AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

Full conversations at 12m?! Ok…

Did the teacher actually say they’re usually either creative or clever but not both? Cos that’s bollocks IMO.

The honest truth is that the vast majority of 'gifted and talented' children go on to become quite average adults (which is absolutely fine).

Having been one myself, I'd say I was just maybe a bit more intellectually ahead for my age when measured against my peers, but we were then all much of a muchness by 16 or so.

(Proper 'prodigies' are a very different ball game, but they're also vanishingly rare)

I went to a good Russell Group uni (not Oxbridge), got a perfectly respectable 2:1 and an MSc and now have a good professional career which I enjoy. So, while I'm not stupid, I'm not Mozart or Einstein and I think that's fine.

If asked, as PPs have said, 'he seems to be getting on well and is enjoying himself.'

Job done.

Yes you're probably right. I'm definitely overthinking. I'm fairly anxious and a huge people pleaser so just didn't want to come across badly to the other parents.

You just say “we are very pleased with his progress” or similar otherwise you come across as a knob. Find a safe space to boast like grandparents! Not that mine are super stars but both have always been very very good at English / reading levels off scale and dd1 just aced her GCSEs.

It evens out OP. You don't need to say anything to anyone except that he's getting on well and he's happy. Don't give him the burden of thinking he's some kind of genius. We have a very bright child in the family, and his parent has given him a sense of superiority- What was once a kind, happy child now feels in competition with others. It's really not a kindness to give this too much headspace.
Plus, this teacher has spent only six weeks with your son. It's early, early, early days.

I’ve had a parents evening with similar feedback this week and it’s so easy to answer without showing off that I don’t understand your confusion. ‘Yeah, it was good. She’s really happy and settling in nicely, but let’s see what the rest of the year brings! And doesn’t the teacher seem lovely’’ She’s not my PFB though and the academic feedback isn’t as off the scale as my actual PFB’s was at that age. Lucky if actual PFB does homework these days, so I know not to get overexcited at an early age!

I would never have believed that unless I had witnessed the same at baby group - tiny 14 month old having honestly a real conversation with full words. Gobsmacked! And a bit creeped out but also impressed 😂

You’re overthinking. No one is that interested and doing well in Y1 is great but doesn’t mean your son is the next Einstein. Just say “all good, thanks” or “very encouraging- he’s enjoying school” or whatever. Don’t lie and don’t start making up faults (inevitably your son will overhear you one day). It’s great he’s doing well, not that big a deal, just be pleased and relax a bit.

My DD is an “all rounder” but more importantly she is happy, kind and has absolutely zero pressure academically placed upon her by us.

I would ensure you don’t think too much into it; he’s only been at school a few weeks. Also avoid placing any pressure on him and resist the urge to start doing lots at home to push him to the top.
wrt speaking with other parents I just say, yep all good thanks, how about yours? Keep it brief and friendly.

Mine has got a bit lazy as he's gone up through the school because he can get away with it. I think I was similar as a child. I expect he, like me, will eventually hit an educational stage where being clever is not enough and he has to actually work hard too. Hope it's not too much of a shock for him.

I try to discuss things at home that will stretch his thinking a bit and also make him realise that although he is doing well for his age, he still has a lot to learn. We've also focussed on kindness and developing empathy but it sounds like you are also doing this already.

When it comes to chatting with other parents, no need to make things up or play anything down. A breezy sort of "Oh, he's fine, he likes maths and PE." is all that's needed and then ask after their DC who they will probably be more interested in talking about anyway!

To be fair they’ve just brought out the new Reception Baseline Assessment (RBA) that’s replacing year 2 SATs. In my child’s assessment it mentions that they can do simple addition of all the numbers up to 10 or some such comment

My daughter was very academic. She's in university now, in her final year. I didn't really feel the need to discuss it with other parents.

If anyone asked how parents evening was, I'd just say, she's doing well, I'm pleased with it. In reception her teacher said she was bright, but she was also a bit shy and quiet.

I said the same to parents about my other DD, who was above average, but not in top sets like her sister. If another parent asked how parents evening was, I just said fine. It's none of their business tbh.

I used to help out reading in DDs school and I knew who the bright kids were. The kids sat in groups according to ability from year 1 or 2.

Oh I'm sure he'll grow up to be perfectly average and normal.
He's in no way, Shape or form a prodigy!

He's a lovely little boy (yes I'm biased) and as long as he's happy I will be.

Fair enough, I was a bit harsh there!!

