anyone? Tell your good fortune to your nearest if you must and spare a thought for those less lucky.

And I say that as someone who has been extremely lucky.

Don’t worry about it. People can’t bear it if someone else is better than them in something. I remember well getting my GCSE results, (doing far better than my friends) and being humble about it (no shouting from the rooftops, whooping or anything) and went home where we celebrated as a family (no social media back then). Come September I was shunned by many people as was my mum by the other parents as apparently we were ‘show offs’. We had NEVER openly celebrated in front of anyone. Why can’t people be proud of each other? I am the first to congratulate somebody being selected for a sports team (that I would be rubbish at), for cooking a lovely meal, for getting a new job, whatever. We are all good at different things and we can’t all be academic. Life would be boring if we were all the same.

He sounds lovely 😊
Out of my children one is clearly brighter academically than the other. However the other one is confident, great public speaker and seems to attract friends easily. I try to work on their areas of development whilst also encouraging their strengths.

My brighter child struggles to get things wrong and worries about any mistakes. I’ve made sure we’ve worked on this at home. I tell you this to make sure you’re not fobbed off by being told ‘he’s great’ when there should always be ideas for areas of development.

@Crappydoo

He’s 4. Not to be mean, but give it a few years.