My DS was/is really bright... was always at least 4 years ahead by school's/curriculum standards. I always just kept it vague when talking to other parents, ie 'he's doing really well, he enjoys it, they're pleased with him'. Nothing more needed, don't be drawn into 'what score..etc' just be like 'ooh, can't remember, about...?' Luckily our local primary was in a mixed area and not loads of competitive parents! However by year 3 he was very bored, very unhappy and very badly behaved, it was actually really difficult and stressful. ADHD traits also came to the fore and he was trying to escape from school. Ended up moving him to a small prep school for a couple of years and he was finally able to explore and go at the pace he needed to. Now in year 9 at local secondary and really happy, but there is a dark side to having a 'gifted' child, they don't always 'fit in' with narrow curriculum and can be seen as naughty if not challenged enough. I never wanted DS to be defined by being 'clever' any more than I would want a child to be defined by being pretty or sporty or whatever. We always have focussed on characted traits and how you treat people. Good luck!

Ds now 22 was also very bright and on the talented and gifted scheme from primary school. He got all A* at GCSE. He was widely read, watched the news and can still debate me under the table. We supported his learning as did the school if he needed extension tasks etc. one thing was interesting from early on was that he could read early but his ability to comprehend the books always needed work. Also be aware that you do not always stay top of the tree, it is important that they learn it is ok to not be good at something, it is a huge pressure to be the best all the time and it is not possible.

As others have said, just say he's doing well and enjoying himself. You don't need to say anything else.

Be happy he's not a prodigy. It's not all that pleasant.

DD was not that special in primary school, especially not in KS1. However, she was the youngest in the class. However, it became apparent when she was about 11 that she is super intelligent. She got 4xAstar in her A Levels. She did STEM subjects but equally could have done, art, history, English etc. She is now in a top Uni.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you just never know when they are very young. I was at primary with a girl who was so far ahead, that she used to read the story to the rest of the class. She went to grammar school with me but did not do particularly well.

It does sound like a stealth boast OP!

When someone else asks you just reply 'they're doing well' or 'yes his report was good'

there's no reason to go into detail with other parents about your child. I actively avoid anyone who tries to stealth boast about their child's progress at school. Usually those are the children you eventually learn to avoid as they can become spoilt if mum and dad lack self awareness not to boast.

I have 3 highly academic and kind children- yes a son who did excellent at sciences and English & creative side all across the board as well as played sports for the school. At fab uni now. It's not necessarily a predictor for achieving highly all their life. he's had a tough time during lockdowns. Never struggled before ever.
My middle DD had equally good reports but became more average in results when she hit 15 as became more interested in sm , hanging out with friends and eye rolling at a couple of her ("bossy") teachers giving them attitude. She was an angel at 4-11 though! Kindest thoughtful child but sometimes (selectively) not so kind at times now although I hope she'll grow out of it now she has to cook for herself &clean up at Uni.

I've never felt the need to stealth boast as each child has something they are exceptional at, it might be sports or something else or an outside interest or skill that doesn't show up academically. Never bothered me chatting with mum friends, no awkwardness. Children change as they grow up depending on other experiences and peers they mix with. And many can go through difficult teenage stages

anyway all the best to your DS. Encourage him to read read and do more reading. I'm sure that is the key to academic success.

DD1 was exactly like this at his age, and still is now, aged almost 15 🙂

She's academic, sporty, creative, mature, confident, but also a genuinely nice person who gets on well with others.

Enjoy it! You're right sometimes you feel you can't mention how they're getting on for fear of boasting, but honestly just enjoy it. The other problem I have is that DD2 isn't the same at all, so we have to be sensitive to that too.

Don't go into too much detail OP with other parents. People draw a lot of conclusions. And it affects friendships.

DCs are quite academic and during lockdown, I had to keep DS on mute for his zoom lessons (he was 4) because parents were discussing in the class WhatsApp chat about how my DS was doing three step mental arithmetic using hundreds and shouting out the answers. Similarly On sports day I caught parents rolling their eyes when DS was taking part. He went on a play date once and came back telling me that the mum and dad gave him a maths quiz (which he genuinely loved). Parents use DS as a benchmark and try to push their child to become close to him - which can be awkward.

😂😂😂

YAY … I'm here for it

This really isn't so difficult.

When asked "how is Ben getting on at school" you say "fine, he's settled in well, making friends, loves his teacher and is starting to learn maths".

You don't launch into a 5 minute monologue about how absolutely marvellous and outstanding and CLEVER he is.